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Is life always this crappy

468 replies

sincerestwonders · Today 13:43

Any one else feel like this but I dunno why my life has been just so hard lately for me and my 17 1/2 year old daughter. Last year I felt completely different, this year I feel burnt out and just bored and unmotivated. I have a guy who keeps coming in and out my life he works abroad so he isnt a stable presence but I feel stuck and dunno if any of you have similar life experience or advice as that would be so useful.
My daughter has not been to school since age 8. I chose not to keep her in school because of some of the things we encountered in her school such as staff pinning kids down in isolation rooms as a punishment and like harming "bad" kids by restraining them in the classroom, which I did not want my young daughter to see or felt was appropriate.
She has been home educated since then. At the minute she has 2 gcses, a 9 in Spanish and 8 in computing/ICT. Her maths and english skills are quite subpar to be honest. She is a good speller, yet struggles with reading long books and guessing the "intention" of authors which is what a lot of GCSE is about. Her maths is reasonable and probably key stage 3 level, not the best but GCSE math standards are so high these days. In the last year she has done a cookery course, several language courses, business administration basics and we were asked to do an art course which she bloody hates and has no artistic talent really but we are 3/5 of the way through that and she just cant think of ideas and hates it and obviously wishes she was doing something else. The obvious thing to do next is driving, but the theory test I dont quite know how to study for it seen as I havent driven since I was in my 20s cos we live in an urban area where we can bus walk everywhere. The other thing I struggle with is deciding on the gold DOFE program. She has done it for 18 months, did all sections and loved the volunteering element. Its done all bits except the Expedition, and honestly how is a weeks walking, eating garbage and carrying a 20kg bag up a mountain useful to the development of a young person? This isnt the 1940s. We originally did this with a dofe open award center. She attended 2 training days. On the first one she was assigned to a team of 5 other girls, all of whom were friends from that posh arse Hills Road college in Cambridge. They ignored and excluded my already friendless daughter and walked ahead. My daughter is 5ft 4 70kg and is not unfit, she does swimming and dance, but no way can she walk 20 miles a day like they suggested with a back breaking Army bergen. The idiots said the expedition was to take place in summer. Considering the heatwaves we have had its a recipe for sun stroke, burns and nausea. On the second day she asked whether she could have a parent see her at a particular point of the day or night as she is high anxiety and gets sick when away overnight from parents she can stay at nanas house without us but it seems being away at night without parents presence is traumatic for her. She went to mendip activity center last year and being away led to panic attacks and a drinking episode. They said no,okay, but I dont think they care about her needs. The food is another troubling element. They suggested eating those gross ration pack boil in a bag meals. My daughter wont eat them preferring fresh foods, and wouldnt eat any with meat in them due to concern of quality. She would have to handle bottle gas, flames, putting up a tent, no contact even a mobile phone with parents, possible injury, carrying own excrement, managing herself miles from anywhere at 17 YEARS OLD what is this SAS basic training? We had her walk 10ks every week, every time her feet would begin to blister and bleed she has size 3 feet for context with the bag on so I decided to leave that centre and look at these expensive private expeditions on canoes but she wont do that either. This has led to a lot of arguments with me and her dad who the dad says stop pushing and she has done enough already. The final issue is she obviously doesnt want to go to uni next year but she just cant think of what job/career to do and seems to have lost interest in anything. Sorry to rant but any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

OP posts:
SpaceAngel1999 · Today 14:58

Tbh I think you have failed her as a parent

LIZS · Today 14:59

It sounds as if you were ill equipped to home educate her and have projected your own anxieties to the extent it has affected her negatively. Pulling her out of a particular school might have been justified but your choice to withdraw from the education system has rebounded and done her a disservice. She won’t get far without English and Maths level 2, either educationally or work wise, and certainly not to uni without years of further study and commitment. As to D of E, lots of kids do it, some find it not to their taste but gain life experiences including team work, others stop after Bronze or Silver. However it seems overly important to you. There are alternatives to boil in the bag meals but you have created such barriers in your thinking that neither you or her can consider alternatives when challenges come up. Are you a single parent or is her father around?

fluffiphlox · Today 15:01

That poor girl. Get her to school.

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lifeisgoodrightnow · Today 15:03

sincerestwonders · Today 14:28

She has quite a few hobbies: used to enjoy making her own magazines and comics, blogging, baking etc. We used to have a dog which she happily trained and walked most days. She now seems to have a passion for Languages

Makes her own magazines and comics but hates art huh?

I’m out.

Dumbledora8 · Today 15:04

You have not taught your daughter resilience, not even in the slightest. You have done her no favours, and it now appears that you are feeling sorry for yourself!

PinkBottle75 · Today 15:05

OP, think of a tree, grown inside the controlled environment, where no harm comes to it.

It sadly provides a powerful cautionary tale about the dangers of overprotection. In a controlled, windless biosphere, (like the Eden project for example) trees are shielded from the harsh forces of nature. They receive optimal water, perfect nutrients, and constant warmth, allowing them to grow rapidly and look pristine. However, because they never battle the wind, they fail to undergo thigmomorphogenesis—the biological process where mechanical stress triggers the growth of deep roots and thick, supportive "stress wood." Without this adversity, these seemingly perfect trees remain structurally weak and often collapse under their own weight.

Your DD needs to re-enter the world.

If she struggles with anxiety, she needs professional help, in the form of talking therapies, like CBT and support with medication to calm the mind loops that contribute to anxiety, for instance either Escitalopram or Sertraline are good first line anti-anxiety medications. They're called anti-depressants but at lower doses they control anxiety often very well. She needs to learn to deal with her anxiety so she can go out and live her life, like everyone else.

These medications can be life-changing. I'm fed up of SSRIs getting a bad rap. If it means they allow people like your DD to function, let them take one every day for the rest of their lives. Some people just have more sensitive nervous systems and the sooner we accept, the more people can be helped and get on with living a full and happier life.

Once her anxiety is controlled, she needs to go to college asap or vice versa. Try college and see how her anxiety copes, and then get the support you need.

You need professional help at this point. YOU need to reach out for help yourself because you can't manage this any longer by yourself. It's understandable to want to protect your child as much as possible but at some point, the pendulum can swing to far and I think in your situation this may have happened.

You did with the best of intentions but now you need to find another way to re-intergrate your DD into normal life. Talk to colleges and find out what the options are. More than get her into the world so she can start to live.

She's obviously a capable girl, done her Gold D of E except the expedition - that can still be done later when she's more fit and there's a better fit of people, now she needs some academic support to raise her general level to that same as the average person in the UK. I think that's possible. Come on Mum, you can do it and so can she.

ThatGoldFox · Today 15:07

I think I'd explain her situation to your local college and see what options they can come up with.

MickyMoonshine · Today 15:07

You need to prioritise getting her into a college to get at least her Maths and English. Not having these will impact her future prospects.
While she is there she then needs to engage with a careers adviser ( away from you) so she can start to make a plan for the future.

Gentlework · Today 15:09

OP, what strategies have you tried using over the past 9 years to support and build your daughter's confidence?

DofE is a great thing to do, but it sounds as if your daughter needed more social, emotional and physical training before taking on something as big as DofE gold.

Vanillaicelatte · Today 15:09

sincerestwonders · Today 13:56

She doesnt have SEN but has high anxiety and her development is maybe 2 years or so behind peers she was a highly anxious child but it isnt her or my fault

God your poor daughter
you have kept her at home and most likely ruined any chance of her growing up into a productive well balanced adult

2 GCSE and you consider yourself to be a qualified HE

It sounds like you have validated yourself as A HE but honestly it looks like you have done a crap job of it

and you saying you will go to uni when she leaves home

mate I hate to tell you
from what you have written your DD ain’t ever gonna leave home

and that’s completely down to you

allthingsinmoderation · Today 15:09

Your daughter needs to develop maturity ,resilience and a bit more independence to survive in adulthood.
Could she attend a college to do a wider range of gcses including maths and english? It would also help with social skills from being around peers.
Some careers advice might help her decide how she might like to proceed.
As for Dof E she can either manage the bits she finds difficult and get through it or not do it and do something else eg: sports,volunteering.
It seems you have tried to protect your DD from the world but she needs to experience some independence through a wider experience than being home schooled ,which frankly doesn't seem to have had a wide scope.
Let her go and be there to support her in lifes ups and downs.

LIZS · Today 15:11

And as a parent it is your role to manage her expectations and help her find alternative routes to her goals. You need to discuss her limited options with so few qualifications and especially that uni is not an option. Unless she has an EU passport working, studying or even volunteering there is extremely restricted. You have allowed her to think she can get away with minimal effort and resilience and still fall into her ideal life, which unfortunately is not reality. Plenty of parents face the challenges of switching jobs, difficult relationships and challenging circumstances but generally they still have well balanced kids. What support has she had for her anxiety?

Pipsquiggle · Today 15:11

I nearly pulled my DC from a primary school as I felt the environment was sub-optimal, however, I looked at other primary schools. I got on waiting lists. I looked at other options. Home schooling would have been the very last resort.

Unfortunately, it seems she has had few opportunities to socialise and be around people her own age, probably the reason why she is socially behind. It sounds like she doesn't have any resilience which may exacerbate her anxiety. You need to let her go to college

I am afraid isolation from her peers may have done more damage than good.

On the DofE - did she do bronze and silver first?

Gentlework · Today 15:11

@PinkBottle75 that's such a good analogy. Great post.

malefields · Today 15:12

sincerestwonders · Today 13:56

She doesnt have SEN but has high anxiety and her development is maybe 2 years or so behind peers she was a highly anxious child but it isnt her or my fault

I can’t imagine anything worse for an anxious child than to be stuck being homeschooled without having the proper tools for it.

I was (still am to an extent) a horribly anxious and shy child and if my mother had gone down that route I’m sure I’d be 100x worse.

How are you able to homeschool her properly as a single parent? My own child wanted it but it just didn’t seem feasible at all if I wanted to pay our bills.

LittleGreenDuck · Today 15:12

I actually thought this was the 17 year old posting. She sounds like one of DD’s friends who had a good whinge about DofE. Mind you, that was at Bronze, I don’t think she will be taking it further!

If this is actually about your daughter OP, the poor kid has not had a great start. Get her into college, get some GCSEs and work from
there. Oh, and drop the “woe is us” attitude. This is all of your own making.

Dozycuntlaters · Today 15:12

I'm sorry OP and I can tell you love your DD very very much but.......you are ruining her. You took her out of school when she was 8 and rather than just find somewhere which was a better fit she stayed at home. For your benefit or hers?
Put her back in an educational environment for her to get her maths and english and also for her to get back into society, make some friends etc. It's horrid to see our kids flounder but all you are doing is feeding her anxiety and if you do not change the way she lives, you are going to fuck up her entire future. Irrevocably.

OctoberMists · Today 15:14

I'm not sure about focus on D of E - wasn't on offer to my DC who have ended up at uni though I hear it's worthwhile.

To access post 16 education really need 5 GCSE including maths and english language - college is likely the best place to get those - though functional maths and english may be possible options depend on area.

My advice is to talk to local colleges - or local careers services see what course of action they can suggest.

I'm not sure if she can't manage GCSE english and maths that uni edcuation is on the cards anytime soon as that level is needed though OU do access course for those without usual qualifications.

ReadingSoManyThreads · Today 15:17

MiddleAgedDread · Today 14:11

slight aside but are there no checks on parents who home "educate"? Given that childminders get Ofsted inspections does no one check up on the people who are failing to educate their kids?

Ofsted do checks on behalf of the parents. This is because by law it is the parents responsibility to ensure their children are receiving a suitable education, so Ofsted inspects the schools on behalf of parents. So there is no need for Ofsted to check parents on behalf of themselves.

However, the LA do annual checks on those registered as home ed. This will become more robust once it becomes a legal requirement to register (if it hasn't already happened, I've lost track to be honest).

But may I just point out, as a home educating parent, and as someone who works in a secondary school. The abilities of the children I work with in schools (regular pupils, not SEN), are appalling. We've been testing Y7, Y8, & Y9 this week and even their basic spelling is abysmal (generally speaking, but the majority). As an example, approximately 95% of Y9's spelt "vegetable" incorrectly. Their reading comprehension extremely poor, and the handwriting unreadable in many cases.

So let's not make this all about failures of home ed - we get beaten hard enough by many many people over it.

StandingDeskDisco · Today 15:17

Any one else feel like this but I dunno why my life has been just so hard lately for me and my 17 1/2 year old daughter. Last year I felt completely different, this year I feel burnt out and just bored and unmotivated. I have a guy who keeps coming in and out my life he works abroad so he isnt a stable presence but I feel stuck and dunno if any of you have similar life experience or advice as that would be so useful.
[then a big screed about your daughter]

My first question is what about you? What about your health and life?
I suggest dumping the guy who works abroad, that is going nowhere, and working on some new hobbies or career training or something else just for YOU.

Your daughter's life has been your focus for so long, but she will launch soon, she is on the verge of adulthood, and her life will all work out in the end.

Edited to add: this is about so much more than the merits and disadvantages of home education, but the thread will get totally bogged down by that debate.

Happyjoe · Today 15:17

Just wanted to pop up and say that the DoE expedition was the best bit. Went with friends, loved it - walking and camping in the summer.
Please encourage her to do it, the pride when she finishes will give a real sense of achievement, don't run it down in front of her like you have.

Bobcurlygirl · Today 15:18

My husband went to Hills road and is not posh but does have 8 Gcse qualifications which is fairly normal.
He also did gold dofe which he found really tough but the gold is just that a real challenge.
You say you will go to uni when she leaves home but she will not be doing this for some time unless she gets maths and English as a starter.
Please speak to a local college and get her signed up for something and to redo maths and English.

MookieBananas · Today 15:19

Chunkybabythighs · Today 14:21

She's not vulnerable, she's been stunted by you for nearly a decade so has no idea how to function in life!

This. It's abundently clear this child has been badly failed. Sorry OP, I also have a child with significant SEN, and anxiety. So I get the compulsion to wrap them in cotton wool and to protect them. But you have to juggle those feelings which benefit only you, with what is of benefit to her, her development and her resilience.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Today 15:20

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76evie · Today 15:21

sincerestwonders · Today 14:00

Everyone says I'm a bad, overprotective parent and Im sick of it. I think taking my daughter out of the pressure and anxiety of school was the best thing to do given circumstance she has had a comprehensive home education to 16 and has done some specialist courses. I am aware she needs more of a social life but she has suffered high anxiety as a kid around school, puberty, her emotions, extreme pressure and demand.

She has not had a comprehensive home education. She has 2 GSCEs and doesn’t even have her maths & english.

It’s not too late for her to enrol in college for this year, she could pick a course and do her maths and English gcse along side it.

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