Would it be kind to take treats in after an awkward comment?

[ForMerryPinkCat]

I saw the most awkward situation at work today and have to share it because I keep thinking about it.

I work in a small team and we had a new person start today who unfortunately seems to have foot in mouth syndrome.

She's already accidentally insulted the business owner by making a bad joke about his car. (He's a farmer and drives a mildly battered pick up)

She then made a thoughtless remark because I put a spoonful of sugar in my coffee. Fat people shouldn't have sugar, apparently.

The thing that's making me cringe is a conversation I only got the last bit off but it was awful.

The business owner's wife also work for the business. New hire said "sorry, I have CDO. It's OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be."

That's cringe enough but it was incredibly awkward and horrible because the couple who own the business have a teenager daughter who has been suffering very badly from (diagnosed) OCD and is currently in hospital because of it.

Would it be weird if I took a few treats in tomorrow? They're both lovely people and the family has been through so much I'd like to do something to show them we care!

If it’s normal to take treats in, what is it you’re asking? You’ve already decided you’re taking Brownies in!

But it’s not your problem to solve. As a recovering people pleaser/fawner this is screaming someone who can’t handle conflict and will do anything to make everyone friends. If that’s you then next time I’d say sit with the queasy feeling in your stomach and don’t fawn.

I'm wondering whether this person is neurodiverse? Rude comments are not acceptable but when a person has autism, ADHD, Tourette's etc, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can cause enormous upset and difficulty, especially in a work situation. My younger son was diagnosed with autism aged 4 and when he finally began to speak, some of the things he came out with would have been considered incredibly rude or insensitive. If the other employee is neurodiverse, that might explain things but it does need to be sounded out and addressed if it's causing upset.

Treats sound good. I've WFH for over a decade as my whole org is remote but when we meet up and someone brings a homemade cake we're all thrilled. It's a way of saying:

• I care about you
• I've used a bit of my own time and money to bring a bit of joy to you as you matter
• Let's spend a little bit of time together sharing a treat with a cuppa
• Hey we're all human and not just working robots, lets enjoy some cake/brownies/biscuits

Your new colleague sounds a cringey nightmare. We've all embarrassed ourselves at some point with a comment or joke that we've not thought through (and then relived over and over for years afterwards) but to do it so many times in a short period of time is crazy.

Of course she wouldn’t know. But even more reason to keep her mouth shut until she susses people out.

I worked with a male version of this person. By the end of day one he had offended several people and it wasn’t accidental, he thought he was ‘out there’ too.

It’s one thing accidentally putting your foot in it and another deliberately being a twat.

I am ND and even I know not to say shit like that until I read the room.

Unfortunately people like that don’t accept they are in the wrong and will accuse you of being over sensitive.

If she is too thick to understand that making comments about weight to someone is a nasty thing to do, then the sooner they sack her, the better.

The person I knew didn’t take the hint and the bosses couldn’t be arsed to find someone else to do his job so he can caused issues for months.

This is a really bizarre post and seems as though you’re trying somehow to show that you’re a ‘better’ employee by taking in cake. If they run a business I’m sure they can deal with these types of situations, it’s not your problem to solve and there may have been conversations you’ve not been privy to as you’re not in a management position.

I would be keeping myself completely separate from what you perceive the issues to be and remember to be kind. Perhaps the new colleague has ND and is beating herself up over what she’s said every evening, who knows. Concentrate on your role and your life

Do you mean neurodivergent? I have AuDHD and it isn’t an excuse to act like a twat to people. And actually because I have AuDHD, I would have been even more pissed off with her and would have done the bare minimum for her going forward.

Honestly, I don't understand the relevance of providing "treats" to someone making a silly but fairly harmless comment. Why do they need feeding with cake because someone unrelated to you made a crap joke about OCD, and their daughter suffers with it? (not sure if the person was aware of that but is really that terrible?)

Take cake in by all means it it's normal, but if you say something like "I'm so sorry for what was said to you, please have some cake to help you" that would be (to me) incredibly odd. You didn't make the comment, and why do they need treating? They're adult, they can choose to deal with it as they wish, without op apologising on the person's behalf!

Ah, but many, many people do excuse neurodivergent people when they're cheeky, rude bastards. Usually parents...

I'm not sure why your mind automatically goes to 'treats' to solve this, OP?

You need to speak to the new person. Just a gentle word will do it. They are probably nervous.

Yeah and then they find that in the world of work etc, it doesn’t land well!

I was 50 before I was diagnosed and I work in professional environments so I had to learn this shit without any help and without knowing that other people just knew this stuff! 🙄😆

That doesn’t excuse foul behaviour.

Nor does being ND.

She was rude and insulting to the OP and she was too dense to realise you don’t make jokes about medical conditions until you know your audience.

I feel like she might actually be neurodiverse and is trying very hard to mask by trying to create banter to fit in, but isn't quite getting it right. You bosses may already be aware of her poor social skills if it was disclosed privately.
Be kind.

Oh stop with the virtuous bullshit! The treats are not connected to the colleagues rudeness unless you make a declaration that they are. In which case it’s weird AF anyway tbh.

Stay out if it. I’m sure people in a position to act on her twat comments have ears.

Well, either way, treats won't solve it!

The fact you want to take in brownies is your attempt to capitalise on this person being shit to make you look better. That woman didn’t know their child had ocd and if you want to be a ‘nice’ person why not tell her so she herself can apologise rather than rubbing your hands together at the opportunity to look like the ‘nice one’ in work. I’d rather work with her than you tbh.

Why assume she’s ND instead of just an arsehole? Most of us manage to avoid offending the world accidentally.

I do tell people that I’m ND if I think I might say or do something wrong. Of course she doesn’t have to if she is but it’s either that or people will write her off as a twat.

I am all for banter in the workplace but she should be aware that being rude isn’t the same thing.

Why be kind when someone is else is so rude?

No it won’t. The only way to deal with people like her is to be professional but not go out of your way to be helpful

Why are people saying this has nothing to do with OP. She works in a small office with a person who is making rude comments towards her and the rest of the team. Of course it is her business.

Then she needs to deal with it as per the company policy.

Not become the teacher's virtuous pet.

In fact if she was ND, she would be going out of her way to try to ensure she didn’t give the wrong impression.

By all means take treats in, but I would resist the urge to do so in a peacemaker capacity. For one thing, it's not your job to do this in any sense. For another, if hurt has been caused it's a bit dismissive to treat it as something that can be smoothed over with baked goods.

nit picking???????? someone comes in and is either thoughless or deliberately rude and you call it nitpicking?

I mean she really shouldn't be talking about the bosses daughters OCD to new starters in the office. Just make a generic comment about jokes on disability.

how would she know about the bosses daughter?

I agree. It's best to ignore this than draw attention to it. If she keeps on being a pain then somebody senior will have to deal with her. But if nobody stops her than it might turn into bullying