Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

I think you need to go & see your mum.

However the situation with acknowledged bullying does change things. You are minimising to fit the situation. It is not a ‘few days’ upset. You said two nights for 6 weeks. That is twelve nights of repeated bullying. I couldn’t leave my 6 year old in that situation. Due to this I would cut the trip in half.

You go for a shorter amount of time and your DH takes those days off as holiday or unpaid leave. If you can't afford that now you use the next six months saving every penny and living on porridge to cover the shortfall as best you can. You can't leave your daughter to be tormented by that child and his mother.

Yeah, it doesn’t really matter how you treat your children, or whether they are upset or bullied or abused until they are 7 or so. They don’t remember any of it.

Going to have to leave this thread to the #makingmemories (so ironic) crowd.

Six weeks is too long. I'd go for two.

But that’s where their dad has to step up. As others have said, if he can afford takeaway, he can afford a babysitter. Furthermore were she leaving the kids with a friend, it would become that friend’s responsibility to make sure the daughter was safe in light of the bullying. If the friend can’t be trusted to do this, then she can’t be part of the solution at this time.

But it is not the OP’s responsibility to sort this out in the middle of losing her mum. I’m pushing back on the sense that if OP herself doesn’t solve these problems then they can’t be solved. Kindly, OP - and any of us - could be hit by a bus tomorrow. There are others, not least of all fathers, that share responsibility for our children’s wellbeing and safety.

OP should not be made to feel she is letting her kids down by spending as much time as she practically can with her mum while she still can. It reasonable to expect the kids father to step up to take on all the arrangements to keep them safe and well so OP can focus on her mum and her own wellbeing during her bereavement. Fathers can do this - and do all the time when tragedy hits - and it does no one any favours to assume they can’t / won’t.

I don’t think the 6 weeks is a problem in this situation, but no way would I be leaving my child to stay at a house where you know an older boy will treat them badly. That really shouldn’t happen

Agree, the issue here is the husband.

@justafteropinions i was around 6 when I stayed with my mums brother and their dd came into my room at daylight every morning and terrorised me ( that’s how it felt ) getting hit with the biggest teddy . Jumping on the bed . By the time I went home two weeks later I couldn’t get out of bed with home sickness .
I have never forgiven my mother . It was awful for a child to be in a house that wasn’t theirs and couldn’t go him.
You are planning leaving young kids for 6 weeks and twice a week going to a house that they get bullied in and you KNOW this .
This will change your relationship and I think it will change your child.

Go. Ignore the people saying you can’t. You can.

In fifty years, when you’re on your death bed, will you look back and think that you wished you’d spent 6 weeks doing the school run and all the ordinary rubbish, or 6 weeks with your mum in her last year on earth?

Go. Book the ticket now.

Six weeks with a caring father will be fine. You need that time with your mum. Look at a baby sitting service for the two nights a week. Bubble do overnights and their sitters are all checked and you can read their reviews.

100% go but I’d think of other options than your child being around someone who bullies her.

DH needs to find out what flexibility he has at work. He will definitely have some.
Can he take his annual leave?
Look into after school clubs etc too

Tell your DH that he actually needs to cook them food, even if it’s frozen food during the week and then cook proper food on the weekends.

I’m a single parent working FT (at one point studying in the evenings too), we do not eat takeaways everyday and never have.

That is unacceptable and it’s pathetic if he says otherwise.

I’d just like to point out that a lot of posters responding have only read the OP and not the updates, which is understandable and common on MN.

Still, I think you have had some good advice from other posters eg saving over the next six months, trying to get their dad to take leave to cover the extra days etc. and I hope you can find a way to keep your children safe and visit your mother.

I’m baffled by the two rather than six comments. Firstly you lose so much time to travel and jet lag that it’s not really two weeks of quality time. And secondly those four weeks are four of her last ever weeks with her mother. If I were dying, every day with me kids would be precious to me. And I hope and assume to them. There are two sets of mother-child bonds to consider here, and one is time critical while the other is not.

Once into new routines, the kids will not be counting down the days because young children are intrinsically focused on what’s happening to them right at the moment. My kids hated me going to be with my dad, but once I was gone cracked on with things absolutely fine and I missed them much, much more than they missed me.

Given the expense and trouble for OP and her kids of her of getting there, going for two weeks makes no sense at all to me. OP should have all the precious and irreplaceable time with her mum she is able to, and her mum with her. OP should also be able to support and be supported by her sister at this time. A year on from this situation for me, there’s only one chance to do as well as you can with it and the choices you make stick with you as you grieve.

I know you've considered taking the younger child with you, under no circumstance should you do that. You could explain to your six year old but they are bound to feel rejected if you take their sibling and not them.

Does Australia have a similar govt backed dependents holiday entitlement? Also, reduce the financial hit which can be spent on a babysitter on the two days by batch cooking before you leave. Although, I really don't understand how an adult man can possibly be incapable of cooking basic meals that a teenager could manage.

Lets hope your adult children don't have the same attitude towards you/ Maybe they will leave at the doors of a nursing home, i mean after all you are an adult so will be more than capable of dying alone.

I would go for two weeks and have dad take leave for those two weekends. Don't leave your DD at risk with a nasty boy - she will already be feeling vulnerable in your absence. If he upsets her as well she could end up emotionally damaged. If not physically! You probably won't appreciate being there for 6 weeks because you will be desperately missing your girls and know they will be missing you. However long you spend with DM won't be enough anyway. Please don't leave your kids at risk. Also don't let their dad feed them takeout for weeks that is awful - not tp put more pressure on you but if you aren't a couple (unclear) then can you batch cook at least a few healthy meals for them and freeze. If you are a couple give him a massive kick up the bum and get him batch cooking so things ate ready to go.

I’m so sorry for your situation. I think you should go to see your mum.

but not for 6 weeks. 2 weeks max.
your husband should take AL rather than sending the children to the bully’s house.
your DC quite probably will remember this and how it affected them. You sound like a loving mum who is the primary caregiver, so a period of (for them) prolonged absence will be a childhood memory, although not necessarily a bad memory.

to be honest, I’m staggered that your 6yo is aware of this dilemma. She’s possibly going to bed every night in fear of what lies ahead. She trusts you - you and your DH have to find a way to make sure she is safe and that she feels safe. Don’t give her the double whammy of leaving for six weeks and letting her down when she asks not to be left with a bully.

Why 6 weeks? I would go for 2-3weeks but not 6 weeks.

F

Really sorry about your Mum OP - you are in such a hard situation.

I would go, but with children that age and the circumstances of childcare , only for 2 weeks.

Personally I wouldn't have been able to leave my kids for 6 weeks, but everyone is different, no rights or wrongs,

But I disagree with people saying they will be too young to remember etc.

And you will miss your kids like crazy - not sure why they wouldn't miss you more because they are little, have less control, you are their Mum, etc.

So I think the worst that will happen is that your kids will eat too many artificial colourings and flavourings for six weeks! That's not going to hurt them. Honestly, your kids will be fine. Ignore the comments saying otherwise. The reality is that if there was truth in what some posters are saying about it being too traumatic everyone who's mum leaves them or dies before her kids reach adulthood would be a complete mess for life. Most aren't. 6 weeks won't hurt Your kids will be fine.

Imagine having “endless sympathy” for a women whose mother is dying.

As for having none for the child - I have said in several places that I don’t think she should leave the child with the bully and suggested taking the 6 year old with her. Advice based on the actual facts.

And there was sexual abuse in my own family so im far more aware if it than an average person.

I would not want my Dd to leave my DGC for 6 weeks.

I would want to see my adult Dc, yes, but it wouldn't need to be for 6 weeks.

The bullying is not ok. The dd has said how it makes her feel.

Imagine having “endless sympathy” for a women whose mother is dying.

It’s almost like you have to read a whole sentence to understand it’s meaning 🙄