Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

My auntie moved to Australia many years ago. When my grandparents were dying and when they died, she could not afford to come back. There was no face time back then.

What would you have done if your sister also couldn’t afford it or if your mum had died suddenly?

Ime, bullying children can be much, much worse than you realise if put in a position of power (he would know she HAS to stay there 2 nights each week and there will be nothing she can do about it).

I don’t want to alarm you, but 80% of all CSA is committed by children. Leaving your DD with an older boy who bullies her is a potential danger.

I would not do this for my own and other adults feelings to be prioritised.

That said, I am very sorry this is happening. Would it be possible for you to FaceTime with your mum and the rest of your family while they are there?

Go.

Kids wont remember and theyre with their dad. Its not selfish to need to be with your mum at this time.

You have enough to worry about atm, let your DH worry about things at home.

Hope you get some lovely times with your mum even if its hard

You can't leave your daughter knowing she will be bullied. That's not just teasing, that's mean and nasty behaviour which gets her into trouble. Bad enough to happen, even worse if your mum has knowingly exposed you to it. There must be another solution. What would you do if you didnt know this friend?

I never said to leave the child with a bully.

If my sister couldn't have helped, I couldn't go at all. I can't get a loan of any kind. I've tried.

My mother doesn't Face time but I can call her.

Not go.

Go. Lots of FaceTime and phone calls and postcards.

Can you bring the 6 year old? I think you mentioned bringing the 4 year old so can your sister do two air fares?

You say dh will feed them takeaway every single night, do you mean this literally? That is an awful lot of money. It’s like £40 here for even a cheap takeaway. If that is genuine it’s hard to imagine that money is so tight that dh can’t take a bit of AL / unpaid leave to stop your daughter going somewhere she will be bullied 2 days a week, and he can just chuck some chips and nuggets in the oven instead. Personally my dc would really struggle with this, but I appreciate you’re in a tough spot. I’d probably take the financial hit of him taking time off, so they could at least feel as secure as possible whilst I was gone, if you’re going anyway. Sorry to hear about your mum and that you’re in such a difficult position.

I think that’s the point the Pp was making. And me when I said what if your sister hadn’t been able to afford it. You just would have had to be disappointed and sad. But you are an adult and your DD is not.

I would go definitely BUT I have many friends who have been told their parent is about to die and they’ve bounced back three or four times over the space of several years. So be aware, that sometimes doctors says 6-12 months but it could end up being three years type scenario with multiple bedside dashes.

Tbf other people have face time. I’m sure someone could show her. Or use their phone when they visit her.

They will be absolutely fine with their father. Lots of video calls. The arrangement with the friends for 2 overnight stays a week can't happen if the son bullies your daughter. Your DH will need to ask his work for flexibility under the circumstances.

Just go.

Then your option is to not go.

Your daughter’s emotional well-being and your relationship with her is more important.

In much milder circumstances, and a much milder way my Father let me down when I tried to turn to him. He may never have realised it, but it permanently damaged our relationship and my trust in him, and belief he was on my side.

And in my fifties and still remember it painfully as the moment our relationship changed.

Another in the ‘go’ camp. I was in this situation last year with kids a few years older. Even if you could take your kids with you, you will not be able to care for them while you are caring for and preparing to say goodbye to your mom. I know you feel ripped in two but you are a daughter as well as a mum and this time is precious and irreplaceable both for your mum and for you as her adult child. Your kids will miss you of course but will be fine.

I find some of the pressure for mothers to be ever-present and single-handedly responsible for kids’ wellbeing at risk of irreparable damage to be really unhealthy. We carry enough emotional load without this added layer of pressure. Your role as their mother is important, of course, but other people can keep them safe and well and other parts of your life matter too. Now is a time to be a daughter foremost - please don’t feel guilty about this.

I’m so sorry you’re facing this. All best wishes for what’s to come and I hope you are able to have some warm and peaceful time with your mum when you are there.

I’d say you need to learn to support your child. You’ve just openly minimised what she goes through and also now said the mother gets involved and sides with her son. Great parenting! You chose to leave your family behind and go and live in Australia so why are you now demanding your child put up with some other families shit just to suit you and your needs. If this was me I’d be sat there when I knew my child would be in that household hoping she’s ok and thinking about her and not being told off by some woman for shit she did not do. God help your children if this is your attitude

Yes, agree the overnights with the bully need to not happen. Your husband needs to sort out how to avoid it.

OP JA’s been clear that if she goes her daughter will not be with someone who keeps them safe but will be at weekends with a child who bullies them and an adult who enables that.

Surely if he can afford to buy takeaway for weeks he can afford a babysitter or to take unpaid leave?
Not your kids job to ignore being bullied. What if he actually abused her?

I left my kids with their loving dad and practically moved in with my parent when they were dying. The kids can’t remember it and if we ever do talk about it, I tell them how I was there when my parent needed me most. I remember the precious final months with my parent and just being there for practical support. I don’t regret a thing

But it’s your husband that needs to step up, tell work about the situation and care for his kids

Don’t do this. It’s incredibly unfair on her. Plus take out every night is not necessary. Don’t do that and use the money saved to get a babysitter.

Better to go for two weeks not six.

I’m really sorry OP. I cannot believe that people are picking apart your parenting while your mother is dying.

Im really glad that your sister is willing and able to buy you a flight and I hope you don’t miss out on seeing your mother.

You are in a really tough spot and being shown no empathy here.

Just keep in mind this is MN where fathers are often seen are somehow lacking, and things are dramatised. So what if your kids eat takeaway for 6 weeks. It’s obviously not ideal but that’s all it is less than ideal. They will be ok.

@Eeriefairy’s point about CSA is well put: I had similar thoughts but hesitated to write them. I think she could be at risk & if something did happen his mother would clearly demonise her for it.

My mother would be horrified if I prioritised her over her grandchildren to this extent. All decent grandparents would be. Sometimes we can’t afford what we need, and I’m really sorry you can’t afford for your husband to take leave/change to day-only shifts, because I think that’s the minimum your children need.

I'm 68. I was bullied by my brothers. There isn't a week that goes by without me hearing my parents voices telling the 6 year old me "You need to learn to ignore them. They'll stop if you stop reacting".

You can't seriously intend to abandon a 6 year old girl to an older male, who you've seen bully her in a really nasty way with your own eyes, for two nights a week?