Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

That absolutely is serious bullying, especially when the mother doesn't believe her son is capable of the things he's done.

You stopped exposing your daughter to this boy full stop. You can't dial back on this now. There needs to be other provision made for your kids during the time you're away.

I'd never do this no it's too long and stressful for your children. Your mother is an adult and although sad I would always prioritise my children.

OP don’t listen to posters telling you that your daughter won’t remember it. It’s clear from your updates that the circumstances mean she very much will. I remember a friend in her thirties still speaking with real pain and anger about her Father for inviting her school bully to stay with them over the summer holidays. And he didn’t know it was her bully. You do know and your daughter is begging you and crying.
it won’t ‘just’ be weekends, she will spend all week, every week, dreading going back.

I think many of the posters encouraging you will not have not read the updates.

Yeah there’s 0 chance I’d leave my kids with a bully and his mother who will always take his side. You need a different solution, that will just escalate in your absence. Two nights a week x 6 for someone your daughter doesn’t feel safe around is way too much time for something terrible to happen. He obviously has no issues hurting animals and that’s a really bad sign.

Absolutely not to the friend. 6 weeks is a very very long time for a 4 and 6 year old and it’ll be very hard on them. It’s even worse if they’re forced to be with a child who bullies them. Your 6 year old has spoken up about the bully and you’ve shot her down.

Could you do 3-4 weeks instead? Your husband could temporarily change his work hours to do pick up and drop off or book in childminders or after school clubs.

Children are often more resilient than we give them credit for...my dh was away for way longer than that (RAF) and they coped fine, BUT

1. You cannot send your daughter somewhere she is bullied. That is one way to damage your relationship as she will feel unsafe... that's just not fair on her... you don't learn to cope with teasing (and worse) by having no escape from it.

2. 6 weeks... too long. Go for 2 or 3 if it's that urgent and get your husband to take emergency parental leave.

3. 'Up to a year to live' is a very very vague prognosis. Generally if a condition is terminal like, say pancreatic cancer docs will be more guarded than that ( my DD is a doctor) and up to a year sounds as though you may have plenty of time, in which case I would leave it until things are clearly nearer the end, giving your daughter time to be a little older, and for you to build a network that doesn't involve leaving her to be bullied. Plus some older people can live a LOT longer than predictions! Wanting to have time to reconnect with wider family isn't really a good enough reason to go for 6 weeks when your daughter is not happy.

4. Or just take them with you!

With those circumstances I would go for two weeks, not six.

The impact would not be insurmountable. Many children cope without a parent for far longer. Military children can go months without seeing one of their parents and that happens over and over again. Children of short term prisoners cope, children of long term hospital patients cope. The children who have one parent that refuses to see them cope. Your child would cope, obviously you wouldn't.

I hate this sound bite “prioritise my children”. Her mother isnt just some “adult”, she’s the woman who gave birth to and raised the Op who the Op by the sounds of things hasn’t seen in years. And she’a dying. That relationship is important too. And when the OP is reflecting on her own life being with her dying mother will likely be a comfort to her.

If the bullying wasn’t an issue I would just do it. I wouldn’t leave DD1 with that boy and saying it to the mother while asking her for help is too tricky.

The OP is in a very difficult situation because she doesn’t have money that might fix a lot of things.

I would go. Children are resilient. However
the friend with the obnoxious child is a problem so you need to think about another solution. If there isn't an alternative I would take them with me.

So sorry to hear about your mum. 💐

Course you have to go - it will be your last chance and you will forever regret not going

maybe leave ticket open ended as 4w may be enough

ignore posters who try and guilt trip you over leaving for 6w

many parents leave for 6mths for jobs and in dangerous situations.

they will be with their dad

obv take out isn’t great every meal / wasn’t sure if joking but maybe try and buy some healthy ready meals or batch cook for freezer or leave a vague menu plan - also the cost of regular take out will be a lot

the 9yr parents - can you talk to them about the bullying - which is another name for teasing imo

or from what you say , the mum believes he’s an angel and wouldn’t do abc

thinking of you

Because of the bullying I would say no. But. Have you actually asked around e.g. school friends etc to see if you have more of a community than you think? You've been in country 5 years. I think I understand why you feel you only have one person you can ask to care for your children in your absence while your husband works but I think if you were open with others you might be pleasantly surprised.
All other things being equal, I would go. That's a really personal perspective because in my own case (only 600 miles, not several thousand) I didn't go. I regret it daily.

Yes same

Sure. I’d have no issue with my husband or I doing this. We are both competent adults who can take care of our own kids (and are immigrants so this very well could happen though our kids are older). But zero, zero chance I’d leave my tiny children with an older boy who hurts animals and has a mother who doesn’t see it. That is a massive red flag.

There are Filipino nurses living in Europe who haven’t seen their children for years. That’s has got to be hugely upsetting all around. A few weeks properly managed should be ok.

I take the older one if it were me, as taking one child seems to be an option. You can big up the daddy time to the 4 year old and bribe her frankly with whatever she’s into. And mummy will bring one home and daddy will take her favourite playground etc.

😂 😂 that kid is clearly going to have problems if this is how dramatic they are about leaving them

When OP was asked how the Father was she described him just taking care of their physical needs. They will need so much more than this. They will need an attuned Father to support them emotionally. That is not what OP described.

As for the rest, bluntly the fact the mother is dying won’t ameliorate what the daughter experiences. The daughter will experience a long abandonment by her Mother and to a family where she is bullied and disbelieved and blamed. And where she begged her mother not to place h her. It is foolish to pretend this experience will not effect her daughter or their relationship.

Your post is a classic of the maxim, ‘when the parent is made the victim, the child becomes the victim’.

No, I would not do this. My DM was in your position. We were pulled out of school and went with her for a month to see our dying grandparent while DF stayed behind to work.

If you absolutely cannot afford to take them with you under any circumstances then I would go on my own for a farewell visit of two weeks not six, and ensure that your children are not left in the care of anyone they don't trust and feel comfortable with while you are away. A house where your DD is bullied and makes her cry is not suitable. Can your DH take annual or emergency leave if necessary?

Nobody is saying to leave the child with bully. I haven’t seen one person saying that including me. I’ve said in several places I wouldn’t so what on earth are you on about?!

I would leave them for 2-3 weeks max. Not 6. And only if the dad was and excellent father. As he’s going to feed them takeaway for 6 weeks - I would re consider.

but it’s up to you and your family. Every family is different.

I had children the same age. I would go. They will. E with their dad. You can FaceTime. You need to be with your mum.

not that it’s the same but my DH is military. He goes away for longer than 6 weeks at a time and the kids while they miss him are not ‘damaged’ in anyway. Kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for.

im sorry about your mum.

Six weeks is far too long to leave such young children. They will really miss you and video calls are no substitute for the presence of their mother. Two weeks would be the most I would consider. You should be able to do everything you want to do and say with your mother in two weeks, and you can video call your mother regularly.

And keep in mind that your mother is a significant part of your life. In 10-15 years your children will be off living their lives with their peers.

I would say it’s far more likely that you’ll regret not having given yourself the chance to be with your mum V them being long term impacted by a weeks long absence years ago.

Im very sorry about ten situation, it’s very stressful all around.

leaving your DC with their dad for six weeks while you spend time with your mum and family is fine and do not make you a bad mother. Leaving your DC with a bully for two days a week is not fine. Your explanations of the bullying and expecting her to deal with it are not ok.

I’m on about what you wrote in your post.