Would six weeks abroad without my children be unreasonable in these circumstances?

[justafteropinions]

I live in Australia. My mother lives in Spain. My mother has been given up to a year to live. It might be my last chance to see her. My children are 4 and 6. We have no other family in Australia. Would it be unreasonable to go and visit her for six weeks? I considered bringing the 4 year old with me, since the older one has school, but I have decided to leave both if I go. The whole family can't go because we can't afford it and can't get finance. My sister is going to pay my airfare. They would stay with their father obviously. I want to see my mother but feel torn about the children.

@justafteropinions Why 6 weeks? That's a very long time to leave small children. Especially since their dad has to leave them with a bully child some of the time.

Personally I would go for one week max. Your children are very young and need their mother.

I lost my mum last year, I would go in a heartbeat, you may look back in the future and regret not spending that time.

Six weeks seemed like a good length of time and was suggested by my family. That way I can catch up with them too. I haven't seen them for years now and I don't think I will see them again for many more after this.

There really is no other option to the friend with the son my daughter doesn't get on with. My husband has to work. We can't afford for him not to. It's either she deals with it for a few days or I don't go. I wouldn't leave my children with people I don't know and this is the only person I know well enough. I usually visit during the week to avoid the son. There is no way of affording bringing the children. I can barely do it myself even with family paying my airfare. I either don't go to avoid a bit of distress for a few days on her part, or I don't see my mother again. I won't be going to the funeral when the time comes. This is a one off.

Six weeks isn’t long when you look at travel times and the exorbitant price of airfares. Throw in jet lag as well.
@justafteropinions My advice is to go sooner rather than later as you will both be able to enjoy it more before she deteriorates further. If you have to stay to assist/make arrangements/be with her, you do that too.

This seems one of those rare occasions when it is reasonable. Sorry to read of the circumstances.

I would definitely say go, OP, but 6 weeks is a long time to be apart from your children. Could it be 3 or 4?

Go, but for 3 or 4 weeks. Six is too long to leave them at that age unless absolutely unavoidable.

Hmm, just saw this after posting just now. What kind of bullying? Like a bit of name calling, or making her life absolute misery? How old is the son?

I think this needs addressing before you go. Why is he being allowed to bully her, and what are you and your friend going to do to prevent this happening and make sure your daughter feels safe?

I don't think this needs to stop you from going but you do need to sort it out. Children's behaviour isn't something you just accept - get on top of it before you leave.

What do you mean by bullying? You're remarkably blase about that. Could your husband not need to be away just for a couple of weeks?

Yeah I still want to know more about the bullying.

I’d find an alternative to sending my child to a house where she is afraid of a bully. I’d ask her friends’ parents even if I didn’t know them well.

I think it is usually different when a dad leaves compared to a mum. Not always, but usually. Young kids need ‘mothering’: sometimes this is done really well by the dad, too. Often it isn’t, the mum fills that role and the dad’s more exciting, challenging the child - also really important, but different to mothering.

I don’t mean takeout, I don’t think that matters much in the scheme of things. I mean something more like comfort, safety, connection, seeing the world from the child’s point of view and the kid feeling you do that.

I think a lot of posters aren't reading your updates. This absolutely isn't fine, Op. You can't knowingly leave your daughter with a bully. It could escalate while you're away and be extremely damaging for her psychologically. The fact that she is crying now about this and you know how upset she is means that if you send her that will be there between you forever. Your bond with her might never recover.

I’m sorry OP but with all this extra info, I think you are being unreasonable.

Your responsibility is to the children first. 6 weeks is far too long when their dad will not feed them properly and the only option is for them to stay with a bully. You make your choices when you live in a different country - not clear whether your mum moved from Spain to Oz or you moved away, but unless you knew you were wealthy enough to take everyone with you, this is the consequence. It’s not fair on your kids at all.

Personally, no, I wouldn't leave my dc for 6 weeks if there was any way not to. Maybe for a shorter time? A couple of weeks and your dh takes leave so they don't have to be stuck with the bully?

The bullying is mostly teasing. She needs to learn to ignore that more. She is excluded by him but he plays with the younger sibling. I got her to bring a book to the visits. He also likes to get her in trouble with his mother by doing naughty things and blaming it on my daughter. This is why I started only seeing this friend when my child was at school, to protect her from that. The worst one was when I saw him throw rubbish into a fish tank in the house. He blamed my daughter, his mother didn't believe her son would do that, but I saw it. This was when I stopped taking my daughter on visits. She was really upset that day. He is 9.

Please go. My parents went away for 6 weeks when my brother was 5. He doesn’t remember it at all!

I think this too. Six weeks is not six weeks to such young children. It’s a very, very long time. I know someone whose young daughter was really quite traumatized when her mum had to go to hospital for an extended time.

I would find a way to take the kids with me.

My mum wet away to see hee brother in america for 5 weeks when I was 7. Apart from not enjoying my dad's awful"cooking" (tins of ravioli featured a lot). I don't remember it much! And she was our main carer.

This is absolutely bullying. You can't possibly leave your dd in that situation. She doesn't have to learn to manage being bullied, she needs adults to protect her.

This. Honestly please OP go and be with your mother. There is such hysteria around childen now. They will be fine.

Id either take the older one though or ask your sister to borrow money to pay for a sitter.

I think people are being very unfair guilting you about the “damage” you will cause your children by going to be with your dying mother.

Having read your updates, do not leave the kids.

This will cause a serious rupture in your relationship with your daughter. She will definitely remember this. She will experience this as an abandonment where she is left frightened and bullied, and with a barely competent Father. You are leaving her for what will feel like a very long time. How can she trust you to keep her safe again? You are her person of safety, her person to turn to, and she won’t be able to trust you again.

Get a loan from a bank or credit card and take them with you. Or go for a week only so they don’t have to stay with the bully and his enabling mother.

With the update about the child being bullied, I think the best solution is now a compromise on all sides. You go for less time, say 4 weeks only, and DH doesn't go away that time so the children don't have to stay at your friend's.

I think talking to your friend about what her son is doing, whilst asking for a big favour, is going to be messy.

Editing to say I think it's a bad idea taking them with you, personally. You need to focus on Mum and they are much more likely to remember how sad everyone was if they're actually there.

Sorry you’re in this situation, OP! It must be absolutely awful for you. I personally wouldn’t leave mine for 6 weeks for anything however the fact you’re considering it shows you think you, your children and husband will be able to cope. You don’t need permission from anyone and if this feels like the right thing to do then absolutely go! You will only regret it if you don’t

My Australian friends tell me that they are more relaxed about taking kids out of school. Six weeks is not uncommon.
OP take your kids with you. You absolutely cannot leave your child to be bullied.
It will be a treat for your mother to see her grandchildren.
If you can’t afford to take your kids then either you don’t go or you find somewhere else for your children.
As a grandmother, I would rather my daughter didn’t visit me than leave my grandchildren unhappy.

Do you not think this is dramatic? The bullying I agree on, the “barely competent father”?!. My father didn’t cook but I knew he adored me so having him mind me wouldn’t have been some big melodramatic life event. id probably have eaten toast and dressed oddly.

”She won’t be able to trust you again”?! The woman’s mother is dying. She has enough going on without being subject to this guilt tripping.

She’s already said she can’t get a loan or take the whole family. If she only went for a week, she’d be jet lagged and hardly see her mother. Are you ok being responsible for that if the OP looks back and regrets not having that time with her mother?