Would you message a childhood bully on a forum after 40 years?

[Woolybear]

Hi I wonder what everyone’s thoughts were on this, if you were able to private message someone on a forum, someone you hadn’t seen from childhood for 40+ years and hope never to see again would you tell them what a vile bully they were?

It basically said everyone thought she was a mean and terrible person and no one wanted to be friends with her any more.

I think nearly every girl in the class signed it. I remember standing in the bathroom with some of the other girls grasping the note and passing it around just before handing it to her. And I remember her crying which was incredibly satisfying. But it also felt wrong. I’m not and never was one to purposely hurt anyone and doing so with a group seemed wretched even though it was deserved. I think she was nicer after that for the remainder of the year and I moved to a new town after that.

I was the least popular of the popular crowd or else stuck in between the groups without many or maybe any real friends at school.

She had her cousin and they ruled the roost, loud, mean, thoughtless. Always the new clothes and toys.

At sleepovers they’d get everyone to hide from me. This happened more than once and was just cruel and humiliating though I think I did a good show of pretending not to even notice.

The way some posters talk on this thread it's as though people can't change or grow.

Are you all exactly the same people as you were when you were at school?
I know I'm not.

Doesn't Alcoholics Anonymous advocate the 12 step plan and part of that plan is to apologise to those we have hurt in life?

Don't we teach our kids to apologise when they have done wrong?

Because if we don't then what hope is there in the world?

I say this as someone who was badly bullied and I realised a long time ago that whereas I would never want to spend time with my bully, hanging onto the hurt was only hurting me.

Forgive them and let it go if you can 💐

It’s absolutely possible the bully has changed and deeply regrets what he or she did to the OP, but we don’t know that. My concern would be that an indifferent, hostile or claiming to have forgotten reply (or none at all) might have a negative impact on the OP.

I agree with that, I think I'm just saying although I don't really want or need to hear from my bully, if she contacted me I would hear her out.

She would be unlikely to get in touch and say she doesn't remember bullying.

I wouldn't contact her.

But if she had looked back on her life and reflected and was sorry for what happened then I'm happy to let her have peace.

If we don't then the world has no chance.

There was a huge thread a while back where the bully had got in touch with a poster and everyone helped her compile a sassy reply and the OP replied with that to her but I'm willing to bet once the cheers of the thread had died down that it all felt a bit hollow and was a shame that the two of them couldn't find peace within that situation.

I was bullied all the way through primary by children and teachers alike

My narcissistic mother didn't help-shed go out of her way to befriend the parents/teachers (she got her fingers burned a few times-all my fault)

The two main ones

She was the sidekick of the main bully,both nasty fuckers with dreadful home lives

We got to secondary and I didn't really see her as she was in the year above

Didn't see her at all once we left but to my horror,when my ds started school,he became besties with her ds

I had to have some contact with her because of their friendship but kept it polite and superficial

I could see it on her face that she had changed and regretted what she'd done but I wasn't giving her the chance to make excuses or a vague 'sorry' to make herself feel better

They are still best mates to this day and I don't see her now they are adults

She ended up with a condition that means she stinks of off fish,poo and old sweat

I don't wish her any ill but I never want to see her again

The next bully had a home life that had a separated parents who both shagged their way openly around the local area and didn't give a fuck about the kids-too busy point scoring with each other

Her and her brother had so many 'new' stepparents-some points a new one weekly and where not parented/neglected badly

She was evil- a nasty bitch even on her first day at primary school (which as an adult I understand)

She bullied me all the way through primary and thankfully secondary school stamped on it and she backed off

Left school and we both had babies around the same time who ended up in the same class at school (her bloke,who we also went to school with was a sex pest who would target me often)

The apple didn't fall far from that tree-the dd was even worse and tried to target my dd (because she was my dd) and I had to fight to get the school to stamp it out (bully and her mate where bloody awful-the mate is now in prison for life)

The girls grew up and thankfully ended up in different classes at secondary (and her dd carried on bullying others but at any whiff of her dd getting into trouble for it,her mother would go screaming into school and giving the teachers grief while claiming her kid 'wouldnt do that')

I went through an awful time years later and just shut down-i stopped going out,keeping up friendships and had a breakdown

Bully lived across the road to my best mate and as soon as she spotted i wasn't coming or going as often,she wormed her way in and wendied me

Best mate dropped me and I've not seen her since

Bully was dripped poison in mates ears and that was the end of that friendship

Bully is also a mental health nurse!

So no,I refuse to contact her as it wouldn't do any good-she just cannot see that she is a bully-she not doing anything wrong in her eyes and no doubt her dds (now young) kids will grow up to be exactly the same

People do change and grow.

The OPs question was about contacting a bully, not about someone attempting to apologise.

Apologies are complicated though. Is the person is apologising to relieve their own guilt or in a sincere effort to acknowledge the impact they had on the person they wronged?

I don’t think anyone owes a bully the opportunity to be heard, particularly if it will only dredge up painful memories.

For me, it’s all so far in the past. It wasn’t the hallmark of my childhood and wasn’t a daily thing.

I don’t do Facebook or any other social media, we don’t live anywhere near each other and I didn’t even know where she was and now I have the opportunity to tell her what I think of her I just wish I could’ve done it years ago. I went on this forum about a totally different subject and they posted something on there to me. (Not derogatory)
I appreciate everybody’s views but now as an adult I don’t see how I can let her get away with what was virtually abuse.

What would you actually say OP? Would you just want to say your piece or would you want a response?

I had a message a year or so ago from a girl I apparently went to school with, did not recognise her name nor face (it was on fb) and she told me that she had got on with her life after my bullying her. I have never bullied a person in my entire life, quite the opposite but she had decided that I somehow bullied her. Really upset me and she was adamant I had. I wonder now if she was thinking of my cousin not me but it upset me getting that message just for her to feel she needed to get something off her chest. Still cannot think who she is either. Do not remember her at all from school.

I would just say my piece, tell her how vile she was I’m not really bothered about a response although I would be curious as to what she would say

I’m really sorry this happened to you 😔
The lady in question remembers me very well and I’m in contact with other friends who she and her sisters were nasty to.
she probably didn’t give those times another thought.

Ah it's fine I am over it now. Might seek her out and bully her now for the fun of it instead 😂

Joke in case anyone thinks it is serious!

No.

I would be tempted to. I'm not on any social media anymore, so I wouldn't get the opportunity.
I'm a believer in karma. I've seen it happen to people who have been unpleasant to me in the past.

Google 'Sarah Millican school bully' - she dealt with a message from her school bully very well - rose above it

I would, call me bad or sad but these people should be made aware

From what I read and personal experience, most bullies dont realise the effect it had. I told someone and they were very sorry. Also they either have mental health issues and difficulties or have turned it round. Your feelings are valid whatever you do.

No.
NC is either required nor expected of you.
After 40 years they are irrelevant to your life. Keep it that way.

As she was the one that contacted you I suppose you could message her explaining the reason you would rather not stay in touch. Do you think she feels guilty and wants to apologise to you?

Kids bully other kids for a number of reasons. I'm not excusing it, I was bullied a lot. That said, bullying ruined my childhood and left mental scars for most of my adult life, and if I saw them again I'd be tempted 😳

I got left out of a sleepover in a kind of humiliating way as a kid.

A year later the girl that hosted came to my high school for just one day for something. She knew no one and seemed really awkward. I’ll admit that I enjoyed watching her squirm. I was not rude exactly but somewhat aloof, where with anyone else I would have been warm.she tried, bless her heart.

That’s the closest I’d bother to come to getting revenge, I think. But felt good to have the tables turned.

It helps me to remember that we were all just kids back then, and kids grow up. I doubt they truly realised how their actions affected me because kids brains haven't fully developed enough to understand implications. It's not an excuse for their behaviour but a higher perspective. I look back and feel the fear of the child I was, lonely and frightened, but then bring myself into the present and remember that the kids who made comments and isolated me were just kids too with their own fears and challenges. It's hard to explain what I mean but it has helped me to make peace with it and move on.

Would you be disappointed if there was no response?

I think people view things differently. I was contacted by a woman who had been my friend age 7-12 but who also bullied me. It was very like Margaret Atwood’s Cat’s Eye. I really wanted to be her as she was popular and always at the centre of things where as I was quieter and more awkward. Some times she’d be fine with me and would choose to sit near me in class, other times she’d be weird with me for no obvious reason and “ if you don’t know we’re not going to tell you” was a favoured reply to me asking what was going on. She then moved away. When she got in touch she was full of what great friends we’d been and how she remembered me as one of her best friends from that time. Weird

What would you be hoping to gain?