Would you message a childhood bully on a forum after 40 years?

[Woolybear]

Hi I wonder what everyone’s thoughts were on this, if you were able to private message someone on a forum, someone you hadn’t seen from childhood for 40+ years and hope never to see again would you tell them what a vile bully they were?

The person that you are angry with is the child that they were, not the adult that they have become. You don't know that adult. You also don't know what kind of a childhood that child had.

Leave it be. Block them and move on.

What if you got in contact and they said,
Oh I remember you. You deserved it.
Or I dont remember being that nasty!
No its not worth it. Best put this person out with the trash were they belong.
I dont think you will find anything that will erase all the crap so just leave it and get on with your life.

No. That would be ridiculous.

They are not still a bullying child anymore than you are the child that was bullied.

You need to put it behind you, and possibly get some therapy.

Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, I’m sorry you all went through this, it did make me stronger ( as much in my life has) and for the rest of my life I’ve always stood up to bullies whether it’s at work or passing in the street, whether it’s verbal or children being hit by the adults they’re with & I’ve even jumped out of my car once to try and protect a lady who was being beaten up by a man (putting myself in danger),
I think for myself I will feel better.

Please don't do that to yourself. In wanting them to hear about how they have impacted you or wanting an apology or whatever, you are still giving them a lot of power. What you feel is absolutely valid and should be safely explored in therapy.

I was an 8 year old child they were 16/17 I actually don’t think I need therapy for it and I’m a very strong person and always try to be just and fair to everyone I meet.

I had a friend at school who could be a bully / frenemy at times and she became a born again Christian also. Always thought that was ironic.

There is one girl who made my life hell at school and I would love to be able to just tell her how miserable she made my life. Not to get any response from her- I dont actually care about what she has to say- but just so she knows, and knows I haven't forgotten.
She was supposed to be my friend, which made it even worse. And as an undiagnosed anxious child, I was prime pickings

I was at the GP a few years ago, and as I left the consultation room, the next name was called out. Lo and behold, it was my secondary school bully. Hadn't seen her since 1992.

At the time of the bullying in the early 90s, it all came to a head at one point before a class. She was massively called out on it, and an assembly was put on, plus an anti-bullying initiative, and she did apologise to me.

It's funny that she got to me so much (she was in my class) as two years earlier when I had just started secondary school, some of my sister's classmates tried to bully me and I had no problems telling them to fuck off, and asking who the hell they thought they were. But the girl in my class really got to me.

Anyway, at the GP, she was morbidly obese, looked really unwell, and when she stood up, she could barely walk. She just looked so old and so unwell, I was shocked. And no I took no pleasure in that. I have my own health issues. I had zero interest in talking to her or thinking about her past seeing her there.

Honestly I would not make contact with this person. You are not going to get what you want out of it. What if she turns around and laughs at you? Will you go back to square one?

No, the satisfaction could backfire and then what? You have reopened your wound and nothing was achieved.
either they are still a vile bully in adulthood, in which case they won’t really reflect or care about your comment.
or they have grown up to be a decent person and probably already feel terrible about what they did.
I think most if not all bullies have something going on at home to make them like that. Or they are actual narcissists.
so either way, you won’t get the resolution you were hoping for.

I had this recently when the girl eho made my life hell appeared on our school Facebook page. Judging by her comments, she doesn't gaf about her behaviour and still thinks it was all so funny - so while I wanted to tell her what a cunt she was (with some low comment about how fugly she is now - and she really is) I decided not to give her tge power or satisfaction. I still feel a nervous knot in my stomach when she appears though, 45 years on 😡

"l ways try to be just and fair to everyone I meet."

Replying to someone with the sole purpose of telling them that they were a vile bully 40 years ago isn't very fair.

I would work on the basis that success is the best revenge. Therefore I wouldn't private message them, but I would make sure she knows via the forum that I'm happy and my life has been great despite her attempts to make it miserable and destroy my confidence. If I had the opportunity to get in a dig or two about bullies, I would take it.

Depends on what you want as a result and what you're prepared to hear, which is most likely to be nothing, second most likely some kind of "I'm sorry you feel that way but I remember it differently". You might get what I suspect you want, which is a heartfelt apology and admission of guilt and shittiness that has never left them, but honestly that's the least likely response.

I think doing this leaves you very much at the mercy of their response, which may affect you very badly. Personally I'd leave it. You don't heal based on what this person does; they are actually irrelevant in that regard.

They were almost legally an adult and you were so much younger - there’s something disturbing about that dynamic that says more about them than about you.

Do you feel they could remain a safeguarding risk for children today?

Don’t do it. Either they will pretend to have forgotten or justify/ minimalise. I was bullied by a family member horribly but it’s no use mentioning it as they will just deny. I find nc the only way

That's a good point actually. This isn't your usual bully throwing their weight around in the classroom and going for their peers. A 16/17 year old bullying an 8 year old is a different kettle of fish altogether.

This sounds an excellent and mature way of dealing with it. Maintain your power.

Karma...more satisfying than anything !👍

I wouldn't.

I was badly bullied and even assaulted at school.

I will never forget or forgive but I have managed moved on.

I would not want to give these people the satisfaction to think I am still affected by them as a mature adult by contacting them.

I also think I am angrier at the adults that failed to safeguard me at the time because they should have known better than stupid teenagers.

After I married I was in a managerial role and advertised for a PA. My school bully applied for the job! She wouldn't have known who I was with my name change when she sent me her application. I know it's petty and unprofessional but I just deleted the application and didn't bother even sending a rejection. I know I'm an arse but it made me smile. I did consider inviting her for an interview so I could reject her after giving her a difficult interview but I couldn't be bothered tbh.

Being nosey 😄 but what did you all write in the note and why do you feel guilty? And did it work?!

I agree

No. They will feel that they've changed and are a different person now. Its unlikely to make them feel guilty or have sympathy for you. They might mock you even.

Fair is exactly what it is. Bullies usually think they’re nice when they grow up. It’s a reckoning from the past. I would do it. But only if I felt happy and ok in myself.