Would you message a childhood bully on a forum after 40 years?

[Woolybear]

Hi I wonder what everyone’s thoughts were on this, if you were able to private message someone on a forum, someone you hadn’t seen from childhood for 40+ years and hope never to see again would you tell them what a vile bully they were?

I view your decision as being one made with instinctual wisdom - a choice to protect yourself from someone who caused you pain.

That’s not fear or lack of bravery. That’s an intelligent, adult choice.

@TheSparklyGoatthank you, that's really kind ☺️

Mine pops up on FB every now and again as someone I might know. I had a little stalk and was surprised to see she was a social worker and had written her uni thesis on girl bullies! I hope this means she has had her own revelation and worked on herself but either way she's the last person I'd want to be in touch with.

I’m so sorry you were bullied, but I’m glad you have come out a good person. I was always very confusing to bullies because I had a lot of confidence in just being myself and not caring about what others thought of me. They hated that and often tried to pick on me, but I just didn’t care. I was never unkind to anyone, but I also was never a super kind, sensitive kid. I just sort of bounded around like a Labrador being friendly but oblivious.

I hate that it is always the very sensitive and lovely children who come off worst and I really try hard to put confidence and resilience into them without knocking out that gentleness.

I think being a teacher gives you an interesting insight into the psychology of others. Bullies are usually traumatised, unhappy or don't yet understand positive interaction.

I abhor bullies in my classroom and crack down hard on the behaviour. But they are also often really unhappy little people that need someone to ‘like’ and nurture them - and it’s my job to be that person. I have a girl in my charge just now who has just really unpleasant behaviour towards the two little girls who have been kindest to her - everyone else gives her a wide berth and it’s them she is most horrible to. If you read her file, and what she has been through in her 9 years, your hair would turn white. It’s a complicated mess.

As an adult, I probably wouldn’t bother involving myself in reconnecting with people you didn’t have a good time with. Just let it lie.

It’s really true, too. This person caused you nothing but stress and pain. There is no reason to think they have anything better to offer now as an adult. They don’t deserve your time and attention, and definitely don’t deserve the opportunity to open old wounds.

I’ll also admit that I can be petty and sometimes don’t want to give people that badly harmed me a chance to explain and forgive themselves. It isn’t that I’m holding on to the hurt, but I’m holding on to my sense that they are not good people and I’m not going to allow them to minimise their bad behaviour to my face.

If they recognised how bad they were, they’d reach out to you and say so.

I remember reading on here that a man had ben bullied at school but had risen above it and met with great success owning his own company. A man desperately needed a job and called into his company. The company owner turned round and told him No chance as you bullied me at school. How great that must have bee to the man. I would leave things be personally.

I could have. One of the people who bullied me at school (same age as me) popped up on a local FB group a couple of years ago. He looked so ill and so old in his FB photos (I had a stalk of his public photos) that I assumed his life so far had been punishment enough. I then blocked him. It felt the right thing to do!

@Goatinthegarden

“I was always very confusing to bullies because I had a lot of confidence in just being myself and not caring about what others thought of me. They hated that and often tried to pick on me, but I just didn’t care. I was never unkind to anyone, but I also was never a super kind, sensitive kid. I just sort of bounded around like a Labrador being friendly but oblivious.”

My mother has a similar but slightly different quality and it’s a thing of beauty. She often doesn’t recognise when someone is being unkind to her and it seems to drive people mad.

She will figure it out a few days but by then it doesn’t sting and she doesn’t take it personally.

You sound awesome!

No. If you haven’t moved on then that’s something you need to work on.

You can’t spend your life holding resentment towards others. It does nothing to them and just ruins your life 🤷‍♀️ Think of all those wasted years.

I received a long apology from a girl 2 years above me on Facebook. Sorry she'd been so horrible and bullied me.
The thing is I had absolutely no memory of her bulling me whatever, and it hadnt affected me if she did try to!

I has a similar experience to HelpfulHelena
I liked a Facebook pic with both of us in. Then accepted a friend request.

I had no direct contact with her except for one occasion when she said her kid had an ear infection and I expressed sympathy. But I used to like looking at her posts and observing that her job seemed worse than mine and she was overweight.

Then the posts changed and it was clear she was suffering from quite severe mental health problems.
She'd post stuff like "hoping to get off the locked ward soon-wish me luck!"
I remember thinking "Bloody hell. It was fun when she was just poor and far but I wouldn't wish this on her"

I quietly unfriended at that point because it was starting to feel a bit inappropriate and voyeristic. If I was going through something like that i wouldn't want someone who doesn't like me very much following all the details.

Then a few years later another Facebook friend shared some stuff about a historical child abuse conviction. It was her family. People were commenting stuff like "We always knew something wasn't right, but we were just kids we didn't know what to do" 😥

I was bullied as well OP and I am distantly connected to this bully via a family friend whose daughter married the man who relentlessly bullied me for years. Inevitably my friend posts pictures of her daughter’s family at times as my bully now has 3 children. One of the kids is the image of him and there are times I look at the boy and wonder if he is a bully too. But no, I would never admit to my friend the connection nor would I ever message him directly. He hurt me, it’s been a long time but I do not want to revisit old scars. Either he’s become a better person or he has not and neither would change how he behaved towards me.

I definitely wouldn't. I was horribly bullied by two girls in particular at school and they've popped up on "people you may know" on Facebook every so often but I refuse to give them any headspace.

As a PP said, I don't care about them so their opinion is irrelevant to me.

I agree that they can be complex chaters and that somtimes as in my case it was the more outgoing children they target as well as the vulnerable. In most part have something missing in their lives.

I find adult bullies much less forgivable (your post resonated with me) and I have also unfortunalty come across many postsschool and I also work in public services with children. It somtimes beggers belief that they are where they are, maybe they are trying hard to atone for previous behaviors.

I do talk to the children I work with about my experinces, and I have hope that schools are a better place now from what I see. Hopfully better school experinces can lead to happier adults.

You may be disappointed with the response. They may apologise and you’ll feel better, or they may minimise, not remember, or deny it and make you feel angrier. I don’t think it will make you feel any better just to have had it said.

Your mum sounds lovely. I love the name by the way!

As an adult, I definitely do notice…but there’s a lot of satisfaction in just quietly being the bigger person. If someone is being unpleasant, it’s a them problem and they don’t deserve my fucks to be given. I might have developed this from spending my late teens and early twenties in customer service jobs. Continuing to be delightful and oblivious to an arsehole just drives them up the wall.

They contacted me on the forum as if nothing had ever happened, I have ignored their message for years they were much older than me and they were the same to a lot of people I just didn’t want them to feel like they’d got away with it.

There was a girl at my senior school who was vile and she and her cronies picked their targets. They were the cool girls and the mean girls. Others were spotty, posh, stupid, frumpy, nerdy and worst of all hopeless at sport. These were the alpha, largely sporty girls.

Aged about 33 I came face to face with her at the counter in M&S. Badly cut hair, overweight, rather empty and clearly had not fulfilled her potential. The wimpy frumps on the other hand did rather well.

Love your name also!

I have developed the ability to seem as if it don’t register rudeness and it is very satisfying. Also means we don’t have to feel badly about our own reaction later, right?

It’s lovely that you are a teacher and able to help all of these children, both those lashing out because they are suffering and those who need protection from others.

I was bullied all the way through my school years by a girl and she made my life a living hell.
But looking back as an adult I can see she had a horrible life. She had a sibling in every year and more to come, they had all been placed in care because their mother was an alcoholic with poor taste in men, very high chance she was SA and PA.
From the little I heard she had a horrible life after school too.
I would never want to hear from her, but I can see that she was how she was because of her shitty life.

As it stands I wish her nothing but peace.

I wouldn't have wanted her life.

No I wouldn’t. I would just block them

No. They're not going to change now and if they have changed I doubt you want to build a relationship. Any apology would be far too little and late.

It’s a hard one OP. It depends how badly it’s affected you to this day, and what you hope will happen if you contact them and make all those retained feelings known. I’m so sorry this happened and that it affects you badly to this day.

I had a clique of about 20 boys who made my life impossible at school (various other hangers on who would associate with the group and their siblings in different years.) It was all mental, name calling, psychological stuff. It still affects me deeply to this day. I was written off at school because I couldn’t concentrate on subjects because there’d be various boys in every class constantly grinding me down. I left school with pretty much nothing. I would physically lash out when it got too over stimulating for me, and of course the teachers would then blame me (boys wouldn’t be physical because you don’t “hit” girls…but psychological is ok?) Because of this I have always hated, and I mean HATED myself. I have no self confidence and I’ve spent my life in a pretty complex and at times difficult marriage which normal people wouldn’t ever tolerate, because I know if I didn’t have him I’d have absolutely nobody. No one would ever want me. I’ve never made a successful career because I’d never be any good at anything. I don’t trust males at all. I don’t feel safe around them. I don’t like their company.

Despite all of that I would absolutely never want anything to do with any of them again. They ruined my life! I couldn’t put myself through that again. I’ve accidentally met some over the years who have apologised, no doubt to clear their own conscience not make me feel better. Do you think it will help you? Are you in a place where you are able to deal with any buried feelings that might resurface? Are you kind to yourself and can you deal with all the emotions that you may feel if they respond to you?

It's very likely that she won't even remember you. Or will deny her behaviour.

It won't make her feel sorry or bad. Don't lower yourself.

I would leave the past in the past. In my experience, people don't change much and 40 years would probably have changed the bully less than you'd think.

If possible, I would come off the forum, or 'hide' the person. A tiny victory but to me, it feels like a taking of control.