Would you message a childhood bully on a forum after 40 years?

[Woolybear]

Hi I wonder what everyone’s thoughts were on this, if you were able to private message someone on a forum, someone you hadn’t seen from childhood for 40+ years and hope never to see again would you tell them what a vile bully they were?

Absolutely not.

Either they've become an adult bully, in which case why would I jeopardise myself by attacking them? The chances of them working out who I am & where I live are small but not zero, so nope.

Or they've grown up and changed their ways, in which case what's the point of dragging up this stuff from the past. Doesn't do them any good, and certainly not me.

There is no third way, in which my words somehow make them see the error of their ways, in case that's your reason for asking, OP. That's just fantasy. Sorry, I usually read the whole thread before posting but I haven't read any of this, because it will upset me too much if I read accounts of bullying. It horribly affected me & I am never going back there.

Whilst I totally get the sense of schadenfraude that people get from seeing their former bullies as fat adults, please just be mindful that it can be slightly triggering for those of us who were tormented at school because of our weight!

OP - I wouldn't go there if I were you, as you never know what it might elicit. I've met some of my former bullies in passing over the years, and some were apologetic but others seemed unrepentant. The ones I find hardest to forgive are the sixth-form ones - we were almost adults by then, and much of the bullying was related to my failure to get a girlfriend, which is still an issue now in middle age.

No. They may be very different now. Time to move on.

Often bullying is done by deeply traumatised kids. I hit a girl at school for annoying me once (not hard and never did it again) but at the time my dad was calling me mentally unwell and fat (I was 8 stone) and leaving handprint bruises on my back.

I've moved on from that part of my life and put boundaries and other things in place to protect myself. I would be deeply traumatised if that girl contacted me to call me a vile bully.

No, but you might want to consider finding a therapist that uses the gestalt empty chair therapy technique - where you get to tell ‘them’ everything you need to and process your feelings around it. You don’t need to share the trauma with the bully, you need to process it and contacting them will not help you with that.

I disagree in that you say she will not think of it again. If she is a mother she will most certainly have reflected on her own childhood and realise who/what exactly she was.
You dealt with it fantastically though x

I do know the childhood they had and it was pretty much the same as mine and that of the other people she bullied. I don’t really want to explain how I know this but it wasn’t an ordinary life x

Yes I would because it’s clearly still bothering you all this time later. I find when I say it it’s out of my system and I can move on

But there's no guarantee that messaging will give the OP any kind of closure. It could even be the opposite, if her message is ignored, gets a hostile response or an accusation of making it up or exaggerating, or, maybe worst of all, total indifference eg 'I don't remember a thing about that' or 'You must be thinking of someone else entirely.'

I'd be wary of the potential for causing further hurt.

I love your response to her and that is exactly what I’d like. Well done. Thank you for sharing

It’s quite fair.

It may or may not be helpful to the OP.

All best wishes whatever you decide, OP. No one should be bullied.

I am not sure that it will achieve what you are seeking.

Look at what has happened with the racist school bully Nigel Farage about 40 years on.

This is why you say your piece and block immediately after.
i have never felt worse as long as i do it respectfully

No I can’t see any good coming from it.

Most bullies bully because they’re often being bullied by their own parents or some other issue.

So they may not realise the impact it had on you and never will - they don’t know.

Or they are still not a nice person - they do know but don’t care.

Or they’ve hopefully gone the opposite way and now hate bullying - they do know and do care.

The response you get could massively affect you.
Do you want them to feel sorry for you or feel guilty?
Whats the preferred outcome?

A lot of people will not take full responsibility and that may be worse.

If someone was truly awful to someone and they took full responsibility for it etc - would they not reach out themselves?

It may be good closure for you though so I guess it depends if you can handle them not giving you the response you wanted.

I haven’t given this person much head space until they posted a message to me.

I’m sorry you were bullied and that it still impacts you.

I think whether you want to say something is up to you - I don’t really understand the pps who appear to think that the same thing (contacting or non-contacting) is the right thing for everybody. People process things differently, different things help or hinder them.

I am like you, OP, I would want to do it. I prefer to confront a situation. But it is really important, I think, to consider all the possible options and recognise how you might feel if they happen. Obviously the ideal outcome is that they accept what you say and apologise. But it is just as likely she will deny doing it (because she has genuinely forgotten/put it out of her mind OR to gaslight you), or just tell you to fuck off. She may ignore the message altogether. She may even double down and be awful to you. Consider whether those things would make you feel worse than simply walking away and leaving things as they are.

If it were me, I would probably message and start out by saying that I am not seeking to open a dialogue and am unlikely to respond to any response they may send but I do want to get off my chest my distress and disgust at her behaviour. And then say whatever I wanted to say. But again, this is such an individual thing and only you can decide whether the risk of her denying it or mocking you or ignoring you outweighs the hoped for catharsis of having said your piece.

Oh my lord I'm so sorry that is horrendous 😢 I wish I could give you a big hug, I wish I could help you. Thank you for sharing what was a very painful traumatic time for you.
I really feel that I could cope/deal with whatever response they give and whatever reply they have I know I will feel better because I’m older and bigger now.
it is also helping hearing other peoples stories and getting all the different advice on here.
Im mostly always kind to myself.

She absolutely does remember me and said after she left she often “worried” about me but the best thing to happen for me and others is that she left. 🥳

I agree and I think they took great pleasure in terrorising us young children. I don’t think so now although someone who said they were their son asked on the site if people knew her but all I could say is I hope she’d been good to them.

No but I would block her so she doesn’t pop up again

My school bullies were despicable and made my life hell. No way would I ever want any contact with them now.

That’s usually how I feel, thank you

Thank you.
It was emotional/pschological/physical she took great pleasure in humiliating us and I really do feel she needs to know what she did, her sisters were almost as bad and they were all older and bigger than us.

No don’t do it. If anything the bully should reach out to you to apologize (a friend of mine did this to a kid she bullied)

And I was bullied as a kid and an adult (in the workplace)

100% no. There is a reason you have not had any contact with this person for 40 years @Woolybear . Their approach to you is their business - doesn't have to be yours. You can block and move on.

Nothing can change what happened all that time ago, but it is the past. It doesn't exist anymore and I cannot see what benefit there would be to you to engage with someone who made you unhappy.