Wild expectations of grandparents

[Morningtee]

Just reading an article from the I paper called ‘the do’s and don’ts of grand parenting as children go back to school’ I’m sure the article was written with well meaning intent but as a Gen X I’m just increasingly shocked at some of today’s young parents expectations of grandparent role. Even a paid childminder wouldn’t put up with some of the advice in the article. I had a great relationship with my grandparents but they didn’t play the role that seems to be expected of modern grandparents which seems more about serving the needs of entitled millennial/Gen Z parents than the grandchildren. Indeed a number are quite happy to destroy the entire relationship between grandchild and grandparent if their wild expectations are not met

I didn’t say that they had any duty 🤷🏻‍♀️. If they were only seeing us out of duty I wouldn’t want them to bother to be honest. We see them that often because we enjoy their company, and they enjoy ours. We visit them more often than they visit us because they have health issues that make travel more difficult for them (and yes, we are working and raising young children).

And yet plenty of people were using these places. Evidently there is still plenty of stigma around using financing arrangements - you're perfectly happy to dish out judgement for it. Bankruptcy and IVAs absolutely are usual, I don't know anyone with one...

Not that any of it is relevant to expectations of grandparents.

Seems to be a thread ragging on young people expecting lots of help, when you yourself are a reasonably young person utilising a fair amount support. Doesn't make a great deal of sense.

If you’ve got the money and time and do so good for you both, it clearly works well
for you and your parents. DC haven’t got the money to be travelling to see us and we struggle to afford to visit more often so that’s just how it is. Obviously if it were my own DC living with their father there then I would make it much more of a priority to maintain that regular contact/involvement but I’m not going to give up my pension contributions etc or compromise my own young children and not afford the things they need to do so as there is nothing wrong with the level of contact we have. Obviously if they lost a parent etc then I would see more of a moral obligation to step in

I expect you'd be horrified by me OP 🤣 my parents and in-laws both prove regular childcare for free every week, and ad hoc babysitting now and then on top of that. My mother in law also does most of our ironing and my mother cleans my house once a week when she's here looking after my baby.

They even follow our rules and routines and everything 😧

Thankfully we're all happy and we love each other, so it's all good.

I’m not horrified as I might end up doing the same for one of my other DC if by the time they have children I’m retired, in good health and have a serious case of empty nest syndrome, which is very hard to imagine at the moment but who knows after 50 years of raising my own children 🤣

I didn’t say there was anything wrong with your level of contact. You can do whatever you want! I was just commenting on our level of contact.
I have no expectations of my children’s grandparents, which is lucky really as they have never done any childcare for us (or even any babysitting). My parents however did have a lot of expectations of my grandparents back in the 80s… they picked us up from school every day and fed us while my parents worked, did all school holiday childcare and had us for a sleepover every Saturday night so my parents could go out.

Like I say I didn’t want to be the stereotype of the teen parent that relies on their parents, they didn’t have much but would still insist on giving me £10 to put on the electric meter etc and helped me with moving in and anything else they could, in fact I think it was my DM who bought me the washing machine as she remembered how hard it had been with a baby without one. People have no idea about the benefits system then compared to now, you didn’t receive any money for childcare like now if on benefits, you received a tiny bit of top up but the threshold for receiving it was very low but you were allowed to deduct up to £75 of childcare costs a week from your income in that calculation. Childcare where I lived was a lot more than this. To be honest unless you had family help with childcare it wasn’t worth working as you would be better off on income support so most people in council housing would do that, but then most private landlords didn’t ant to rent to people not working. That’s why everyone just told you you were crazy for not saying your parents had chucked you out to get a council house as it was very difficult otherwise. I just really didn’t want to be that stereotype all round. Once the working families tax credit came in it was completely different, you actually reviewed the money for childcare directly and the allowance was much more generous and the general allowances were much more generous too, I was left with about £200 a week disposable income for food, clothes etc compared to £30!! Also was administered by HMRC instead of the DWP and the was designed to be non stigmatising and almost universal (families with incomes up to 60k could still claim £10 a week) the administration was much kinder and more efficient. I think it’s done backward a little with UC but still far more generous than the system in the 1990s, that’s why it totally mystifies me when people in media say they can’t afford breakfast for their child etc, even more so when every family I know on UC affords what they need for their child

Could it have just been your GP offered and your parents accepted? My parents offered alot with my older children as they were younger and had more time and I was more local, I’d be very angry is my DC turned round and negatively compared like I see some on MN doing, was between me and my DP and nothing to do with them and would of declined even more assertively if knew my DC were keeping a tally

Why do you keep saying people have no idea? Youre only in your 40s. You dont have some unique insight into ancient history. You're oddly cross about other people wanting the sort of support you had and have. I dont get it.

Nearly 50 and you seem to have no idea how much things have changed in the last 50 years, I’m not cross about people being grateful for support but they shouldn’t feel entitled to it from the GP. I hope I’ll be able to give more support once my other DC have children but more so because they’re not entitled people at all so makes me all the more want to support them because they’re wouldn’t assume it’s my duty. They and work also work incredibly hard and are more than willing to help me whenever I need now. It would be an absolute pleasure to help them if I can and know also they wouldn’t ask for anymore than works for me

How did you afford private rent and childcare on so little money as a single teen parent?

With enormous difficulty, basically spending virtually all the money I had for food and clothes etc on the rent and childcare, friends who were just at home on benefits had about £80 left for food, clothes etc, I had barely £30 so could see why we couldn’t even afford to have a tv because of the licence fee. Back then if you were a single parent not on a professional salary and with preschool children the only options were to have some help from family/friends with childcare or be at home on benefits, both carried huge stigma as a teen parent, I had people say it was an awful position to put my parents in and I didn’t want to be the person that did that. I also didn’t want to ask them to write a letter to say they had thrown me out so I could get a council house which is what everyone else I knew in the same position had done

You dont even know how old i am...
You've got such a bee in your bonnet about young people expecting support. You happily accept support yet are horrified at the thought your children might want support.

Sounds like you did well in a difficult position OP, which you rightly take pride in. Do you think this has led to you perhaps overlooking the support you did have? You also say that parents now expect much more than before, but it seems like parents when you were young also expected a lot - albeit perhaps from the government rather than GPs. For example you would not easily get a council house now, as you say your friends did.

Plus the job market being as it is, many young people would struggle to get a job and pay astronomical private rent, even with universal credit.

On the other hand I think teen parents certainly get a lot more wider societal support and less judgement than they did before, including support in going to university. So much easier in the long term than it was.

As you can imagine doing it all again now with my absolutely amazing DH, our own house, a car etc is 100x easier than doing it back then, even though our mortgage is huge, DH has to work long hours and we can’t afford more than a short UK caravan break and our cars 10+ years old, we buy any luxuries like biscuits etc only if on offer and we are basically like most young families just getting by these days, I still feel like we’re millionaires compared to back then and can’t understand why similar families to ours insist the GP need to be put upon ‘because times are so hard’

They did offer as they are incredibly kind people and even now if I needed them they would be up in a shot even though they are quite infirm now and the journey would be very difficult for them. However I didn’t want to be that ‘teen mum’ who ended them up in a situation where they felt they had to virtually raise my child so I preferred to do the essentials myself. I’d already been berated for a role people assumed they would have to have before they’d even done anything! If my DC was truly struggling (PND) not just wanting a night on the town etc then I would definitely help but hopefully by the time my other DC (who are incredibly sensible) have children I will be in a position where it will be easier and more of a pleasure to help and will be more than happy to regularly give them opportunities for nights on the town. Like I say they have absolutely no sense of entitlement at all so it would be all the more pleasure

But you can’t be that surprised people expect help, you say yourself when you first became a parent your friends expected support in the form of benefits and a council house. You yourself received support from your parents and the government.

You have GC which your DC does not expect a great deal of help with and is not cutting you off as a result of you not helping. You receive help in childcare from yourself from other DC.

Your conclusion from all this, and a news article, is that today’s generation of parents are entitled and don’t know how lucky they’ve got it.

I’m the same age as you so I don’t think you have any insight that I don’t?

But you can understand it. Because you did it yourself. You're not a young parent doing it all for the first time now, so you don't have a clue what it is like for youngsters starting out today. You're not comparing like for like.