Wild expectations of grandparents

[Morningtee]

Just reading an article from the I paper called ‘the do’s and don’ts of grand parenting as children go back to school’ I’m sure the article was written with well meaning intent but as a Gen X I’m just increasingly shocked at some of today’s young parents expectations of grandparent role. Even a paid childminder wouldn’t put up with some of the advice in the article. I had a great relationship with my grandparents but they didn’t play the role that seems to be expected of modern grandparents which seems more about serving the needs of entitled millennial/Gen Z parents than the grandchildren. Indeed a number are quite happy to destroy the entire relationship between grandchild and grandparent if their wild expectations are not met

I haven't read the article, can you provide some examples which you found to be troublesome?

It's an article - not how all gc and gp come along.
We don't have a lot of help from gp. Less than our parents had with us. It's not unusual around here.

I had zero help, as I lived 200 miles away from family. I just got on with it.

Grandparents have done their child rearing. They should be left to enjoy their retirement, not used as unpaid child minders.

We always lived far away from my grandparents so they rarely took on the child-minding role that a lot of grand parents do now. I do not know if my grandma did that when I was a baby when she lived nearer. It wasn't as necessary back then as a family could manage on one wage and Mum didn't go back to work till I started school. I do remember other Mum's would help out. If my parents had something on a friends Mum would pick me up and take me to their house and my Mum would reciprocate.

Some people are CFs and treated others accordingly. Hardly breaking news

I quite like the thought of becoming a Grandparent but honestly have big plans in my retirement. My older sister became quite resentful with the amount of childcare she gave.

Grandparents get the adults they raised, essentially. If mummy and daddy's special little soldier has grown up feeling entitled to their time for childcare....is it any wonder?

My friend is very good minds gc 4 days. It does tie her down too. We had zero help you just ploughed on it was hard though. I think now its expected your doing it but thats not fair either.

Exactly, it should be an enjoyable role not one of responsibility, this was how it was with myself and my grandparents, it was days out, trips to the theatre, occasional pickup from school if they happened to be staying over, summer stays when I was older and didn’t need constant supervision. Some millennial/Gen z parents seem to think they’ve got it so much harder than previous generations, I’ve got adult DC and young children and so am not out of touch with the demands of modern parenting at all and was a parents in the 1990s too so can compare how parenting has changed in the last 30 years. We only fairly recently bought our house too so our mortgage is as extortionate as any other young parent’s. My boomer parents never even got the opportunity to buy a house, let alone even owned a washing machine when my older siblings were babies (in the days of no disposable nappies) my mum at home who didn’t even drive had a far harder life back then caring for several little ones than I did working and nursery taking care of my children while I was at work, all the modern conveniences and information and connection at touch of a button

Your GPs were wonderfully involved with you

Were your parents involved with your children?

do your adult children have children?

My boomer parents never even got the opportunity to buy a house, let alone even owned a washing machine when my older siblings were babies

That is unusual. How old are your parents @Morningtee ?

There’s a lot of blackmail that seems to go on that I’ve seen, adult DC criticising their parents online, alienating their children from the GP or going no contact etc if GP not meeting their expectations. Really the same level of bitterness from the parents you would expect to see if the father of the child didn’t play a significant role in a child upbringing, where did this generation of parents get this idea that grandparents should morally be fulfilling that role?

Do you have grandchildren?

Location plays a huge part. We lived equally 100+ miles from both sets of my GPs. As a young child I didn't even realise people lived near to theirs!

My childhood was therefore a series of state occasion visits like Christmas etc.

Conversely, my DPs live in our town, so for DC it was just popping in.

Ideally we become GPs ourselves in the next 10 years or so - but what happens depends on locations again.

Not sure did my friend offer says she loves doing it! In my other friends case they had at least 4 abroad weddings and he wanted to put dates in their diaries lol. So they put boundaries in place they only do x days cover now. When she told me I was shocked its the presuming you have no life of your own

You obviously think all boomers had this enchanted life, yes true for many middle class boomers but mine just worked in ordinary semi skilled jobs which didn’t pay a lot, we didn’t even have a car growing up in the early 1980s and neither did most of our neighbours. You couldn’t just easily go and get finance for such things like now and they wouldn’t have had the spare money to pay the finance anyway. We didn’t even have money for a TV licence at times, there weren’t all the top up benefits that are available now, nor the childcare

And your parents… involved at all with your children?

Do you have grandchildren?

Your family didn’t have a washing machine? When was this?

I had my 3 older DCs in the 90s when i was i my 20s. Very little help from my parents re child care. My own grand parents never did any child care at all. Just saturday visits and games of snakes and ladders.

My MIL has done years of full on child care for SIL. Almost raised her kids for her while she carried in with her career. But did zero child care for us or for other grand kids.

My eldest has a toddler now and the other set of grandparents do more scheduled child care for her and her DH than me. I still have a pre teen DD tho so am still in the weeds of parenting.

I see my DD more than they do tho - she's round here a lot with GD hanging out, but i'm not doing the caring. If theres an emergency then we're the go to child care in a panic.

My point is that even within the same family unit things are not all one way for everyone. Some even in one family some members need/ask for/get/are prepared to give more help than others and at different times.

I’m similarly involved with my GC as my GP were with me, my parents and their other Gp were more involved with my older children as they lived nearer and had more free time at that particular time but much less involved with my younger children as they are now much older/health issues and live further away

My 70-year-old sister is nearly killing herself practically raising three grandchildren under six to enable her 40-year-old daughter to work full-time. What should have been a rewarding, relaxing time in her life and now she’s back all over again to the hard, hard work of childcare. Her daughter blithely sees nothing wrong with the arrangement.

You’ve called this thread wild expectations, and said the article had things even a paid childminder wouldn’t put up with. But you’ve not given any examples of these wild expectations people are apparently willing to “destroy the entire relationship” over.

What did the article say?

Odd you don’t mention fact you have GC and your involvement with them in your Op!

Could you link Op?

Mums didn't go back to work until kids started school as there were zero free hours or childcare vouchers. As a result there wasn't much paid childcare for under fives as most people couldn't afford it.