Page 5 | Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

Original poster

Tricera · 03/09/2026 19:59

Playinwithfire · 03/09/2026 19:37

I'm not sure what country you're in but if would be doing a Claire's Law... Cause what the f would a 32 year old have in common with a 17 year old girl!!!

I looked into this but they would only contact her and not me, and I'm worried that she might see this as me trying to drive a wedge. Because if she didn't ask for the information who else would it have been.

OP posts:

Stelladid · 03/09/2026 20:09

If it was my daughter, I would probably feel the same. That said, I’d be a hypocrite to do so. When I was 19, I had a relationship with a 37-year-old guy. It lasted 14 months. I didn’t get hurt, I got bored and ended it!

Heretohelp1111 · 03/09/2026 20:09

Unfortunately if you’re too heavy handed you’ll only push her further in to his arms. I would however try to maintain an open and warm relationship with her while also prompting her to do some critical thinking. For example you can show interest, asking the odd question (not all in one go though as she’ll feel interrogated), such as are all his friends are much younger, if his ex’s were much younger etc, and perhaps you could try and make the odd “joke”, for example if he’s closer to yours or your db’s age have a laugh about that in front of her.

Disturbia81 · 03/09/2026 20:11

TallPerson100 · 03/09/2026 19:13

My wife’s first husband was 20 years older than her and he was often called her Father which she found funny. I’ve had relationships with women 20 years older and 15years younger over the years. An ex male colleague of mine at age 50 was ina relationship with a 17 year old 6ft form girl which lasted some months (he was a former semi-pro footballer and was wealthy with lovely clothes, Audi convertible etc). As long as your DD isn’t being coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to then I suggest letting it run and it will fizzle out. Just make sure she is using contraception if she is sexually active with him.

Edited

50 and 17, what a sick fuck.

LaughingCat · 03/09/2026 20:29

Interesting the gamut of opinions on this one. Personally, one of my boyfriends at high school went out with a woman nearly 30 years his senior before me and I remember thinking it was a bit weird but not overly so. I went out with someone 15 years my senior when I was 19 but that didn’t last past the first time we tried to have sex. I pulled on his nipple ring a bit too hard with my teeth and he ended up in A&E. He never got back in touch. That’s what you get when you mess around with a girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing in the bedroom!

It’ll likely just fizzle out if you don’t place too much importance on it, OP. It was all just a bit of a lark for all of us when we were younger…we didn’t really think much of it beyond the novelty and we all got bored eventually.

Mmhmmn · 03/09/2026 20:30

Someone needs to get the idea through to her that a 32 yo man who wants to ‘date’ a 17 yo and thinks it ok to do so is NOT normal. It’s not glamorous, it’s just creepy. What about getting a friend’s mum on side? Older sibling??
Tricky thing is at 17 you don’t realise how much of a child you still are, you just think you must be gl and sexy to have bagged an older guy 🤦‍♀️

Playinwithfire · 03/09/2026 20:56

Tricera · 03/09/2026 19:59

I looked into this but they would only contact her and not me, and I'm worried that she might see this as me trying to drive a wedge. Because if she didn't ask for the information who else would it have been.

Show quote history

If there is no history then there is nothing to worry about. That way you will know he isn't a creep that's caught in his actions. However, if there something, then at least the police will advise her.

I genuinely understand your concern, but for me the concern would out weight in this instance. Why are teens so bloody idiotic!!! I have a teen boy and honestly they think you just arrived on planet earth and have no life experience at all!

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2026 20:56

At 18 I had a relationship with a 28 yr. Parents didn’t know - lasted a few months

hindsight he was too old for me and when I saw him about 10yrs later and he looked well over 40 (me 28)

but he was nice. Kind. And sometimes I wonder what he is doing now apart from
collecting his pension

be interesting if he does show up for dinner. When have you arranged @Tricera

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2026 20:59

TallPerson100 · 03/09/2026 19:13

My wife’s first husband was 20 years older than her and he was often called her Father which she found funny. I’ve had relationships with women 20 years older and 15years younger over the years. An ex male colleague of mine at age 50 was ina relationship with a 17 year old 6ft form girl which lasted some months (he was a former semi-pro footballer and was wealthy with lovely clothes, Audi convertible etc). As long as your DD isn’t being coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to then I suggest letting it run and it will fizzle out. Just make sure she is using contraception if she is sexually active with him.

Edited

50 and 17

gross

Janecat23 · 03/09/2026 21:40

Well you can’t do a great deal apart from keep your relationship strong with her and be there for her. You can tell her - you’re really worried about the relationship and you love her v much . Tell her first hint of not feeling right you’ll be there. And make sure you are. How did they meet?

sunflowerwater · 03/09/2026 22:10

Wow I feel for you! I have a 17 year old DD and I would absolutely freak out if this situation happened. I think you're being really calm and reasonable. My DD was literally saying this week she finds it odd and a bit creepy with 4/5 year age gaps even at this point. She rightly pointed out the huge difference in lifestyles, social circles etc and that how people meet would tend to be a bit artificial to create this. Sorry if I missed this - but how did they meet?

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2026 22:20

Standing in a queue chatting @sunflowerwater

wonder what the queue was for

Quitelikeit · 03/09/2026 22:29

When is she 18

So she still wears a uniform to school? No decent man would entertain this

Kickinthenostalgia · 03/09/2026 22:38

I was 16, DP was 20 and we’ve been together 22 years with 2 kids. No one said anything about the age gap when I was younger, I understand it’s only a 4 year age gap so totally different. Honestly DP was on the cusp of my boundaries. Back then I was a 3 years older, 1 year younger kinda girl.
i wouldn’t try any thing 2 outrageous because you could end up pushing her away.

Sunbringer · 03/09/2026 22:42

Kickinthenostalgia · 03/09/2026 22:38

I was 16, DP was 20 and we’ve been together 22 years with 2 kids. No one said anything about the age gap when I was younger, I understand it’s only a 4 year age gap so totally different. Honestly DP was on the cusp of my boundaries. Back then I was a 3 years older, 1 year younger kinda girl.
i wouldn’t try any thing 2 outrageous because you could end up pushing her away.

16 and 20 is not 17 and 30s.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · Yesterday 02:49

Tricera · 02/09/2026 15:21

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

This is 100% a grooming scenario, you need to stay on top of this, and do everything you can to look into this guy.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · Yesterday 02:52

Kickinthenostalgia · 03/09/2026 22:38

I was 16, DP was 20 and we’ve been together 22 years with 2 kids. No one said anything about the age gap when I was younger, I understand it’s only a 4 year age gap so totally different. Honestly DP was on the cusp of my boundaries. Back then I was a 3 years older, 1 year younger kinda girl.
i wouldn’t try any thing 2 outrageous because you could end up pushing her away.

That is a 4yr age difference. That is not comparable in any shape or form. I mean, yes, it was very creepy of your husband to date someone still in school, but this guy is almost old enough to her father.

JMSA · Yesterday 03:01

He’s disgusting. I wouldn’t be able to look at him, so I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do.

junebirthdaygirl · Yesterday 03:33

When l was 17 my boyfriend was 23. I totally fell for him as he was cool, good-looking and not an awkward 17 year old.. my dps were horrified. Looking back l see they did the ..let's take this easy so we don't drive her towards him and then .this is not on this has to stop. Looking back l have such respect for them as l know they genuinely tried to do their best to protect me and l am grateful now for that but l wasn't then. I would be shocked now if they hadn't expressed any misgivings as it would look like neglect . I went to college at 18 and all the guys my own age suddenly felt more attractive and fun than a working guy with no free time so l split with him.
What l am trying to say is she won't appreciate your concern now but it will remain with her. Don't play too cool , just focus on your concern for her and hopefully it will fizzle out. Just to add it was my Dad's disapproval and upset that stayed with me the most so maybe her dad having a chat might hit home as we can tune out our Mom's at that age.
Also this was in the 70s so no sex involved or definitely no staying over.

Melarus · Yesterday 05:47

So he's coming round for dinner? I'd find it hard not to get a few digs in.

"Thinking of Italy for next year's holiday, but the strong sun can cause such damage to your skin. We middle-aged people have to watch out for that, don't we Geoff?"

"And how's your pension, Geoff, is it defined benefit or contribution?"

Original poster

Tricera · Yesterday 10:22

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2026 20:56

At 18 I had a relationship with a 28 yr. Parents didn’t know - lasted a few months

hindsight he was too old for me and when I saw him about 10yrs later and he looked well over 40 (me 28)

but he was nice. Kind. And sometimes I wonder what he is doing now apart from
collecting his pension

be interesting if he does show up for dinner. When have you arranged @Tricera

Saturday supposedly.

OP posts:

Dontlletmedownbruce · Yesterday 10:50

I would totally panic too OP but the post got me thinking. When I was just 18 so only a few months older than your DD I started seeing a man 9 years older. It didn't last long and that was fine. But I found that unlike boys my age who just wanted sex so they could tell their mates, he wanted a serious relationship. He was the one guy who listened to me and really seemed to care. I broke up with him because we wanted different things, I wanted a bit of fun and he wanted to meet my parents. I don't think an age gap is always a red flag but definitely something to be very wary of. I was a strong minded young person and quite cynical so I wouldn't have fallen for a groomer. You know your own DD and her vulnerability.

Teenmumgoingcrazy · Yesterday 11:20

i'd be considering a 'Clares Law' request as a first point, you dont need to tell her that but its highly questionable what his motive's are here. It would be an absolute no on staying over and if his intentions are good this shouldn't be an issue, surely he'd be wanting to meet you to reassure you he's not dodgy... i think we all know the real intentions though.

Lins77 · Yesterday 11:38

I'm a bit surprised she's so keen, going by my DD and her friends' attitudes they would be appalled by the mere prospect of dating someone in their 30s (or anyone over 20 in fact).

Unlike in my day when an older boyfriend was quite likely a bit of a status symbol, these days it seems to be regarded with disdain.

May not apply to all, of course!

Original poster

Tricera · Yesterday 11:42

Teenmumgoingcrazy · Yesterday 11:20

i'd be considering a 'Clares Law' request as a first point, you dont need to tell her that but its highly questionable what his motive's are here. It would be an absolute no on staying over and if his intentions are good this shouldn't be an issue, surely he'd be wanting to meet you to reassure you he's not dodgy... i think we all know the real intentions though.

I have submitted one.

Im somehow feeling very nervous about this and also about Saturday but there is not much I can do than wait to see how it will go, and not to lose my cool.

OP posts: