Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

[Tricera]

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

Dd went out with her boss at that age, he was 30s..we invited him over, were overly welcoming but also acted no differently around him.
She was at college, so we checked in about homework in front of him, told her to tidy her room before going out. Made arrangements to pick her up etc. In other words made it clear she was still a kid. It fizzled out in a few weeks and she saw him for what he was. If we had disapproved, and been anti she would have dug her heels in.
Also there is big age group between me and her father, but it was a different dynamic ( not boss!) We met through mutual interest and are still together 40 years later.

I had this at her age. My mother stayed out of it, never said a word. The “relationship” lasted for a couple of years and we stayed friends but as I got to middle age I began to examine it and see how gross he was. I don’t think he ever thought twice about it. So, she might naturally move on and grow up, and realise he’s creepy but right now she thinks she’s mature.

I’d suggest you all meet up in a pub for a drink. Go the bar and return with a Fruit Shoot for your daughter as she can’t legally drink.
That should have the creepy fucker running for the hills.

Get her on the implant or pill at least.

Sadly, you’ll have to let this run its course annoying as it is. Try to think of it like a good lesson in life for her?

Does he say he is 32, could he be older?

I hate to break it to you @Tricera, but there’s nothing you can do. When I was 17 I had a 33 year old boyfriend I met in an online chat room. Well, he said he was 33 but, being older myself, I now realise he was off by at least 10 years! My mum said nothing - she has an expressive face so I knew what she thought but she said nothing because she knew parental disapproval would have me imagining we were star crossed lovers. We broke up 5 years later and oh boy did she finally let rip.

My advice would be to be neutral. And, if her dad is around or you have male relatives, get them to threaten him. Men who prey on young women are usually cowards and run at the first sign of a threat.

Terrible idea because he might enjoy that even.
I think the best approach is to plant that seed of doubt so the poor girl can recognise what he is sooner rather than later.

Be there for your daughter OP. Keep an open dialogue and make sure she can tell you anything without judgement.

When I was 17 I had a boyfriend who was 31. He was charming and like many other PPs on this thread, he made me feel very special and grown up. Of course that facade dropped very quickly and he was abusive and controlling. I was with him for 3 years before seeing the light.

I lied to my parents about his age as he did look younger but I wish I had opened up to my mum about what was going on.

At 17 (nearly 30 years ago) I had a boyfriend who was 27. He was the son of a marquis and supremely arrogant, well travelled and very "experienced". I found out he was 4-timing me with his now wife and a couple of other women. Was I hurt? Yes, but I've never really believed in monogamy as a natural way of being. I was more hurt by the lie than if he had just told me it was open. But back then it was pretty unusual to find a young girl who wanted an open relationship. He was maybe my 2nd boyfriend. I learned a lot. Including about my boundaries and my likes and dislikes. It shaped me. I don't regret it, but I also don't value it or feel strongly in any way about it. At 30 I had a fling with a man 20 years my senior. Again, it was great fun, I learned a lot and I found out more about myself. Relationships come and go. I've been married 20 years to a man 3 years older than me. He jokes he isn't old enough, but the truth is that whilst age and experience can be great teachers, I want to grow old with someone my own age. When we're young is the time to learn things, make mistakes etc. Is he much older than her, yes. Does that raise an eyebrow, absolutely. But men are notorious for finding anything post pubescent attractive and that doesn't necessarily mean they have ill intentions. As a parent of course you want to protect her, but the best way of doing that is to have a chat, explain why you're concerned, but tell her you'll give him the benefit of the doubt if he makes her happy. Tell her that she can come to you with anything she needs to, no judgment- and you need to stick by that. You can't say you'll do one thing and then do another or she'll never trust you again. If she's responsible, trust her. If she's vulnerable, just be straight but objective about your concerns. The worst thing you can do is drive a wedge that results in her turning her back on you because then if she does need you, she won't come to you.

Have you been brutally honest with her about why it is creepy? He is either too immature for adult women or has a thing for teen virgins.

Is there any other woman you can get her to talk to about this? Even a friend of hers or yours.
At 17 she will think he thinks she is mature and that she is so special to have been picked. The reality is more likely he is a creep and wants to have sex with a teenager. Can you ask her why she thinks he is not dating a woman his own age? A genuine question. What are her thoughts on this age gap? And if she doesn’t have sex with him, what will happen?
Invite your brother to dinner, lets him see there are men in her life. He’s praying upon a girl without a dad. What a shitbag.

I have a 12 year old daughter and there is no way in holy hell I’d be as cool as you are being OP. Either my DH (copper) would have chased him off or I’d have buried him under my patio for even looking at my little girl.

I’d do everything wrong, I know I would, but only one type of man thinks this is even vaguely acceptable and he won’t be a good one. Keep a close eye, don’t let her stay over at his and but invite him to yours. And fucking shame him if he resists! ‘You must appreciate due to her young age we prefer her boyfriends come here. You understand of course?’ If that doesn’t make him turn tail and run for the hills I guess you have to grit your teeth and wait for it to blow over.

Like seriously my worst nightmare. That and teen pregnancy.

She's been on the pill for over a year because I think it's really important to normalise these things. I'll definitely raise the implant option now that she is considering getting serious with someone.

He has allegedly agreed to the invite and is happy about it, but I wouldn't be surprised if he cancels or simply doesn't turn up.
I think I will ask my DB to come around although it's unlikely that he will be able to but it's worth a try.

Disgusting creepy fucker. Getting turned on by a teenager!

Is this not illegal? Gross!!!

My wife’s first husband was 20 years older than her and he was often called her Father which she found funny. I’ve had relationships with women 20 years older and 15years younger over the years. An ex male colleague of mine at age 50 was ina relationship with a 17 year old 6ft form girl which lasted some months (he was a former semi-pro footballer and was wealthy with lovely clothes, Audi convertible etc). As long as your DD isn’t being coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to then I suggest letting it run and it will fizzle out. Just make sure she is using contraception if she is sexually active with him.

One of her close friends told her parents about him before DD told me, so there is at least one friend who is suspicious of him. I'm just sad that DD doesn't seem to have the same maturity.

Have him around for dinner. It can often reveal a generation gap that your DD may not have considered. I mean, he's not old enough to be her father but people will assume that when they're out. Explain to DD that it's a bit early days for staying over. They need to go out on some dates first!

Things she needs to look out for ... What types of movies he likes, how he is in restaurants and how he treats staff on restaurants... She may get very bored. And if there is a genuine connection then he'll wait for the stay overs.

I didn't feel comfortable going to dinner at my BFs flat because I didn't know anyone nearby and he could have been a serial killer. He was fine with that. I didn't feel ready to have sex with him until we'd been together a while. Again, he was fine with that. It seems dumb now we've been married nearly 30 years but actually he still thinks I did the right thing. Your DD barely knows this guy. It doesn't matter if he's 18, 22, or 32. She needs to stay safe too.

No the age of consent is 16
Obviously its far from ideal

I was only 17 when i first meet my husband started a relationship at 18, he is 13 years my senior we are still married 45 years later.

I’d mention things about school and homework then when he comes over. Yes invite your brother! Say he popped in.

does she want to go to uni?

I dated older men at 17, older than 32 but nothing bad happened, it always fizzled out but they were never abusive and never coerced me into anything I didnt want to do. This would have been late 90s and it was fairly common, in my school/college anyway.

My parents never said anything at all, they went along with it but now I'm older I know they were probably playing it safe so they knew what I was doing, who I was with etc.

I do think 17 yos seem a lot more immature now, a lot have only ever been to school and 6th form, not even a college and most dont even have part time jobs which pretty much all my friends did from age 14/15. We weren't micromanaged in school holidays, were expected to manage our own time for studying/leisure time and I definitely was an adult at 18 whereas most 18 yos now I come across are still like children.

All that said, as I have got older I cannot understand why someone in their 30s would be interested in a 17 yo and I would fully support the 'romeo and juliet' laws with regards to age gaps when the younger party is under 18. No person over 20/21 should be with a 16/17 yo.

@Tricera I certainly wouldnt set out to embarass her in front of him, shes not at school so why mention it and at 17 surely you dont need to be discussing homework, let alone in from of guests. You want to keep her trusting of you so she feels safe to come and talk to you at any time, if you behave like some people have suggested then you will be pushing her away.

I'm not sure what country you're in but if would be doing a Claire's Law... Cause what the f would a 32 year old have in common with a 17 year old girl!!!

I would of course also be concerned in your shoes, however, I had a relationship with a man who 28 (so slightly younger) when I was 17. In hindsight I think he was also quite immature, though he had a good education, good job etc It fizzled out after 2 years and he is now a blip in my life and can hardly remember his surname.
I would not say he was a creep, but of course there is a power imbalance I didn’t see at the time.