Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

[Tricera]

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

It's very difficult OP, I feel for you. I think all
you can do is communicate with her and be very open about your concerns - it's her first
boyfriend, he is much older and more experienced, she should not let herself be rushed into a sexual relationship if she's not ready for it. You can share experiences of your own or other people you know of.

I would also be interested to know if he really does know her age, because that would be a massive red flag. Decent men in their 30s do not want to date schoolgirls and certainly should not be pressuring her to stay over at his place. Does she look 17, does she seem more mature?

I mentioned this story to my DD of a similar age whose immediate response was "nonce"!

Sorry but I'd be going to the safeguarding lead at her School/ college - she may be over the age of consent but she is still legally a child and the potential for harm and exploitation here is huge. I know that the school I used to work in would be all over this.

What does he do for a living? If it is anything even remotely related to families/ vulnerable adults/ the public sector he could find himself in serious hot water. Even if it's not in any of those fields the reputational risk to his employer could be significant, in a post-Epstein era nobody in their right mind wants to be seen to be employing adult men choosing to be in a sexual relationship with a minor, even if that minor is over the age of consent.

@Tricera Invite him over and bond with him in a way that makes it clear you are the two adults and she's the child.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. My 18 year old was in a relationship with a man 10 years older for several
years. They met through a mutual interest and were very happy for a significant number of years. Ultimately it didn’t work
out, but he wasn’t remotely creepy and the family became close to him.

Ugh. My son is 18 and he and his friends think it’s creepy for their age to be dating girls 2 school years below them. I’m
surprised your DD thinks this is ok as I get the impression that any kind of obvious age gap is really looked down on in their generation. What do her friends think?
The two of them can’t have very much in common. He’s sounds predatory. Has she just turned 17 or is she almost 18?

It’s possible she added a year or three so he thinks she’s 20+

still a massive age gap

best way is to be casual about it. Def let him know her age

if having driving lessons could mention she’s doing well with her lessons I got for her 17th birthday in Feb etc

or just say she’s 17 and planning a party for her 18th in x months

etc

when is he coming over for a meet and chat @Tricera

but def keep her on side by not shouting .pushing her away

Chocolate cake?

Aaaw OP I’m sorry your going through this just keep calm (I know easier said than done) Don’t mention the age gap be supportive of the relationship when talking to her (I know my tongues bleeding just thinking about it lol)
at the minute she is seeing a grown up life and she likes the look because it’s all there ready for her he’s working, got his own place, got a car all very appealing.
I agree with wanting to meet him and definitely drop your daughters age in to the conversation
I wouldn’t be happy about sleepovers but honestly if you don’t allow them they will just be at his during the day
If your daughters not already on contraception then I’d be sorting that maybe the implant, injection or coil rather than relying on her to take a tablet everyday.

Wishing you luck OP

I'm actually shocked and disgusted at the amount of so called mothers who are not outright horrified at this.

No normal adult man is interested in teenagers.
I was born to an 18 year old mother and 30 year old father, I'm a huge advocate AGAINST these types of men. They are targeting the youngest they can legally get away with. If they thought they could get away with targeting even younger girls they would.

Please for your daughters sake have some men in your family sort this creep out.

Don’t fall out with her, another poster said on a similar thread a few weeks ago to keep them both close, welcome him through gritted teeth. That will no doubt in my mind be a controlling relationship and she will need to know she can come home, and without ‘I told you so’s’. I was her 25 years ago.

Still a school girl and this is her first boyfriend? Oh hell no . Think you have been given good advice here . I feel for you OP such a worry. Wonder if there is a way you can subtly highlight the age difference with cultural references like Grammar schools and Spice Girls .

This truly is the best way to solve the problem but I don't think she has an adult male that can do that
Men are afraid of other men
He would disappear if a man approached him about it

Someone needs to check his hard drive. He's a predator no doubt about it

Nobody thinkks the sutuation is great
But unfortunateley it us legal
Coming down heavy handed might well push the Ops daughter away and that will leave her even more vulnerable as for advocating for violence how is that going to help?

What would be your rules usually for credit with boyfriends? At 17, it would be perfectly normal to say no. This is quite apart from age.

What exactly do you think the safe guarding lead could do
Shes 17
Assuming hes not a teacher they havent done anything illegal
Plus if pushed enough by school/ college she might decide to leave.

Hmm, I dated a 32 year old when I was 17, for a year, he was very lovely to me, had a signficant career, was incredibly handsome, was divorced, and I didn’t have sex with him, I did everything else though to be fair. We want on proper dates

it ended when he asked me if I could tell my parents about us, and I said there was no chance, my father would kill me. He was 40 and my step mother 33. If I fronted uo with a 32 year old, my father would have went crazy

weirdly enough I met him decades later, and he looked older than he should have looked, and I suspect he lied about his age. We met in a night club and I lied about mine, I then fessed up on our first date, he said he also lied, he’d said he was 20s, but we landed at 32 when he said how old do you think I am. I suspect he was late 30s.

however I can honestly say of all the men I dated at that age range , he was the one who was the least pushy about sex and the one who treated me with respect. And took me on proper dates, guys my age were just wanting sex. He wanted a full on relationship. He was in love, I was not. He saw a future, I did not.

so I would meet him first, they may genuinely like each other. Of course this was 40 years ago for me, and times have changed, but as much as I’d not like it either, I’d meet him.

Mention something a few years back and reference her age, let him do the maths. Like covid lockdown, it was so boring being 11 during lockdown wasn't it? And how did you spend lockdown Paul?

Give him a chance? No way. Protect your child because she is the vulnerable one in this dynamic.
We’ve all met these types of men at her age and we know what they are after.

The week i turned 18 I met a guy through work who was 31. We went out for about 6 months. I'm now in my 40s and it's been a long time since I realised how dodgy that relationship was - he was a bit of a creepy manchild in hindsight. I didn't have a stable childhood, emotionally absent parents so I think I was a bit vulnerable and grateful for any male attention.

My biological father (since disowned) met his second wife when she was 17 and he was 34. I was too young at the time to realise how sick it was. They did go on to marry but she later divorced him because he didn't want children. No shit sherlock because he already had two and wanted to go back to being a 'bloke'. He's now on wife number 6 (I think).

I did meet her family and they seemed normal enough at the time so I'm not sure why they didn't lay down the law. I have adult sons and if I had any inkling that they were lusting after much younger girls they would get the full thrift of my anger.

I'd do this too and ds's school would've been all over this too. Yuck

I was worried about 17 year old with a 23 yr old! I’d be absolutely steaming with a 32yr old!

I'd be having a private chat with HIM, not your dd.

Great reply. Say all this OP.