Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

[Tricera]

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

I have a million questios....How did they meet? How long they been together? Minus the age do you like him? Is he divorced, kids?

Only a few weeks! I don't know him yet. But I don't think that a 15year old age gap is fine at that stage. They were apparently in a long queue and ended up chatting and exchanged numbers.

What a creep. I'm not sure what you can do at 17 but keep a close eye. Does he know she's 17?

I am not usually an interfering mother but, under eighteen, I’d be having a word with him not her!

So good move to invite him op! Will he come though?

Gross.

I had a 29 yr old male friend who was going out with a 17 yr old. They got married just after she turned 18 and before he turned 30 they had a long and happy marriage and two sons together. It does work sometimes, but I agree it doesn't look like a good fit initially, is/was he married and does he have kids and does he have a good job? If he's a delinquent dad layabout you may have more ammunition. All you can do is meet him and warn her about the problems with age differences if you come down too hard you may push them together. Hopefully your DD will figure it out.

Creep is underestimating the kind of man you are talking about.

Supports my opinion that the age of consent should depend on the other person. If I was making the law, for a 16 or 17 year old the other person would have to be 21 or under.

I mean, yes it is creepy as hell. What kind of man in his 30s pursues 17 year olds? At her age it will be hard to make her see sense but agree that meeting him is a good idea. Best case scenario is he runs scared rather than meet you.

Would it be possible to say to your daughter that you want to meet him, if they are getting serious, this is a normal expectation. You being embarrassing - your response when you have another chat is, you want an adult relationship, you speak to me as an adult, not a teenager who will throw a strop. I cannot stop you from making your own decisions, however my job as a parent is to keep you safe and to use my experience to try and guide you right. He is inviting you to stay at his because he wants to have sex with you. Does he plan nice dates, takes an interest in you and your dreams? Or is he just trying to get a shag? Are you ready for sex? You don't have to give me any answers, but think on them. And as an adult, have you both talked about what you want from this experience? Does he care about it being comfortable and nice for you too? Hopefully you'll plant a seed.

The reason I say this, I met my ex H when I was 20, he was 37. My parents didn't say anything, neither did my friends. I'm now divorced and free of the AH. I sometimes wonder what would of been different if anyone had said anything at the time.

I would be as horrified as you are but I don’t know what you can actually do, sadly. 😞

What I would tell my daughter: it’s always possible that a 32 year old and a 17 year old are in fact a perfect match. If they are, the 32 year old should want to slow down that relationship to a crawl and step back so the person they want to spend their life with can finish growing up first. If they don’t, it’s proof they are a creep and not really in love.

At minimum, I would tell my daughter there won’t be any overnights until she leaves for university. That has always been our family policy and it won’t change just because the boyfriend is 32 and doesn’t want to deal with teenage rules.

Ew. I am 31 and would consider him a massive nonce. Dating a child wtf is wrong with him.

Creepy as hell. I have no advice but my heart goes out to you.

I don't know how these grown men aren't embarrassed about having a teen girlfriend. An under 18 one at that. I'm embarrassed for them and creeped out. Sad sods.

Hopefully the 'relationship' won't last long, OP.

I have no idea if he is a father or what his relationship history is like. I really don't know much about him apart from what DD has told me, and some pictures. I found him on LinkedIn though. Seems to have a decent job but I couldn't help wondering what his company would think about his behavior.

Some really good suggestions and of course I'll keep talking to her. Right now she just seems blind and excited. He has been inviting her out and she feels like a grown up, when she in fact behaves quite the opposite.
It pisses me off but I'm trying to keep my calm so I don't push her into his arms.

I mean the age gap isnt ideal, however you will drive her away. Be the supportive parent and kill him with kindness. If your too hard on her she will leave to be with him l, keep her close.

Is his initials S.R ? If so, please message me

I think all you can do is keep talking. Try not to criticise as she’ll shut down. Does she have a dad who can point out that it’s only losers that go out with schoolgirls as adult men? The male perspective would surely be helpful here.

She is still under your roof so you can still forbid her to stay the night at his, though you’ll need to give her the reasons why you’re not comfortable.

Does he have a job?

Very sensible advice here.

Why do you think she will end up getting hurt? She might get bored of him in a few months.

Probably my worry knowing that it's her first boyfriend and I don't like the idea of any girl being influenced by someone much older.

This would really bother me too and I’m sure I’d struggle to keep my feelings to myself and not have words with him. But, my priority would be my dd and not driving her closer to him.
It’s not just the age gap it’s also the power imbalance in terms of life experiences, wealth, jobs etc that could lead to a relationship based on coercive control and manipulation

Are you sure he actually knows her age? Has she definitely told him the truth???
If so, eughh..

I would paint it as it's not the age (yeah, I know) but just too soon to stay over. Ask her to get to know him more first. Good move in meeting him though...

It's a huge age gap - especially when one of them is barely an adult.

However - does he know her age? Has she added a couple (or more years on?)

It is a bit icky - the best thing you can do is be present for her, don't try and ban her from seeing him and just wait it out. Hopefully their age related lifestyles will clash.