Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

[Tricera]

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

Good point. I'll make sure that I mention her age if he comes over for dinner just in case. I don't think she'd lie but better safe than sorry.

32 and dating a child! 🤢

Hes at a totally different life stage. I’d be going mad too. I think you just have to hope it fizzles out.

Id have to mention school a few times at dinner. Randomly get it in so he’s reminded he’s not dating an adult and she’s at 6th form etc if she is.

I bet he has knocked a few years off too. See if you want work out when he finished school / uni from LinkedIn.

Is your husband around? Not suggesting mum can't step in but dad jesting 'your about my age, Dave.. we should go to the pub/golf/footie" might reframe new boyfriend less like a cool grown up and more like shagging your dads middle aged mate.

Keep posting about them with lots of pics. Perhaps he has friends who might advice him not to be such a dickhead.

I'm 2 years older than him what on earth would I see in a 17 year old 🙈

When I was 20 I did briefly go out with a 30 year old. I was at university and he was divorced with a house. Massively different life stages. I didn't get hurt it just fizzled out because in the end i saw him for what he was a immature peter pan going after young girls because he didnt have the maturity for women his own age. I do look back now and think what a waste of time. Some lessons you just have to learn unfortunately.

Keep her close don't be negative but be interested. You want her close to you and confiding in you. Invite him over as many times as you can. Do you have a partner or is there more family that could also come over for a family dinner perhaps? What I've seen work well before is if "old" uncle Bob and cool new boyfriend have things in common suddenly they are less interesting. There will be films and culture your daughter just won't be old enough to know and he will. Delicately over time show up the differences. The worst case scenario is you know him well and have observed him/have kept them both close.

Eww, what a creep! Warn him off, it’s disgusting!

Is she still at school or even in 6th form ?many 17 year olds wont be
O0 all you can do is keep the lines of communiction open
Shes very young and is going to need you if it all goes wrong.

Trying to keep her away from him will just push her further into his arms, unfortunately.

Better to treat her as the adult she wants to be by taking her out for the day and calmly but very clearly, over a nice lunch in a restaurant she won't want to kick up a fuss in, point out to her that as her Mum it is literally your job to protect her and that by your age you've encountered a thousand older men who target and charm young girls and then go on to isolate, control and abuse them.

Yes, he could be different, but she needs to understand that all you're trying to do is make sure he isn't and, on the off chance he is a wrong 'un, let him know he picked the wrong girl.

Then, unfortunately, I think you need to sit back and let her give this a go.

But make it very clear you're there for her.

I may be the only bloke here. I read mumsnet occasionally as it is full of good sense on a wide range of things. This thread really does sadden me. In addition to the skin crawling "what kind of a bloke" thoughts it reminds me of a friend of my wife's. I 1st met this friend at a wedding and she'd brought her boyfriend. She was 22 and he was 62. He didn't leave their hotel room and I only saw a glimpse of him. In short he was only interested in one young person and the rest of us young people bored him. It didnt end well. Sadly the 22 year old continued to have many older boyfriends and has drifted out of our friendship group. As a man who has now grown up properly I cannot imagine having such a young girlfriend. I think back to my younger years and cannot really imagine wanting such a young girl. I mean, with no disrespect, seventeen year olds are not likely to have interesting opinions, great conversation or even much experience in life.
Age gaps do happen, and are probably less important as people themselves age. I don't think there is a silver bullet answer. I think just trying to be available for her when she realises that he is a monumental creep. If she is intent on being a teenager and rebelling in this way, then you are onto a loser by making a big fuss. I think it likely that she's having a great time seeing your reaction.

Sorry ladies. Some (ok, many) men are just beyond words.

They have to stay in some form of education until 18. College or 6th form etc or apprenticeship.

God what 22 year old wants to date a 60 year old too! Sounds like they were both mad.

An Education is basically a documentary. We get duped so easily at that age.

Yuck. I have nothing against age gaps when both parties are fully developed adults but a 32 year old pursuing a 17 year old is fucking gross.

Can you do a FOI request under Clare's Law to ascertain if there's anything worse that you (and your daughter) need to know about this man?

NC for this as very outing
I had a 34yo 'boy'friend when I was 17.

First boyfriend, first guy I slept with. With my own teenagers/young adults now, I feel sad that my parents seemed not to know about this situation, I kept it from them, but they might have been more curious.

He made me feel grown up and sophisticated, bought me chocolate cake. He was serial defowerer of teenagers, I later discovered, probably due to inadequacy of being able to maintain a relationship with anyone his own age. I feel sad this was my first sexual experience , while my friends were discovering sex together with boyfriends their own age. Makes me feel sad generally.

I think you're doing the right thing by staying open and talking. Encourage her to maintain social stuff with friends. Maybe think about making sure she has enough money if you can, anything to detract from his appeal.

She will come through it, hopefully sooner rather than later

I was 17, my gentleman 'friend's was 35, my father went to his house and said "I am old enough I don't care if I spend the rest of my life in prison. If I ever hear of you seeing or speaking to my daughter again, it will be the last thing you do." Calm, collected, apparently scary as heck 😳 it worked.
@2dogsandabudgie

She is in sixth form but knows what she wants to do and she has always been very diligent and maybe I have mistaken this for maturity.
Thanks for all the kind words, I will take the "kill them with kindness" approach.
Her father is not in the picture and hasn't been for the last 8 years. I could invite my brother but I don't want to make things awkward.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It's pretty much what I worry about , too. I hope that you are ok now.

Yes thankyou im very aware of that
Being in education doesnt always mean in a school.

When you meet him, try not to treat him as “creep who likes teens”, try to pitch it nearer “meeting someone new my own age”. Do very very boring adult small talk. Job moans, house/mortgage, commuting, housework, that sort of thing. It might stop you losing your cool (and being embarrassing ;) ) and if you’re lucky it might just plant the seed that this is more a boring old(er) man rather than a super cool experienced adult.

It used to be more common “I was 37 you were 17”. Heaven 17…

It sounds like it was more of a chance meeting - assuming the story is true!

A friends partner had a much older first boyfriend and seemed to have enjoyed herself so its not all bad.

Personally however while I would have enjoyed her company I would have 'made my excuses' if anything else was suggested

Why mention it then. It’s beyond the point. The fact is she’s school age

F

We went through very similar. Daughter was 17 he was ten/eleven years older and they worked together. It was COVID to si you couldn't go out. He was a complete creep. We played the long game. Tolerated him as we knew otherwise it would drive her away. It did to some extent but then he cheated on her and she saw sense but it was 2 years. He's still done some creepy things since but he's off the scene and she has a lovely boy her own age. I think had we gone in hard she would have stayed with him longer or worse. X

Agree.

Creep. Find someone your own age.