Struggling with my 17-year-old daughter's much older boyfriend

[Tricera]

Just a rant really as I'm still fuming about DD and her older boyfriend. Talking did not achieve anything and she is adamant that she wants to stay over at his place. I grudgingly suggested having him over for dinner first as it would make me more comfortable. Apparently I'm embarrassing, but she agreed.
The creep is 32, she is 17. They barely know each other. I can't see any way at all that this can end well for her without getting hurt, but she is being completely pig headed.
Will probably use this thread to let off steam at times because it seriously getting to me.

Good luck OP, it's him who should be nervous, not you. Let us know how it goes xx

When I was 18 I had a 25 year old boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend and I was still in sixth form, whilst he’d already lived with someone. In retrospect I was very inexperienced and naive. I shudder now as he was very controlling and I put up with that behaviour for far longer than I should have done. Part of that was because my mum created so much about him (probably for valid reasons) and I didn’t want to tell friends about his behaviour towards me. Fast forward 18 months and I had friends at university who made me see sense and I knew I had other options.

I really hope my teen daughter is never in the situation with a first boyfriend being so much older. I’ve always been open with her about my experience and I think she’s less likely to tolerate bad behaviour from a man than I was at the same age.

I think it’s right you meet him but I’d be very concerned about why a 32 year old would want a relationship with a 17 year old. I would certainly not be wanting her staying over at his place.

Well we are all here supporting you for tomorrow

I don't know how old you are but I'm sure you can find lots in common with him seeing how close you are in age... 😏

I'd have been mortified at 17 to realise my BF had loads in common with my Mum. 😂

Hope the meal goes well anyway.

OP you have done the right thing.

I think in situations like this, it never feels good doing the right thing. This i believe is because we want the best for the person we care about, we don't want to hurt them but you know there is a chance this could happen. Allow yourself to feel all those emotions because at the end of all the shit that may come up... No matter what happens or how she reactions you know you will always be there for you child.

Exactly mind your own business OP or you'll lose her.

Not really much you can do apart from watch closely. Similar thing happened to me in my early 20s twice! One relationship I came to realise I was totally used and out of my depth. 2nd one is and was the love of my life, Ionly wish I had been older so the gap was smaller.x̌⁰

A man in his 30s dating a 17 year old girl (as is the case in OP’s situation) is absolutely always a red flag. Always.

it's a long shot but could you show her this thread so she has a better idea of the general sensus when it comes to her pedo boyfriend?

Why is everyone suggesting a Claire’s Law? Thats for domestic abuse. It’s Sarah’s Law that is for sexual offences with minors.

Used to love this song. Makes me very uncomfortable as an adult

Contact the Police to request a ‘Claire’s Law’ disclosure.

NC for this like someone else.

I got involved with a 32 yr old when I was 16. I was depressed and had LSE (I know this now) and left home due to difficulties there that I couldn’t handle and moved in with him.

We only lasted a short time but I remained entangled with him for a few years and I remained involved because of a daughter he ended up having with someone else. (Think Eastenders/Jeremy Kyle type shit show!!)

Years later he was convicted for paedophile offences (some against said daughter). There were things that went on over the years that I could sense were not OK, but didn’t have the knowledge or courage that I do now.

It seems like your DD is working through some daddy issues type stuff. Hopefully her BF is just immature, but I would go with the kindness approach. It will likely fizzle out, she’ll either get the ick or the novelty will wear off, but you’ll be better able to support her when it ends, and/or notice stuff that concerns you about him - Friends close, enemies closer and all that.

Good luck!

Contact him on LinkedIn and ask him how many schoolgirls he has dated.
ETA . Give me his info and I will ask for you

Don't publicly shame him. This will only make him a victim in her eyes and more appealing. Although I can see the appeal.

I was thinking this @TwisterSpice

I would feel the same way as you I find this sort of age difference absolutely disgusting and no mentally stable or decent over 30 year old would date a 17 year old

I’d be absolutely horrified in your shoes. I know I probably wouldn’t react very well in your situation. I think you’ve absolutely done the right thing requesting a disclosure. I might also be inclined to be incredibly friendly until he’d lowered his guard and then say that the age gap was obviously the elephant in the room and ask how old his last girlfriend was and what was it he found he had in common with a 17 yr old.

If you manage to exercise more self control than I’d be able to, and she asks you what you think, tell her you’re just surprised she’s so willing to give up so much of her youth. Hopefully it will plant a seed.

Maybe it will work out. but I understand your concern. Try not to judge and push her away. My cousin met her husband when she was 16 and he was 46 so I’ve never judged big age differences. They had 4 children together. He already had 4, all older than my cousin. They stayed together until he died.
When I was 15, 40 years ago, i was in a friendship group with men of 26/27. We met in a pub and had a lot of fun. They used to take us out and about. I didn’t have any sexual encounters with them but two of my friends did. Both relationships fizzled out.
My mum called my school and the HoY talked to me. I told her to mind her own business and I was doing nothing wrong (apart from going to pubs at 15 but everyone did then). So I left home asap
when I was 16, I worked the season in Newquay (day after my last o level) and two of the men came to see us for two weeks. I always had a crush on one of these men but nothing physical ever happened.
We went our separate ways but I always stayed in touch with this guy Just FB.
I got married so did he. We met for a dog walk about five years ago.
We both became single about a year ago and are now in a relationship.
40 years later. I’m 55, he’s 66. My parents now accept and like him. My kids do too. Turns out that our 21 year old sons played for the same football team.
I adore this man and he is so so lovely to me. I’m so glad I met him. Albeit when I was 15.