Dd17 just attacked me…

[Totalmayhem]

Caught dd17 lying (again) this morning and told her that as a result I wasn’t going to take her for the hair cut we’d booked in. The result was her throwing a screaming fit and deciding to ‘runaway’. I followed behind her at a distance as we live very rurally and she was in a state so I was concerned. When she realised I was following she turned and attacked me - blows mainly to my body and verbal threats as to how was going to go for my face next. I stayed calm asking her to stop and asked her to come home to calm down. She kicked her sliders off in the kerfuffle and eventually came home (I assume not want to walk the very shitty roads barefoot). She stormed to her room and broke the door handle slamming it (it’s old and been dodgy for a while) so now can’t get out. I’m sitting outside her door so when she does want to emerge we can try fix it. But for now I’m
just sitting shell shocked. Dh had to pull her off me at one point. WTAF. I know she’s worried about going back to school - there’s loads of work she’s meant to have done but hasn’t. We’ve really been trying to support her but she just tells us to leave her alone or lies to say it’s done. She’s lonely I know - she makes friends easily but looses them fast. Where the hell do I go from here?!!

If you wanted to refuse lifts then you needed to say that you won’t run her to places for a week starting next Saturday or whatever to give her a chance to make alternative arrangements.
A haircut is a big deal to a teenager.

Easy to say in hindsight but but why didn’t you say I will take you to your haircut and we will discuss lying and your general behaviour en route and go out for a coffee afterwards and discuss your relationship with your siblings? Give her something to think about?

Love this approach.

My verdict: inconsistent parenting due to tricky temperament of dc. Some punishments are inappropriate (cancelling hair dresser) yet letting her greet her siblings friends after what happened is not ok. It sends a terrible message to the sibling and is very disrespectful to sibling's guests. Not blaming you Op it's not easy having a tricky young person in the house. Protect that rapport speak with her empathise but come down like a ton of bricks on the violence. Not by cancelling a hair dresser appointment though. You and your dh must show a united front and show how a line was crossed.

Whats your dh like with all these shenanigans?

Because if she's autistic (as OP suspects she is) then she is disabled. Autism is a social communication disability.

It's not that I see myself as disabled, it's that I am disabled. Autism is defined as a social communication disablity.

No. OP says she has discussed the possibility of autism with her daughter.

See her post at 18.22.

I'll wait for your apology

It doesn't matter what you would or wouldn't say - autism is legally defined as a disability.

She has been rewarded. She has seen that she isnt getting dealt with. The more you are saying about her, the more it is clear that she has gotten away with loads as she is performing academically. Youre scared of her. And she bullies you. Your other children dislike her.

Totally agree. She clearly needed space, and you followed her. It doesn't excuse the violence but you escalated.

My in-laws do this. They don't know when to leave things alone. Constantly in your face until you snap.

Quite a number of people have suggested the OPs daughter might have adhd or autism, or something like anxiety…. It’s clear to many of us that the OPs daughter is struggling and needs support more than more punishment.

I have no idea why you have decided to pick on @beaglescurleduplikebagels, along with weirdly demanding to know if she has children etc.

@beaglescurleduplikebagels - I’ve found all your responses insightful, and I’m it’s clear you’re genuinely offering advice to actually help the op and her daughter.

A suspicion of autism does not give you a get out of jail free card to violently attack your mother. What exactly is that suspicion based on anyway? Because I could just add easy blame the OP's parenting style and there's much more evidence of that being the cause of her behaviour.

So much crap on this thread about giving her support, space and god knows what else. OP is just as bad with forcing her sister to let her join her. She's behaving this way because she can clearly get away with it.

Yes, when she was a young child. OP's daughter has managed to control herself for around 8 years so should, theoretically, be able to control herself now.

That's not to say that she might not benefit from some support, but it doesn't sound as though she's so affected by a disability that violence is completely beyond her control.

Obviously this doesn't account for the potential of a new or worsening mental illness, but regardless, it needs to be taken seriously and not brushed under the carpet.

Thank you, I really appreciate it 🥰

Interestingly I have found that some people with adhd / autism or both sometimes have a tendency to follow others around and not understand when enough is enough and give them space. Maybe op herself has a problem reading social cues. When someone is frustrated and someone else keeps talking and talking t them, following them and going on it can be wildly infuriating.

I'll say one final thing. I am also a bit at the live reportage starting from right after OP' kerfuffle with her dd and the thread title is ratehr alarming and attention drawing. I am afraid I am getting puerile parenting vibes from OP.

The is not to judge, none of us are perfect and parenting teens is challenging. But OP could reflect on her own behaviour and try to be more consistent. I'd still love to know where the dad is in all this. Is he strict? Laisser faire? Head in the sand? It matters.

Battering her mum is unacceptable and of course needs consequences. Possible autism or not. You can’t go around assaulting people. She knows how to behave or wouldn’t be a prefect in school so absolutely knows that attacking people is criminal behaviour. OP absolutely needed to give her space. But I disagree hugely with telling eldest DD that she had to let her sister who had just assaulted her mum come out and hang round with her friends. That’s so unfair on eldest DD and her friends. They won’t want to come to eldest DDs house again if they’re expected to shoulder the burden of her sisters emotions.

What was she lying about initially? The impression i get from little you have posted that you don't give her enough space. You are too up on in her business.
You badger her about school work, but she is 17 years old now.It is her business not yours. Then punishing her by not taking jer for a haircut is absurd. You are parenting her as ig she is a little kid. You dont punish adults which she is all but. Then she tries to put some space between you and you chase after her. Now hou sre sitting outside her door evem after she has plainly told you thst she wants space and you STILL dont get it!!
Your behaviour would drive anyone insane!

ffs - mumsnet is a scary place.
Beating someone up is ok then? Understandable even.
It’s actually her fault for antagonising them. If only you’d just ‘let it go’ and not crowd them or box them in. It’s fight or flight you see. Not their fault. Your a nag, controlling, not giving them space. Age old excuses rolled out to excuse violence against women.
Jesus Christ

I think it’s far more likely that OP has been pandering and helicopter parenting her for years and that is why she behaves the way she does, rather than she has undiagnosed autism or ADHD. She seemingly knows to not assault people at her job and at school, so regardless of whether she does have autism or ADHD there is no excuse for her violently attacking her mum over a haircut.

I see a lot more red flags with OP’s parenting style than I do with her daughter being ND.

Nobody has said that her violence is ok, but it is understandable.
Surely common sense dictates when someone is clearly very wound up by you, and trying to get away from you/situation before they explode, why on earth would gou follow her

There isn’t a single person on here who has said her behaviour is okay