Dd17 just attacked me…

[Totalmayhem]

Caught dd17 lying (again) this morning and told her that as a result I wasn’t going to take her for the hair cut we’d booked in. The result was her throwing a screaming fit and deciding to ‘runaway’. I followed behind her at a distance as we live very rurally and she was in a state so I was concerned. When she realised I was following she turned and attacked me - blows mainly to my body and verbal threats as to how was going to go for my face next. I stayed calm asking her to stop and asked her to come home to calm down. She kicked her sliders off in the kerfuffle and eventually came home (I assume not want to walk the very shitty roads barefoot). She stormed to her room and broke the door handle slamming it (it’s old and been dodgy for a while) so now can’t get out. I’m sitting outside her door so when she does want to emerge we can try fix it. But for now I’m
just sitting shell shocked. Dh had to pull her off me at one point. WTAF. I know she’s worried about going back to school - there’s loads of work she’s meant to have done but hasn’t. We’ve really been trying to support her but she just tells us to leave her alone or lies to say it’s done. She’s lonely I know - she makes friends easily but looses them fast. Where the hell do I go from here?!!

She needs driving lessons though.

Do you think someone who flies into violent rages ought to be behind the wheel of a car?

And she doesn't need to drive. She can walk, cycle, take the bus, like her siblings do.

And how is that going to help ?
The child is distressed enough , the situation is bad enough , the mother is feeling terrible because she's been attacked by the child she probably loves very much and is very likely out of her mind with worry that her child is troubled enough to attack their own mother.
So calling the police may just be a final straw in breaking something that could very likely be fixed in time.

If this was a DS that had attacked you responses would have been very different. She's been violent once and basically gotten away with it so what's going to stop her doing it again?

Those blithely and naively advising 'call the police'...are you aware of the very real implications of this? It's not a case of calling the local bobby to come and have a word, it's a big bloody deal. Cautions don't ever leave your record (this started a couple of decades ago) and it would bar her from quite a few jobs - or if a job was willing to take her, it would be a huge source of embarrassment that she'd have to explain.

She definitely needs a fucking good kick up the backside, so to speak, but think carefully before involving the police because it could really blight her life and I think you'd regret it.

Taking the bus is something my autistic DD can't do. It's too noisy, smelly, crowded.

Ok, I get your point on the punishments. Please don’t assume that we don’t do absolutely everything we can to mitigate the difficulties she has. And at some point she has to realise how much she really does have though. I know the majority of mumsnet think living rurally must be hell but none of my kids, especially her, would have it any other way. They love the space, the animals and the activities that being here gives them. As said, the bus is available to get to both the local town and city. If they want to get somewhere different we always make a plan - lots of other rural families so we share lifts - most of us have 7 seaters and regularly have 6 teens on board having a blast. We’ve just come back from holiday where everyone made a huge effort to make sure she was involved & happy. Her life is not entirely shit - but it’s not as fun as it should be because she sabotages herself. (And no, I didn’t make food for her!).

Her life is not entirely shit - but it’s not as fun as it should be because she sabotages herself.

But if she's autistic (as you've discussed with her in the past) she is not sabotaging, she is struggling and needs help - not endless punishments.

I can’t imagine why she loses
friends fast.

I feel very sorry for your other children.

You seem incapable of enforcing any boundaries. Why haven't you phoned the police? She assaulted you. Are you going to wait until she attacks one of the younger children before you actually do something?

Autism isn't an excuse. Highly offensive to blame her behaviour on being autistic.

You are making this problem 10x worse. You've made never ending excuses for her on this thread. You sat outside her door waiting for her to be ready to talk? I'm sorry but this is absolute insanity.

She's violent and entitled, whatever you've been doing isn't working. You really need to pull the drawbridge up, she's actually beaten her mother up. What's next on her agenda?

That was both incredibly unfair on her sibling who undoubtedly was shaken by her actions and shouldn't be used as a tool to calm her down, and unhelpful. It gives the impression that her behaviour was acceptable... physically attack someone then return to a nice normal teen afternoon? How will that teach her the severity of what she's done?

In your shoes I would tell her that you need to have a very serious conversation and she's not welcome in the common areas of the house for anything other than showers and food until she's ready to talk. It may be that she's autistic, but if she's got to 17 without a violent outburst it shouldn't be impossible for her to control herself. Offer to help her find ways to cope with her emotions, including pursuing a diagnosis and professional support, but do not excuse the violence. If she is autistic that's more reason to be very clear on boundaries with her.

OP has said she was violent when she was younger as well, so this isn't entirely new.

She is getting multiple punishments because she battered her mother- which is a criminal offence.

She's perfect at school but she lashes out at home. OP don't you think it's time to get her assessed?

I think a different approach will likely help you all.

Hmmm, how would you feel if someone told you that you weren’t going to the hairdressers and then relentlessly pursued you about it?

It does sound like you are on her case a lot. Obviously not condoning her losing it with you but why were you and her siblings following her when she was trying to get away from you to cool down? What did you think she would say ‘Ok I understand why you cancelled my hairdressers and I won’t ever displease you again?’

What had she lied about in the first place? It sounds like you are piling on punishments but it’s not working. I have DC the same age and they can be really self centred & lazy so I do empathise but I also try and remember what it was like being that age when you crave some independence but someone else is in ‘control’ of your life.

Won’t you still have to pay for the hairdressers anyway if you cancelled late notice?

I know it's a criminal offence.

But the way to punish someone is not to pile on punishment after punishment, especially when the majority of the punishments are never going to realistically be enforced.

She needs punishing every day for as long as it takes to change her ways. She beat her fucking mother up.