Op obviously I am not defending violent behaviour ever, and she needs to apologise to you.
I don’t understand why you are linking having a haircut to behaviour like she was eight though? That is too controlling for a seventeen year old and not well thought out.
If you wanted to refuse lifts then you needed to say that you won’t run her to places for a week starting next Saturday or whatever to give her a chance to make alternative arrangements.
A haircut is a big deal to a teenager.
Easy to say in hindsight but but why didn’t you say I will take you to your haircut and we will discuss lying and your general behaviour en route and go out for a coffee afterwards and discuss your relationship with your siblings? Give her something to think about?
And when she tried to run away from you and she tried to literally put distance between you both, you followed her when she is seventeen? Your parenting techniques need to adapt now that she is older.
You effectively denied her the opportunity to calm down and when you are sitting outside her door you are continuing to do the same thing!
Give her space Op! She is unhappy and taking that unhappiness out on you.
She may try and control her siblings bc she feels she has too little autonomy herself.
If my DDs, including the one with ASD, were lying about school work aged seventeen then I would assume they didn’t feel comfortable to me talking about it,
I’d have backed off and said something along the lines that it’s your responsibility and you can come to me if you need support but you suffer the natural consequences if you don’t compete it on time? And maybe ask why they were having difficulty in that area and was it anything I could help with?
If dcs haven’t got the hang of independent study by aged fourteen or fifteen then there is probably something much more serious going on anyway.
Why come down hard on this anyway? It doesn’t sound like she is avoiding work for rebellious reasons if she is a prefect?
i cannot believe that people are suggesting that Op calls the police! What would that achieve in all honesty? If you could get them to come out for a dispute between a teen and their mum it would be a miracle in the first place. I am not dismissing what happened to you Op but you need to try and build on the remaining mutual trust between you now, not destroy it.
I think she should apologise and you should agree to give her space in future when she feels she needs it.
And obviously get your dd assessed and get get her some good psychotherapy support from someone she likes who has experience with adolescents. This is a phase and it will pass. Give it five years or so!
And if she is diagnosed with ASD or ADHD obviously that isn’t a phase but things can still improve and she can learn strategies that will help her to cope.
Good luck to you both 💐