Dd17 just attacked me…

[Totalmayhem]

Caught dd17 lying (again) this morning and told her that as a result I wasn’t going to take her for the hair cut we’d booked in. The result was her throwing a screaming fit and deciding to ‘runaway’. I followed behind her at a distance as we live very rurally and she was in a state so I was concerned. When she realised I was following she turned and attacked me - blows mainly to my body and verbal threats as to how was going to go for my face next. I stayed calm asking her to stop and asked her to come home to calm down. She kicked her sliders off in the kerfuffle and eventually came home (I assume not want to walk the very shitty roads barefoot). She stormed to her room and broke the door handle slamming it (it’s old and been dodgy for a while) so now can’t get out. I’m sitting outside her door so when she does want to emerge we can try fix it. But for now I’m
just sitting shell shocked. Dh had to pull her off me at one point. WTAF. I know she’s worried about going back to school - there’s loads of work she’s meant to have done but hasn’t. We’ve really been trying to support her but she just tells us to leave her alone or lies to say it’s done. She’s lonely I know - she makes friends easily but looses them fast. Where the hell do I go from here?!!

Yes, maybe she’s autistic - we’ve had the conversation before (with her) and chatted it through. Realistically though, other than being able to label the issue, I’m not sure what this will gain. She still needs to learn to live within the boundaries of a nt world.

She’s not a classic nightmare teen

No she's considerably worse.

OP, everything in your posts is screaming undiagnosed autism. I know it's a common "excuse" on here but I was your daughter 20+ years ago and everything you say is like reading about my own teenage years.

It would really, really be worthwhile doing some reading and having a look at how it can present in girls.

You followed her after she stormed off and are now camped outside her door.

You need to give her more space. I bet she feels suffocated.

You said in the op that you followed at a distance, but your younger children witnessed what happened? What triggered her to storm out? There's clearly a fair bit missing from the sequence of events.

As someone who wasn't diagnosed until 37, she will gain a HUGE amount of understanding about herself and how to manage her outbursts. She will also be able to ask for autism-friendly support via the GP and a therapist if necessary.

One of the worst things about being undiagnosed is not understanding why you don't react the same way as everyone else, feeling like an outsider and feeling like there's something wrong with you. And because you look "normal", people expect you to be normal. It's horrendous.

You’ve all been tip toeing around her for years though instead of addressing why she’s so difficult. She probably needed therapy a long time ago, trouble is she’s of an age now where you won’t be able to make her go. I feel sorry for your other kids.

We have the same door handles and once when ds was 12 he slammed it in temper and the same thing happened. I left him there (he had his phone), he had to message me to come and help fix it - and I made him say please! Has she got her phone? If so she will let you know when she wants to come out.

I get quite disappointed with posts like that.

My best friend is actually diagnosed as autistic, and she didn't spend her childhood teenagers being violent and smashing things up and assaulting her parents. Quite the contrary.

Treading softly by refusing last minute to take her to her hair appointment. Mmm hmmm.

Stop needling her tonight. Trying to get a remorse response this evening is a lost cause.

When you are calmer think about why you are ok with persisting with behaviour designed to provoke a reaction from your child. You are the adult.

I agree with this.

She does need help, but not just now. Let her stay in her room, till tomorrow if need be, she will be ready to fix the door when she is hungry or needs the loo.

It must be horrible for you and your family, and I seriously would be seeking help for her, hopefully with her agreement. Obviously now she has escalated into physical violence against you, action needs to be taken.

Good luck. x

Why are you involved in hairdressers appointments? she is 17 not 7.She needs to be showing you some respect ,she is nearly an adult.

Awful behaviour. I definitely think you need to give her space and not be right outside the door. I feel sorry for her siblings having to put up with being treated poorly and witnessing that. I know pps are saying maybe she’s autistic but honestly, that’s absolutely no reason to be assaulting you like that. I’m sure she knows right from wrong and clearly knows that’s unacceptable. Does she treat people in school like shit or just family?

So eldest sibling has just had some friends arrive. Dd messaged asking to fix the door and be allowed to join them. Eldest dc is not keen but I’ve asked them to let her join them for a chat - some normality will hopefully help further the calm. When we got the door open I said ‘you do understand we need to talk’ and she said ‘yes, but I really don’t want to talk now’. Eldest’s friends are the most truly lovely gentle people - and they have the patience of saints…

Why on earth have you said that eldest dd has to let her sister join her and her friends? Your poor eldest! Treated like shit by her sister, witnessed her sister attacked you and now informed that she has to let her sister spend time with friends that have specifically come to see her, not babysit an emotional and aggressive 17 year old. Why punish your eldest?

OP got violently attacked and you're victim blaming. Unbelievable.

I agree then they can signpost to relevant agencies

Oh - I’m involved in the hairdressers appointment because I have to get her there & back so it needs to be convenient for me - there is a bus stop she can walk/cycle to easily just under 2 miles away but she point blank refuses to use the bus so I need to be involved. (& yes, siblings both happily use the bus)

You can be as disappointed as you like - I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve with it other than making me feel like I'm somehow being disabled in the wrong way.

Every single person with autism is different and we all have different triggers and behave in different ways. Just because your friend managed to get through her teenage years without lashing out, doesn't mean those of us who did struggle are somehow bad or wrong.

We are disabled and a key part of that disability is struggling to communicate and understand our own emotions. OP's daughter tried to take herself away from the situation and was followed, and lashed out. Is it ideal? No, but it is very normal in autism. As an adult I can communicate my need for space and take myself off without being followed, but I have many memories as a teenager when I tried to take myself off into my room and was followed, which made me lash out even more as I was too overwhelmed to think straight.

Do you ever say no to this daughter? You have just rewarded her after what she has done to you. Look at your parenting and you will find the answer.

Why should your eldest daughter be encouraged to allow her sister to join in?
The girl is acting horribly; she doesn't deserve her siblings to be including her in their plans.
I would leave your other kids to make their own minds up....they need a break from her imo.

But she has other means to get to the hairdressers; she doesn't have to rely on her mother.