Dd17 just attacked me…

[Totalmayhem]

Caught dd17 lying (again) this morning and told her that as a result I wasn’t going to take her for the hair cut we’d booked in. The result was her throwing a screaming fit and deciding to ‘runaway’. I followed behind her at a distance as we live very rurally and she was in a state so I was concerned. When she realised I was following she turned and attacked me - blows mainly to my body and verbal threats as to how was going to go for my face next. I stayed calm asking her to stop and asked her to come home to calm down. She kicked her sliders off in the kerfuffle and eventually came home (I assume not want to walk the very shitty roads barefoot). She stormed to her room and broke the door handle slamming it (it’s old and been dodgy for a while) so now can’t get out. I’m sitting outside her door so when she does want to emerge we can try fix it. But for now I’m
just sitting shell shocked. Dh had to pull her off me at one point. WTAF. I know she’s worried about going back to school - there’s loads of work she’s meant to have done but hasn’t. We’ve really been trying to support her but she just tells us to leave her alone or lies to say it’s done. She’s lonely I know - she makes friends easily but looses them fast. Where the hell do I go from here?!!

So? You know one person with autism.

Aggression toward caregivers / parents absolutely can be an autism related symptom.

She needs assessing for any mental health or ND ailments OP. It's not a typical behaviour.
Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety anything really.
People who have ADHD have no bother making friends but do have trouble holding onto friendships. It may be nothing, it may be something but i'd get a GP appointment and have them refer you. 💐

Exactly, and sadly one that's massively under-reported as (understandably) parents are mortified to admit their child is aggressive and out of control, and most autistic adults don't want to open up about they behaved as teens either.

I haven't shown any kind of violence since my teens because I am now medicated, not dealing with puberty and have more understanding of my triggers. I also have the ability, as an adult, to ask for space and have that respected, which I didn't have as a kid.

So the correct response when she makes threats to break into someone’s home is to calmly tell her that you will call the police.

The whole family followed her, then you’re outside her door placating her and you wonder why she doesn’t give a shit about what she’s just done?

Stop pandering to and enabling her behaviour. It is impacting your other children. Does she ever have consequences, even as a younger teen/child?

FIRM boundaries and consequences. I don’t care if she’s almost an adult, she’s living under your roof and her behaviour is absolutely disgusting. I say that as a parent to an autistic child. Autism may be a reason but it’s absolutely not an excuse.

That’s absolutely mad. Why the hell should your child, presumably horrified by watching their sister violently attack you, have to spend time with her and have her dominate a friendly get together?! Stop rewarding the pain in the arse child while throwing the others under the bus to appease her. Dear god.

I cannot believe the easy time people are giving her. This was a sustained battering, and is part of an escalating pattern of violence.

I know you have chosen not to got to the police this time, OP, but I think it retrospect letting your abuser off will be demonstrated to you as a poor choice via black eyes and bruises.

There is absolutely no way I would let her get away with acting goody two shoes prefect at school, and she should know that you are entitled to share the truth of her actions with whomsoever you feel like.

I would lower the temperature right down and make a couple of things very clear.

1. Violent people don’t get to live in your house, especially whilst they refuse to engage with therapy.
2. Violent people face the consequences of their actions, and that includes criminal charges.
3. Look at how she chose to make everything worse with her disgusting temper. No hair cut. (No phone) and she needs to pay for having the door repaired.

I know you aren’t there yet but I think you should consider that this was deliberate.

I think you should give the girl some breathing space tbh
She lied about something, and the rest of it is you escalating a situation unnecessarily.

Give her some space to calm down? Stop following and trying to corner her into talking to you. No wonder theres been a back lash of some description, youre on her back all the time. Text her and say you’re ready to talk when she is but otherwise give her space.

Oh, she's being rewarded with assaulting you and destroying her bedroom door by being allowed to gate crash her older siblings gathering with her own friends

For god sake, sake, reign, your younger daughter in. I can see why she behaves the way she does - shes literally allowed to get away with assaulting you.

Your older daughter and her friends some peace away from her.

She didn’t stay with them long. She said hello and has come back in for food. It was a useful tool to get her out her room and into a better mental space to communicate. She’s absolutely NOT been rewarded - we have removed learner driver insurance (she can pay to have lessons herself) and removed her phone data allowance (again, she will have to pay her own) and there will be others. We will get some sort of anger management/ therapy sorted.

She is ABSOLUTELY ruling the roost. You need to step back and let her work things out. Everything you've done today has made things worse.

And eventually when she’s calm and rational enough to talk things through (which might be in a few days) explain that you'll report her to the police next time she attacks you. It’s totally unacceptable. However you also promise to give her space next time shes heightened and needing time away from you.

I really and genuinely don't condone her behaviour and I think therapy is the absolutely the right thing. But how are unrelated, punitive punishments going to help? She obviously feels pretty shitty about her life and you're just trying to make her feel more shitty. Refusing to take her to the hairdressers didn't improve things, you seem to be just escalating the punishments to make her feel even worse. I don't see how it will actually change her behaviour.

Where is your husband in all this?

I agree. I also think stopping driving lessons / insurance and limiting phone access seem oddly designed to curtail independence and to isolate her daughter, despite needing to give her lifts (eg to the hairdressers) being one complaint, and the daughter not maintaining friendships being a worry.

She needs driving lessons though. You chose to raise your kids rurally.

Why are you giving her multiple punishments?

You've already cancelled her hair appointment, then she lashed out and now you're proposing at least two more extreme consequences. If you take everything away from her, she will have nothing left to fight for.

The "relevant agencies " don't care. Been there done that. The school / college support and CAMHS still doesn't happen. Once they realise a parent has been chasing all along amd the child is no trouble in school then you're back on an eternal waiting list.

Exactly. All these punishments are just reactive and won't actually help solve anything.

She does have a job - she has a weekly shift in a pub.

This is what I think too

Op I don't like your punishments, they seem mean and controlling.

I don't think all the fault lies with your daughter here.

I would read How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk

And next time it she storms off, leave her to walk off her rage for goodness sake!