How do I face my family after this? How do I live with the shame?

[Pizzie]

Last year, I did something towards an extended family member that I am deeply ashamed of. There is no excuse for what I did and I have spent a long time regretting it and hurting her the way I did. It wasn't physical abuse from me but still. I eventually admitted what I done to the person involved and apologised sincerely.

My family, however, did not know the truth. At the time, I wasn't emotionally ready to tell them. I was working towards being honest with them in my own time, when I felt capable of having that conversation myself.

Unfortunately, someone who is an ex friend for more than a decade, identified me from online on a different site, found a vulnerable post I had written online while trying to work through the situation. This is someone with whom there has been a very long and painful history and someone I believe has remained extremely bitter towards me. Our falling out was different to the situation above. This person is just a drama queen and she can't cope with anything beyond herself and her own emotions and ego.
She identified me from the post, printed it, and sent it to members of my family.

So now the conversation I had been trying to prepare myself for has effectively been forced upon me.

What I am struggling with is the fact that I wanted to tell my family myself, after having time to process what I had done and find the courage to be honest.
Instead, someone else took something I had written when I was vulnerable and exposed it to them.

I am now facing a very difficult conversation with my family, and I am absolutely terrified.

I feel ashamed, overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

I suppose what I am looking for is some perspective from people who have had to admit something they deeply regret to their family. How did you find the courage to have that conversation? How did you cope with the shame afterwards?

I know I cannot undo what I did. I just want to find a way through this honestly and hopefully eventually find some peace.

If what you said was that bad and you feel the need to explain your actions to your family, then do so. However, don't let it get out of proportion.

Realise it's not the point of your post, but I'd be very tempted to report your ex-friend to the police for malicious communication, or something like that.

No need to put the poster down. They're trying to fix what they did, and that's a good thing. Let's now try to help with what we have. That's the best thing here. And yes, I agree, the best thing is to own up, not justify, simply apologise honestly and face the music. At some point, everybody screws up, whether small or large. You shouldn't be shamed for trying to make amends. You've got this :)

It's not going to get any easier the longer you leave it. The best time to tell them was straight away; the second best time, of course, is now. you may find this enemy of yours has actually done you a favor by forcing your hand.

With your family

• be honest
• give a full explanation, but don't make excuses
• make your shame and regret clear to them
• be ready for it to take a while before you earn back their trust and respect. Don't hope for instant understanding and forgiveness.

Extended family member. I doubt she sent abusive electronic communications to an elderly aunt or something.

If the person who wrote about it and knows then I wouldn't actually do anything further - if they wanted people to know they would've said.... Why mess with them further by dragging it all out again?

You caused the pain, so you own it.

Well it could be an aunt. I'm only 2 years older than my nephew. Some people are younger than their aunt or uncle.

Am I getting this right.

Cousin upset you
You sent them a nasty message where you called them something unpleasant
You wrote about it on a forum - let's say Reddit
You apologised to cousin
An ex friend recognised you from your post and has shared this information with your wider family

If that's the long and short of it, there does seem to be a lot of drama and angst over not very much?

You apologised to cousin
You are regretful
The end?

Deep down do you honestly think you were ever going to tell them. And you are more upset they actually found out. As if you are truly sorry for what you did you would have admitted it straight away.

Would you have owned up if that person weren't forcing your hand?

Why did this person feel the post could still be used against you? Why did you feel the need to write that post after your apology was accepted in the first place?

Why didn't it come out at the time?

yes this is a good point. Why did you insult this person, op? can you share?

(did I get that right? that you insulted someone? because really I can't imagine an insult so dark that it warrants such fanfare... it sounds like you might actually just have a lot of drama people in your life and you think this level of conflict is typical. It really isn't.)

I wrote something awful to a distant family member. It was last year. I owned up to it a few months later and apologized.

My immediate family knew of the drama last year but they never knew it was me nor did I tell them that I confessed.

I was working through this and getting ready to talk to my family to let them know of what I did last year.

But a disgruntled ex friend found what I wrote and exposed me before I could tell them.

I'm not saying what op done was right. Op knows it wasn't But op has already apologised to the family member. Family member decided to cut contact. I can't see how its anything to do with other people. If the relative had wanted to tell ither family members they would have. There was no reason for the ex friend to bring it up. Apart from cause hurt and upset which won't just cause op upset it will cause upset to the whole family.

Own it

say yes you did it. You regret it. You apologised ages ago to the person tho they now don’t speak to you - which you understand why

it won’t happen again. You are so sorry you hurt this person and have learnt a lesson

I could pm you and tell you but I would rather not.

I was going through a lot of difficulties that I am not willing to share here or even to my family and it came out the wrong way to a distant family member who did annoy me.but I realize it was so very very very wrong of me.

Why did you do it OP?

Your family should love you, and oversee this episode. We can't be defined for the rest of our lives by one mistake or fault.

Go easy on yourself Op. All you can do is reach out to your family. If they are open to you, great. If they're not, don't take it personally. You deserve better...even from.family.

And reject/ignore this toxic ex friend. Don't even react to her.

Did you delete it ASAP or leave it up? I assume it causes a furore or further action?

How did your ex friend get your family members’ addresses?

what have your family said to you?

Why did you do it?

Don’t be goaded into giving out details to strangers on the Internet. It won’t help people tell you what to do, it will give them ammunition to attack you with and thread will become even more of a beat down on you.

So just explain that to your family.🤷‍♀️

Better it comes from you @Pizzie.

Yes agee. Don't pm anyone op.

The most difficult part is starting the conversation. The longer you leave it the harder it is.

That said you are coming off very badly. For some reason you have done something nasty to a relative, totally unprovoked and for no other reason than you were feeling shitty yourself.

Your messages here are all about you and your emotions. You seem to have zero empathy for your relative, just how you're being made to face up to what you did before you're "ready".

If you posted about it online (presumably anonymously) can you not just deny it?

It wasn't unprovoked. Op said this family member had annoyed her. I am not saying this makes it right, but there did appear to be a reason for it. She was also in a very bad place. And she has since apologised.