How do I face my family after this? How do I live with the shame?

[Pizzie]

Last year, I did something towards an extended family member that I am deeply ashamed of. There is no excuse for what I did and I have spent a long time regretting it and hurting her the way I did. It wasn't physical abuse from me but still. I eventually admitted what I done to the person involved and apologised sincerely.

My family, however, did not know the truth. At the time, I wasn't emotionally ready to tell them. I was working towards being honest with them in my own time, when I felt capable of having that conversation myself.

Unfortunately, someone who is an ex friend for more than a decade, identified me from online on a different site, found a vulnerable post I had written online while trying to work through the situation. This is someone with whom there has been a very long and painful history and someone I believe has remained extremely bitter towards me. Our falling out was different to the situation above. This person is just a drama queen and she can't cope with anything beyond herself and her own emotions and ego.
She identified me from the post, printed it, and sent it to members of my family.

So now the conversation I had been trying to prepare myself for has effectively been forced upon me.

What I am struggling with is the fact that I wanted to tell my family myself, after having time to process what I had done and find the courage to be honest.
Instead, someone else took something I had written when I was vulnerable and exposed it to them.

I am now facing a very difficult conversation with my family, and I am absolutely terrified.

I feel ashamed, overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

I suppose what I am looking for is some perspective from people who have had to admit something they deeply regret to their family. How did you find the courage to have that conversation? How did you cope with the shame afterwards?

I know I cannot undo what I did. I just want to find a way through this honestly and hopefully eventually find some peace.

Do stupid things, win stupid prizes. Karma op.

It really does depend on the details.

you have had a year to have the conversation, why hadn’t you had it up to now?

You own it, you accept it, you apologise . No excuses or bullshit. If you’re honest and real, it will eventually blow over.

If you were going to tell them you would have. All of this building up the courage, being emotionally drained is just bull, you had no intention of owning up.
Youve done what you’ve done, it’s now time to face the music.
It doesn’t sound like the person who dobbed you in is the only drama queen here

Ok so you apologised to the person. They have cut contact. Is it a possibility your family could already know? How long ago did it happen?

OP, even if the insult was the darkest and most deranged thing anyone has ever said, literally all you can do is apologise to that person, offer to help with their healing journey, and accept it if they want nothing at all to do with you.
With the rest of your family, I think you have to own it, but ultimately it is between you and the person you insulted. There is surely a reason you said something awful to them and that is between the two of you too.
It isn't really anyone else business and if they want to make it a problem, you'll have to take it on the chin, but we've all said things in hurt/anger that we wish we could take back. You're not the first, you won't be the last, and I hope you are not being too unbearably hard on yourself or tolerating a kicking from anyone else who is not actually involved in the original exchange.

Ah well, it's out now @Pizzie. All you can do now is be totally honest with your family.

@Pizzie well do not write stuff that you want to keep private on the internet then

How do you know that the person you apologised to wasn’t going to tell your family anyway?

You sent an insult?????
wtf am I reading here????

what exactly did you say?

just say sorry

The best thing you can do is admit what you did, say how deeply you regret it, how ashamed you are.
And do not try to make excuses.

Why did you send it? It can't have been completely out of the blue.

Your family don't own you. They aren't in charge of you. Just calm yourself.

Did you wish her dead? If so, not great, but hardly the crime of the century. It's between you and her and absolutely no need to involve anyone else. Apologise to her and leave it there. You can't make her accept the apology. You are going way over the top. Are you always this dramatic?

People make mistakes. That’s being human. Honestly this little ditty that is dragged out on mumsnet on a fairly regular basis is pretty boring now.

its hard to k ow how to advise you op. However, your family love you, but you have to own up and be truthful and open

It very much depends on circumstances; how old are you? How vulnerable was the other person? Were you friends? Are they part of your family? What was the essence if the insult?

Think you just have to leave it behind you and move on. You’ve apologised to her. Unless anyone else deserves an apology, just keep out of her way, try and be a better version of yourself from now but don’t overly dwell on it.

You need to say generally what you did. For example
did you say “you are an evil cunt and I hope you get run over” and if so, what provoked it?

it really does depend.

fwiw I would side with my adult dc if they sent a message like that to someone who’d really upset them

@Pizzie do you have anxiety?

Are you an adult?

I don’t think it does matter what you did really. You still need to deal with it the same way.

What might make a difference is if there’s been any fall out on them from your actions- if the relative you wronged won’t speak to them or won’t come to family get togethers if you’re there, for instance.

if there’s no fall out on them then you aren’t really apologising to your family, other than in a roundabout way for disappointing them/not being the sort of person they thought you were. You can be clear that you’ve told the relative and apologised and that the relative now wants nothing to do with you which you (I hope) accept and understand though are obviously sad about. Tell them you realize it was an awful thing to do and if you’ve worked out why you did it, then tell them and let them know you’re working on/have addressed it so you won’t ever be doing that type of thing again.

If there is fallout you need to apologize for that and, if possible, make up for it. Along with the rest. Also, if they dealt with fallout apologise for not telling them before someone else did. If it hasn’t been that long I’d leave it at that, but if it’s been months then explain you were scared and trying to work up the courage because you know it’s so bad.

Don’t fall into any tales of self pity.

Has your family been in contact with you since they found out? If so, just respond to them. Don’t let this linger any longer. The cowardice just compounds things.

If not, call up/go see the person you’re closest to who is likely to be the least critical/most understanding. Just bite the bullet “Hi DM/DB/who ever. Can we talk about that letter [ex friend] sent you all…”

Get it done, you will be a lot less stressed once you know what their reaction is and you can deal with it.

It doesn’t matter what @Pizzie did and maybe if she did say what she did it would put her and cause further offence.

You need to speak to your family, chose the most diplomatic member of there is one, not the most sensationalist. Explain yourself, maybe take some advice on the way forward.

The person you have offended has cut all contact but it doesn’t seem they have spoken to the rest of the family. Have the family approached you since you being outed?

So you sent a family a poison pen letter essentially? Did you threaten them in it?

And why? Whats was your motivation?

Depends on the insult doesnt it?
Was it racist? Mysogonistic? Homaphobic?
How insulting?
There are many many levels of insults.

I don’t understand how the person you insulted knows it was you because you apologised but yet you don’t think they told the rest of your family?

You sent a dark text, you haven’t killed anyone. They’ll probably be more pissed off that your crazy ex friend is sending them weird shit.

As for how to deal with it, when you see them own up to it and say how mortified you are and that you apologised and tried to make it right at the time. You might get a telling off, but you should just take it like a grown woman.