How do I face my family after this? How do I live with the shame?

[Pizzie]

Last year, I did something towards an extended family member that I am deeply ashamed of. There is no excuse for what I did and I have spent a long time regretting it and hurting her the way I did. It wasn't physical abuse from me but still. I eventually admitted what I done to the person involved and apologised sincerely.

My family, however, did not know the truth. At the time, I wasn't emotionally ready to tell them. I was working towards being honest with them in my own time, when I felt capable of having that conversation myself.

Unfortunately, someone who is an ex friend for more than a decade, identified me from online on a different site, found a vulnerable post I had written online while trying to work through the situation. This is someone with whom there has been a very long and painful history and someone I believe has remained extremely bitter towards me. Our falling out was different to the situation above. This person is just a drama queen and she can't cope with anything beyond herself and her own emotions and ego.
She identified me from the post, printed it, and sent it to members of my family.

So now the conversation I had been trying to prepare myself for has effectively been forced upon me.

What I am struggling with is the fact that I wanted to tell my family myself, after having time to process what I had done and find the courage to be honest.
Instead, someone else took something I had written when I was vulnerable and exposed it to them.

I am now facing a very difficult conversation with my family, and I am absolutely terrified.

I feel ashamed, overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

I suppose what I am looking for is some perspective from people who have had to admit something they deeply regret to their family. How did you find the courage to have that conversation? How did you cope with the shame afterwards?

I know I cannot undo what I did. I just want to find a way through this honestly and hopefully eventually find some peace.

Is there any chance that you are over thinking this? its hard to say without knowing exactly what you did and the context - you don't have to explain anything here, but was there a trigger or some kind of context that explains why you insulted your cousin? and how on earth would an ex-friend be able to identify this? Is counselling a possibility or even a call to the samaritians?

If it was last year, @Pizzie , then it's taken you at least 8 months, possibly over a year to get to a point where you could tell your family. Did you really intend to tell your family?

At this stage, it's probably best to say "I think Donna is going to tell you anyway, but I wanted to tell you that I did x.'

Wait to see if anyone raises it, no one’s going to want you to sit them down and make a big scene about how you’ve been a massive cow to someone. That’s just overly self indulgent and it’s to make you feel better.

I received an anonymous and cruel message a few years ago. I managed to find out that the sender was a family member. So I emailed all the other family members telling them exactly what she had done, and I CCed her in. I imagine she would have been utterly mortified when she saw my email. That was a consequence of her actions, and your current discomfort is a consequence of yours.

I do feel for you, Pizzle, but there's nothing you can do now.

You've learned from this experience and won't do anything like it again.
Just live your life and try to grow in integrity. This matter will soon fade into the background. You will always feel a pang and that is right and good, it's your conscience, but you must learn to compartmentalise it so you can live your life.

She identified me from the post, printed it, and sent it to members of my family.

And this is why asking on social media is not the answer.

Ask your tried and trusted friends instead.

Family or not some actions are unjustifiable.
I wouldn't mind holding a grudge or ousting another member of the family, if it meant peace and quiet for the rest, depending on the severity of their action.
Op, although you seem regretful, i think you haven't learnt anything from this, or processed the facts yet. I think given the length of time ( more than an year), and the way it was revealed, (via a third party), you were actually planning to conceal it for longer.
If that's the case, sorry no absolution.

Just say you were having a mental health episode and was not in your right mind.

No, you got that wrong.

I owned it to the person I wronged last year and apologized.

It's just my imediate family wasn't aware of it but I was getting ready to talk to them and tell them.

Then a third party, the disgruntled ex friend found my post online and exposed me. This is someone, we fell out over a decade ago and she has never learned to live with the friendship breaking down. She called it quits on the relationship but it appears as of she wanted me to run after her which I never did. She have never left me alone since then. There has been years of stalking and revenges and punishments and shaming and name calling and insults from her. I ignored everything from her because but I wasn't able to repair this relstionship. The situation I had above with my family, it had nothing to do with her.

If the other person cut contact, you've already been punished?
What has sending an insult a year ago got to do with the family now?

Best thing, own up, tell them you were ashamed, shouldn't have done it, apologised then move on. You cannot control how your family will react, all you can do is say sorry.

Yes, or a kind non-judgemental counselor. Don't ask for advice online for matters like this. People could really mess with your head.

Someone else's opinion of you doesn't mean shit. You deal with your own conscience, and please forgive yourself. WE ALL DO THINGS WE REGRET. That's life. No one can judge you Op as they haven't walked in your shoes.

Try grow stronger in yourself.

The shame will only increase by avoiding it. You confess. You acknowledge there is obviously something very wrong with someone who engaged in this sort of behaviour and that you are seeking help to address the problems that made you do it in the first place. You understand that people may not be able to look past this and you accept that, but you intend to do everything you can to rebuild people’s trust in you as a person. Then you do it. While quietly copping to whatever consequences come about from the fall out.

The cat's out of the bag now @Pizzie. It was always going to happen. You said so yourself.🤷‍♀️

It's up to you to deal with.

Stop wanging on about how and deal with it. Honestly. Like the adult you are.

Do you have to tell them? You seem to keep a lot from them based on your comments on this thread and sounds like you have enough enemies without making more. If the person you wronged isn’t going to say anything, and they haven’t so far, why say anything at all? All they have received so far is some unsubstantiated allegations from someone with a massive axe to grind.

Just message or speak to them asap to get it over with.

say what you've said here … I was so stupid to have said what I said and deeply regret my behaviour. I have apologized to distant relative and take responsibility for damaging our relationship. I’ve been dreading telling you all but despite the shame I feel, theres some relief that it’s out in the open.

@Pizzie are you 100% they know. The ex friend could just be saying they have told your family but hasn't

"She identified me from the post, printed it, and sent it to members of my family."

So your family already knows? If they already know, what is left to tell? Have any of your family members confronted you? Are they still talking to you? Is there any action item here?

Why do you need to tell your family? It sounds like you’ve done as much as you can with the person you initially wronged.

It sounds as if you weren't really planning to reveal anything to your family and are more angry with the 'bitter' individual than you are truly remorseful.

You have insulted this other individual online, and questioned their motives in revealing your identity, behind the mask of anonymity. There's a pattern here.

I think she came on to her.

Well on the bright side something you were having trouble confessing to is now out in the open so you no longer have it festering inside of you. Now it's just up to you and your family to deal with between you. Don't mention the person who spilled on you. That just sounds like deflecting. Apologize and hopefully you can all move on.

Is this a frog you need to swallow at all? If anyone asks you directly, you could explain your actions and regret.

But if they don't ask you, why not leave it well alone?

So if you are fine with your response to the family member you offended and they accepted your apology, you should have no problem with the rest of the family.
It looks like you aren't.
Why do you need to insist this was a "disgruntled" friend? And from 10 years ago. They would have let go by now. Why come back and bite you? Sounds like a lot of drama already.

Anyway, only you know the nature of your relationships with your family and friends and the way you acted as you don't want to give more details. In the end you have to live with them.

I truly feel for you, OP. It sounds like you haven't done anything that terrible, certainly nothing to feel this level of shame about. You made a mistake - It's time to forgive yourself. 💐
The ex-friend is the one acting out of malice. That is far more problematic behaviour

Honestly if it were my sister who I know to be a fundamentally decent person I would say “what were you thinking, were you feeling ok?”. Then think no owrse of her. People aren’t perfect and everyones done something they are ashamed of. I think you are overthinking this, you are letting yourself get extremely anxious. You can’t control it’s out if the bag and you can’t go back and undo it. Just own it, you did something mean and you are sorry and you apologised to the victim.