How do I face my family after this? How do I live with the shame?

[Pizzie]

Last year, I did something towards an extended family member that I am deeply ashamed of. There is no excuse for what I did and I have spent a long time regretting it and hurting her the way I did. It wasn't physical abuse from me but still. I eventually admitted what I done to the person involved and apologised sincerely.

My family, however, did not know the truth. At the time, I wasn't emotionally ready to tell them. I was working towards being honest with them in my own time, when I felt capable of having that conversation myself.

Unfortunately, someone who is an ex friend for more than a decade, identified me from online on a different site, found a vulnerable post I had written online while trying to work through the situation. This is someone with whom there has been a very long and painful history and someone I believe has remained extremely bitter towards me. Our falling out was different to the situation above. This person is just a drama queen and she can't cope with anything beyond herself and her own emotions and ego.
She identified me from the post, printed it, and sent it to members of my family.

So now the conversation I had been trying to prepare myself for has effectively been forced upon me.

What I am struggling with is the fact that I wanted to tell my family myself, after having time to process what I had done and find the courage to be honest.
Instead, someone else took something I had written when I was vulnerable and exposed it to them.

I am now facing a very difficult conversation with my family, and I am absolutely terrified.

I feel ashamed, overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

I suppose what I am looking for is some perspective from people who have had to admit something they deeply regret to their family. How did you find the courage to have that conversation? How did you cope with the shame afterwards?

I know I cannot undo what I did. I just want to find a way through this honestly and hopefully eventually find some peace.

I think you need to prepare yourself for what might happen. It sounds like a situation where people will take sides.
Depending on how close the relationship is, could you tell maybe your parents first ( or siblings) and ask for their help?

As a pp said, you have learned nothing from using the internet to needlessly hurt someone, or you wouldn't be using the internet to wiffle on to randoms about something they know nothing about and can give no sensible answer to.

Far more interesting threads in the litter tray, bye.

I'm also thinking this. Op seems to collect enemies. She's been found out, not sure that she yet understands her own behaviour.

I think the best way to deal with this OP is to grab the bull by the horns, and either get the necessary people together in one place, jump right in and tell them how sorry you are, etc., expect anger or chastisement, but just stand and take it, DON'T try to defend your actions, as that's like saying 'Sorry', 'not sorry'!

OR

Could you write the person/people concerned a letter or email, detailing what you did, apologising for taking so long to admit to it, and maybe end by saying you understand if they can't forgive you. Again, do NOT try to justify what you did, as that really doesn't work. Plead guilty, say everything that you need to say, and then hope that the person/people, will forgive you given time.

Unfortunately, when we do stupid things, we have to accept that we may never be forgiven for them, which is a hard thing to bear, but a huge lesson in life.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Yes, I understand that - but pretending that it wasn't the OP in the online posts (and therefore not the OP who insulted the relative - as I assume the posts reference this) risks being exposed as a double layered liar if the original relative ever discloses what happened about the original letter.

No one will ever trust the OP ever again.

So did you change the facts? Make stuff up? If you only posted the truth, why are you ashamed?

You just need to confront this all head on and front this out.

Be completely open and say ' I fucked up and I am really very sorry'.

Own it, own up to it, take complete responsibility for it, offer to make amends if there is a way to do so.

Then, give yourself a break.

Everyone fucks up at least once in their life.

What's done is done. Once you've owned up to it all and apologised/tried to put things right, draw a line and leave it behind.

If anyone else keeps harping on about it that's their problem.

You can't spend the rest of your days feeling bad for one mistake.

I will need to sit down with my family and talk to them and tell them. I wonder what's the best way to do that? Will I do it ASAP or will I wait for a few days or find a time mid week where we are not as busy and there's a gap in my schedule. I am currently stuck in work until Monday evening and not able to get away.

Cousin? The OP hasn't mentioned her cousin.

Don't let your righteous judginess obscure the facts.

Why so much formal drama needed?

I think that if a person we love does something awful and out of character, our main preoccupation tends to be with why.
I think you should face your family ready to explain and to answer their questions. Try not to say "I don't know why I did it". Think hard in advance what you were feeling, what was going on at the time (without sounding like excuses) and tell them. Then tell them what you've learned and how they can be sure it's a one off that you deeply regret.
You will want them to be understanding, so you need to help them understand.

if you hadn’t been caught out - you’d have never admitted it and that poor relative would have wondered who on earth has sent the message. That in its self can be very frightening.

People only do poison pen stuff when they are disturbed and feeling vindictive. They want to hurt the person yet hid in the shadows. The person might not even have done anything that bad - as you’ve said.

I’ve got a feeling you may have even asked this person not to say anything until you were ready. Is this true? If you did - then you were still manipulating the situation.

You are not the victim here - the other person is.

You still hadn’t admitted what you’d done even though the real victim had the good grace to keep their mouths shut to protect you.

Cant you see - you’re still centering yourself. it’s your ego - not your ex friends that’s the problem. You admit that what you sent was dark but you don’t agree with the time line of when you should admit it.

Grow a spine and face the music

MN is not confidential and it’s easier to be identified in real life than most people imagine. You have probably learned from your last experience not to share further details of exactly what you did.
I agree with the people saying that the best thing to do is take the bull by the horns, admit you were wrong, don’t justify yourself or make excuses and apologise.
You can control your own honesty but you can’t control other people’s reactions, you can only hope for not too bad an outcome.
The best amends is to do better in future.
If anyone responds in an angry or dramatic fashion try to keep calm and say that you know you were in the wrong and you really regret your actions.

On the face of it you seem to be over thinking this. Someone was annoying you so you anonymously posted about it online? Was it on something like MN to get other opinions/have a vent? I can't imagine what you could have said that was bad enough for you to feel such shame and be worried about talking to your family.

It must be something pretty horrendous for someone to share it with your family. It's all cloak and dagger, just say what you said then people can give real advice.

I'm not following your reasoning sorry. If you were in a bad way why pick on this relative to be horrible to? It doesn't make sense.

Honestly I would just say I know you have read what I written online, then tell them what you did and say what you've said here; you did it because xyz, you were going through it at the time, you know it isn't an excuse and you realise that now and are deeply, deeply sorry. That you have already apologised to X person, and you fell really ashamed. They will likely have a bit of time to process then forgive you. It's not like you killed anybody or had an affair, etc.

What you did sounds nasty and uncalled for, but you obviously know that now. If a family member admitted this to me, I would forgive them after processing it as family is family at the end of the day. You are human, we mess up. So what. Like I said, not like you did anything major. Was fully expecting that you shagged someone's husband or something tbh. Don't sweat it, it'll be okay

I wrote something I shouldn't have done years ago and have not been forgiven. It is very hard and heartbreaking but life goes on and you must forgive yourself. Do your best to ask for forgiveness and apologise, and live the best you can. That is all you can do.

The lesson here is to journal privately on a computer and save file with password. You cannot expect to post something of such significance on the internet and keep something secret. That is entirely your fault, no use blaming the 'spreader'. Now it's happened just hold your head up high and if confronted have a brief prepared set of words to say, possibly along lines of 'I acknowledge that I did X, and that it hurt Y. I deeply regret it. I have apologised to her, but I cannot change what I did much as I wish I could. I am not prepared to discuss it further.' Then walk away if necessary.

The person who was actually wronged could have just as easily shares their own
experience with the family. How this information came to light is irrelevant.

what do you say to your family? I have no idea. They were not the people you hurt. The context of speaking to them now is unclear. Are you hoping to apologize? Do you want to explain what life perspective you have gained in the intervening time? What exactly is it that you think they need to know?

You do it now before being stuck in the same house.

You've had nearly a year to deal with what you did @Pizzie. It would be unfair of you not to come clean now and give those you love one single day to work out what this means for them.

Maybe they won't give a shit and you've been worried all this time for nothing.🤷‍♀️

My thoughts exactly. Some people seem to love the drama. I love my quiet life personally, keeping drama to a minimum. This all seems so immature from everyone involved.

Just remember that your family love you and will try to find a way to make sense of this, be as honest as you possible so they can see how you felt at the time and how sorry you are. It'll be ok and be kind to yourself as much as you can be.

Yes, I’m not sure I understand why there needs to be some kind of formal mass apology. The OP explained and apologised to the person concerned.

Impossible to say with this vague post