How do I face my family after this? How do I live with the shame?

[Pizzie]

Last year, I did something towards an extended family member that I am deeply ashamed of. There is no excuse for what I did and I have spent a long time regretting it and hurting her the way I did. It wasn't physical abuse from me but still. I eventually admitted what I done to the person involved and apologised sincerely.

My family, however, did not know the truth. At the time, I wasn't emotionally ready to tell them. I was working towards being honest with them in my own time, when I felt capable of having that conversation myself.

Unfortunately, someone who is an ex friend for more than a decade, identified me from online on a different site, found a vulnerable post I had written online while trying to work through the situation. This is someone with whom there has been a very long and painful history and someone I believe has remained extremely bitter towards me. Our falling out was different to the situation above. This person is just a drama queen and she can't cope with anything beyond herself and her own emotions and ego.
She identified me from the post, printed it, and sent it to members of my family.

So now the conversation I had been trying to prepare myself for has effectively been forced upon me.

What I am struggling with is the fact that I wanted to tell my family myself, after having time to process what I had done and find the courage to be honest.
Instead, someone else took something I had written when I was vulnerable and exposed it to them.

I am now facing a very difficult conversation with my family, and I am absolutely terrified.

I feel ashamed, overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

I suppose what I am looking for is some perspective from people who have had to admit something they deeply regret to their family. How did you find the courage to have that conversation? How did you cope with the shame afterwards?

I know I cannot undo what I did. I just want to find a way through this honestly and hopefully eventually find some peace.

@Pizzie So your family already know it was you because ex-friend told them? In that case tell them from your own mouth because they already know it was you so you’re not concealing anything by staying quiet.

It will also be a weight off you. Imagine if you had come clean to your family a year ago, you wouldn’t be on here now still fretting about it.

Very sorry, and I'm so very sorry. Make amends if possible and you have clearly regretted your actions. But explain you wanted to apologise but this virtuous person, the ex supposed mate, who is without fault, (unlikely) beat you to it. Rise above.

Somebody once told me after something I did not connected to your situation that anything writen a specially online or emails can be always used against you. The best way is to just to talk to somebody f2f never use internet. Now I'm careful with text messages emails and online.

Open honestly and sincerity is the only way x

In the other thread, the OP says her relative confronted her, and she denied it. Later, she contacted the relative and confessed. It sounds as though she only came clean because she got caught.

The Op is clearly a very messed up individual. Can’t even be honest on an anonymous chat forum. And sent something so heinous that it could have been a police matter

Well let’s be honest, you were never going to tell your family. Be honest and get therapy, it sounds like you need it.

I don't think you were ever going to come clean to your wider family and discuss it .You've had a year - and in the first post, you said the person you insulted had traced it to you and you admitted it rather than the fact that you came clean and admitted it out of guilt. you sent something extremely nasty anonymously and it's come back to bite you on the arse. I'm not sure what it is you were 'working through' ?

That said you've apologised to the person that you wrote to anonymously and they decided not to share that it was your wider family. I therefore don't really see that it's any of their business. Why do you need to say anything? anything you do say is just going to sound like an excuse. If anybody asks you outright I would say yes i'm ashamed to admit it's true I'm sorry I have apologised to your cousin last year .

You seem to spend a bit of time talking about how this person has tracked you down and how she's bitter and outed you. I wouldn't get into discussing that or explaining that to anybody it's your behaviour that needs to be addressed If anybody asks.

I think that it is your ex friend that is the problem, you did the right thing to keep your distance.

You apologised to the person that you offended. That takes courage.

Tell the truth to your family, keep it simple, just as you have with us.

Make sure that you tell them that you apologised to the person involved and that you knew you should tell the family but felt bad and wished that you never did it in the first place.

Allow them time to react. They may say things in the heat of the moment, try not to take it to heart or say things back. They may say different things once they have settled down.

People make mistakes, all of us. Once you have spoken to your family you might need to allow yourself to let it go and move on.

It’s all water under the bridge now, as you‘ve cleared things up with the person you insulted, now all that remains is to confess to your wider family. Your shame and regret will be obvious to them, as it very much is in your posts on here. Obviously there will be horrified or shocked reactions, but it won’t last for ever. People who know you will see that you are the most severe judge of your actions.

There is absolutely no need for you to provide details here or on any other public forum - they make no difference now to what you decide to do and how to go about it. As others have said, be honest and straightforward and make it soon.

You will feel a great sense of relief once you’ve told your family the truth. Be brave and good luck.

There is no such thing as “healthy-shame”
if I were you I would make appropriate amends
with no expectation attached stop picking the scab you are obviously remorseful make a decision to improve your behaviour and not repeat the scenario try and make it a “learning experience “ willingness to fix the part you played is the key without expecting it to “fix the situation’ you can then “let go “ of the negativity

@

Really, nothing material has changed except your control over when you had the conversation. If you knew you were going to do it then you’ve been facing the terrifying situation for some time. No sympathy from me that you were outed like this I’m afraid, as it sounds like you’ve caused considerable harm yourself and if you put things on the internet that’s the risk you take. Why didn’t you just tell someone you know, who perhaps doesn’t know the situation or those involved? And you could still do that now as a kind of practice run. Saying out loud things that make you ashamed of yourself takes massive courage - most people will avoid it. Who wants to admit they’re a toad of some kind? But it’s also a first step towards not behaving like a tool again. And as I say to my DS: if you keep it in, it gets bigger. If you talk it out, it gets smaller. Give the people involved a chance to forgive you, or not. Either way, you are incrementally better for not keeping this all to yourself.

If this incident happened a year ago, when were you planning on confessing to your extended family?! This person that you deeply hurt, presumably hasn't told the extended family that it was you who insulted them? They've simply cut contact with you. The only reason why your extended family are aware is because someone you know put two and two together, figured it was you, and sent evidence of this to your family.

You've had a year to tell your extended family, but up until now haven't. I'm not convinced you would ever have been 'ready' to confess all to them. It was something you told yourself you'd do, to make yourself feel better. Your former friend, has given you no option, you will have to be completely honest with them. Explain the situation, that you have apologised to the other person and are deeply ashamed of your behaviour. I'm sure they will be shocked and probably upset, and if some decide to cut contact, then unfortunately that's going to be the consequence of your actions.

I don’t know what the insult was.

we all make mistakes in life, we do things we regret. Why did you do it? Was it jealousy or bitterness? I think if you can dig deeper there and explain that it will help.

but somehow you have to learn from this and put it behind you. As we all do. We all have memories that make us squirm. Be honest and have humility and your family that love you will likely forgive you

Hopefully your close family whom you are worried about will ask if you are ok, will.ask what was behind it, will ask if you have learned anything from the experience, will ask what actual harm was done and will ask what support you need going forward. If you are known for creating drama and upsetting people they might give you a wide berth.

Exactly. I assumed OP had sent a poison pen letter to a relative wishing them dead or something equally awful. It was bad enough for the relative to tell other family members they had received a malicious communication and now to have cut contact with OP.

To be honest if she hadn't told the rest of the family it was her I actually don't believe she was ever going to. It happened last year!

If you have already spoken with and resolved the matter with the person you insulted, why would it bother your family so so much?
Hope your conversation goes well

You apologised, nobody elses business.

Does depend a bit on what you did

Tbh i call BS, I dont think you would ever have told your family. Youve been avoiding it, its just now you cant. All this in my own time is nonsense. You did the wrong thing, youve had chances to confess and you havent.

And long term if you think your family needed to know irrespective of this ex friends motives it might have done you a favour.

And finally, ease off with the pity parade eh? If you did a bad thing you deserve the shame. - own it and say your apologies and move on if you can

I think we all make mistakes, regret certain things, and essentially grow from the person we once were.
Do you need to explain/announce it to the family? I would say it's between you and that person and a sincere apology goes a long way.

Words are just words. What's the worst thing you could say? I wish that person was dead? If you've apologized to the person concerned then I don't see why others in your family would still be holding onto it? If they are upset with you explain it in the way you did the victim. That you're sorry and try to move on.

It sounds like a lot of whinging and "poor me", rather than any suggestion you might actually be responsible.