How do I face my family after this? How do I live with the shame?

[Pizzie]

Last year, I did something towards an extended family member that I am deeply ashamed of. There is no excuse for what I did and I have spent a long time regretting it and hurting her the way I did. It wasn't physical abuse from me but still. I eventually admitted what I done to the person involved and apologised sincerely.

My family, however, did not know the truth. At the time, I wasn't emotionally ready to tell them. I was working towards being honest with them in my own time, when I felt capable of having that conversation myself.

Unfortunately, someone who is an ex friend for more than a decade, identified me from online on a different site, found a vulnerable post I had written online while trying to work through the situation. This is someone with whom there has been a very long and painful history and someone I believe has remained extremely bitter towards me. Our falling out was different to the situation above. This person is just a drama queen and she can't cope with anything beyond herself and her own emotions and ego.
She identified me from the post, printed it, and sent it to members of my family.

So now the conversation I had been trying to prepare myself for has effectively been forced upon me.

What I am struggling with is the fact that I wanted to tell my family myself, after having time to process what I had done and find the courage to be honest.
Instead, someone else took something I had written when I was vulnerable and exposed it to them.

I am now facing a very difficult conversation with my family, and I am absolutely terrified.

I feel ashamed, overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

I suppose what I am looking for is some perspective from people who have had to admit something they deeply regret to their family. How did you find the courage to have that conversation? How did you cope with the shame afterwards?

I know I cannot undo what I did. I just want to find a way through this honestly and hopefully eventually find some peace.

It's better to sit with your family and explain why you did it and hope they can accept your reasons why.
I'm sure that you bitterly regret the whole thing but you know op...this is a classic tale of Karma bites you on the arse.

This too. (now read all the updates).

Maybe this is helpful in the end. It’s forced the conversation to happen.

How did your relative take it when you confessed it had been you? What’s the relationship like now between you?

Wait until members of your family bring the subject up, you don't need to make excuses or explain, just say I'd rather not discuss it, you are you, you're not accountable to anyone else.....🙂

So my understanding is that you did something horrible , but rather than facing up and apologising, you pleaded for support online ( having already made the error online). You then hid this from the rest of the family “ until you were ready” over a year later , and yet again are pleading for support online ( after continuing to insult the original victim by saying they are a drama queen etc). Frankly, grow up, develop some genuine social and emotional skills not hawked from the internet, and face up to what you have done. If your family love and care for you they will presumably find it far easier to forgive if you take your face out of your phone and go and talk to them in person, using your own words and own emotions to apologise - rather than hiding your shame behind a keyboard for more than a YEAR!! (and then claiming you were just waiting for the right moment!). You sound extremely immature and self- absorbed.

100% agree. I don't understand why 90% of the replies are telling @Pizzie to confess to the rest of the family. Op is an adult the person she said it to is an adult. A.op apologised to thst person. Op doesn't owe anything to anyone else its no one else's business.

The ex friend who says she told the family about OP. Thinks she's just caused upset to the op. But she's also caused upset to the rest of the family its just been done to shit stir.

That's if the ex friend really told the family.it could just be mind games.

Out of curiosity, what did you fall out about with this ex friend and do you have a pattern of chaotic and unstable relationships which sometimes culminate in spiteful acts of revenge and insulting each other?

I'm genuinely not trying to be horrible, but I know a couple of people with similar stories and they have this in relationship after relationship, never seeing pattern and they manage to go on totally destroying their own lives and never seeking appropriate help. If they do go to a therapist etc they frame each incident as isolated and sometimes bounce from therapist to therapist or listening ear friend to listening ear friend (particularly if one says something they don't like).

So this is all about hurty words? All sounds needlessly high drama to me. You said or posted bad stuff- but nothing that has got anyone into serious trouble? You apologised to the individual involved. An ex-friend has decided to sh*t stir and now you have to reveal it to your family??

Like gathering them all in a room to reveal who-dun-it?

The usual way to do this is to have an honest conversation with your closest family member, in private. Particularly explain the why you did it, even if the reason isn’t great. Let them filter the information out to other family members. If anyone asks you about it directly be honest about being a d*ck and shrug it off as something that won’t happen again.

Do you have a learning disability or neurodiversity or personality disorder that accounts for this level of over-thinking and treating a mistake as the end of the world? Or are your family likely to really hurt you when they hear about it? I can’t understand the level of drama here.

it was so very very very wrong of me.

That is 'very' x3. You are exaggerating. You are wallowing in the drama and feeling sorry for yourself, and loving feeling guilty because that is more drama.
It was a nasty online comment - that is all. You didn't murder anyone. You didn't go and physically assault someone. And you have already apologised to the person concerned.
You are building up the announcement to your family as a huge thing, when really it is nothing - just letting them know about a minor incident that happened a year ago and is already resolved. Why do you think they will be the least bit interested?

You sound like you have very low self esteem. Do your family usually love to use any stick to beat you with and make you feel bad? Will they use this latest thing to have another go at you? Is there a history of emotional abuse from your family?

The way to handle it with your family is to apologise, again, if anyone raises the issue, but otherwise ignore it.

My guess is she said something which if it got out as a rumour could ruin her relative's life. Even if it was completely unfounded it might make someone sweat that it would get spread because there is a big enough population of people who believe no smoke without fire.

Not the absolute worst crime to send a single private message like this with no obvious threat, but possibly deeply unpleasant.

Just a guess from the way I've seen a person who also seems to "fall out" with people a lot operate.

I find it hard to believe you were ever actually going to tell your family if this happened last year.

I also agree with most people on here that it's impossible to offer advise without knowing more information. Especially around the victim impact.

I must admit the fact someone you haven't spoke to in 10 years told your family also comes across like it was something really, really serious if they thought they should, or they really really hate you, and then I have yoto ask myself why a second person would be so upset with you after so long.

Keep it simple. If anyone in your family mention it say , Yes- it was me, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m very sorry and ashamed about it and I apologised ages ago. Then let go of it and resolve never to do anything like it again. Forget it and move forward.

I don't know how you think people can react or help when no one knows the scale of the insult, what may be huge to you may not be so to someone else, if the ex friend is holding it over you, then you have to come clean, everyone is saying don't make excuses, be honest, but say how you have suffered from the guilt ever since, if you were that mean you wouldn't be feeling so awfull.

I think you need to consult with the original person you offended so badly. You admitted to them it was you and apologised. Did they accept your apology at the time? . They seem to have kept your 'secret' for a long while, so it seems they could be decent person in helping you deal with any issues with you closer family.

It happened a long time ago but it sounds like you have been haunted by your behaviour for many years. Say sorry to your family for your conduct, and how deeply you regretted it, that you owned up to the person concerned and apologised . These are mitigating factors that you can collect you thoughts around. It seems to me that you can't 'defend' your conduct, but you can show genuine remorse, and sincerely apologise to your wider family for impact on them and letting them down in terms of what you did ( presumably against your family values) , and for not owning up to them at the time.

Your ex friend is clearly a nastier person than you.

But in the longer term I think it's better to get it dealt with and move on with your life with the learned lesson in the open but behind you

Just admit it say you know you were wrong you know it was horrible. No excuses nothing self serving. Then get on with your life. Your family might be shocked and judge you deservedly. It will pass stop main charectering it tedious.

All you can do is be totally honest and tell the person how ashamed you are and are truly sorry.

Well, first off you need to report the former friend, who has been stalking and harassing you, to the police. I am not one to recommend this lightly, but from what you say she has been sending you abusive messages for years - that's not OK and it's not legal!

Providing your family are sane, decent humans, they will be less worried about the online insult thing, which happened years ago and which from the sounds of it your victim didn't feel strongly enough about to share with them....And more concerned about the harassment you have been on the recieving end of.

This kind of blackmail works because we find it hard to accept our own past flawed actions and forgive ourselves.....

But whatever you did, it's in the past. You have owned it to the victim, and apologised. I don't think there is any further reparation you can make.

Taking your story at face value, you now have to forgive yourself and move on.

I wouldn't mention it to your family unless they raise it. If they do, just say yes, you made a mistake and you know it was wrong. But you don't have to writhe around in self hatred. Nobody is perfect - we all make mistakes.

But you need to take positive action now to get your stalker out of your life. Or who knows what other harm she may do to you......