In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

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I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

I’m not sure I understand what the real issue is then. You went away with your DH on a break, his parents babysat. Did you want them to call you and tell you the 4 yo wasn’t able to sleep on her own and then get your permission to alter sleeping arrangements? You sound quite controlling and paranoid. I understand that as mothers we have to make sure our children are safe especially when they are young but you seem to be over-reacting, given the context.

I didn't think anyone was on the sofa? That's one of the main points of the argument isn't it, that she used OP's bed.

How do you know FIL was awake many of times I've done exactly this when both are asleep so as not to disturb.

If you look again at my post, you'll see that I was quoting @Climetime; in fact your own post quoting me shows that I was quoting them. So I was asking Climetime this question and not the OP.

😂oh thanks. Just keep catching up with MN during work!!

Huggy family. Bedhopping. Can mumsnet be any more nauseating. The smug wording is more nauseating than the grandpa.

I'm the person @dupedsuave was agreeing with and can tell you how I know @Climetime 's FIL was awake:

Cilmetime wrote "He told us how she turned up in his bed at 1am saying she didn't want to sleep alone". Sounds like he was awake when the child got into bed, no?

Other posters argue OP is under-reacting and should contact the police!

I think what OP would have liked is in-laws who understood that a GF sleeping with a four-year old girl, and the GM sleeping in OP and DH's room when she had told them which room to sleep in and where her children sleep, disrespects boundaries in someone else's house. Now she and DH have spoken to the GPs and said no more overnight babysitting because of what happened. OP wants to speak further to DD4 abut GF's kiss on the lips but some posters are saying she should take advice if she suspects sexual abuse.

I would seek advice on continuing the conversation about sexual abuse. The PANTS rules teach children what is and isn’t ok, but they don’t actually teach a child how to deal with it if someone disrespects the PANTS rules. They are still vulnerable, and in fact, knowing it shouldn’t have happened they can clam up even further as they don’t want to get someone they usually love and enjoy spending time with into trouble. Which they know would happen as they know the PANTS rules.

It sounds like they were woken up at 1am yes and maybe they all tried to go back to sleep but MIL couldn't sleep so chose to go to sofa and FIL only found this out later is he going to go into that much detail when recounting story or would he just say and your mum ended up on the sofa!

The trouble is that grooming starts off by looking innocent. What’s the harm going to be of stopping a 4 year old from sleeping with her grandfather in future? Assuming it’s innocent is risky. Child abusers look for people with lax boundaries because they know their behaviour will be explained away. There’s nothing more off putting to a child abuser than an active, involved parent with strong boundaries. And who’s going to be upset by it if they don’t want to encroach on someone’s boundaries?

Have you even read the full quote from @Climetime or are you just inferring things to suit your argument without actually checking?

@Nappingnanna and by full quote, I don't mean the part quote that I quoted. I mean the original quote.

No one can answer that. Not all sexual crimes are reported.

This has turned into quite the thread! I suspect the very wide range of views owes something to the difficulties of having only text to draw on to understand what happened when OP was away. Speaking would have helped us understand better.

Thinking back to when my DD was this age, I am certain of two things. The first is that she only stayed apart from us overnight (no grandparents around to stay in our house) with people I absolutely trusted (effectively this was only my late best friend's mother, who I had known well for 25 years, and her extended family) and if DD was happy to go. The party often included her slightly older grandsons and her son, whom I had known since school days. Another old female friend of mine, outside the UK, wasvery keen to have DD stay overnight when we were on holiday but I could tell DD didn't want to go so it didn't happen.

The second thing is that when people came to our house to babysit if we went out for the evening, I was clear about when DD had to go to bed - 'about 7.30' and her routine - leave with a book, leave the door open, possibly some singing, I mentioned that once she was in bed she stayed there and had never come back downstairs.

So what we don't know is how explicit OP was with her in-laws about what to do. That has a bearing on how the GP behaved subsequently. If DD4 is prone to getting out of bed, for example, OP might have said: 'If she gets out of bed, take her straight back, quietly reassure her, and then leave her.' Did she take them to their bedroom and say eg 'Do you need any more pillows?' We also know she doesn't like her in-laws so she may have not been as expansive in what she said than she would have been with, say, her own parents.

So what we don't know is how explicit OP was with her in-laws about what to do. That has a bearing on how the GP behaved subsequently.

We also know she doesn't like her in-laws so she may have not been as expansive in what she said than she would have been with, say, her own parents.

@IdaGlossop you've put the onus on the instructions given on the OP only and not on her DH, who is actually the GP's son. Yes the OP may not have been expansive in what she said than she would have been with her own parents, but surely the DH should have been expansive enough given they are his own parents.

Or do you only the mother is primarily responsible for childcare instructions?

You are right to pick me up on this. It flitted across my mind when I was writing and I didn't follow it up. As the daughter of a very hands-on father, I expect both parents to be responsible for childcare instructions.

As OP has an awkward relationship with her in-laws, it would be interesting to know which of them did speak to the GP, as well as what was said.

Typo

Naturally people's opinions are informed by their personal experience. I understand that SA victims will be especially guarded with their own children. However, those of us who grew up sharing beds during holidays etc. with doting grandparents who kissed us on the lips and who cherished and cared for us all our life, obviously have a very different opinion 💞

Keep kissing your children on the lips! But plenty of people on this thread disagree with it. It’s called having an opinion.

I know. It was the poster that I quoted who claimed that " We all know the stats on this." Since she claimed that so confidently, I asked what they were.

My thoughts exactly

Thanks for explaining and agreeing.

Come on op please answer all the questions you obviously don't want to answer cause they don't work in your storyline, you came on for help not just reassurance in your opinion surely.

Our grandaughter when younger asked her grandad to sleep with her, she slept at ours last night and when i put her to bed told me that her grandad was coming up to see her. Nothing weird going on.

The FIL thing is WAY off what I'd consider acceptable. Never be sleeping in my house again if I heard that story and yes, I'd absolutely raise it so they knew why.