In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

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I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

You don't think 10% of all child familial sex abuse is enough to say grandad should have been on the floor or at the very least outside the covers and not kissing a child who was 4 on the lips for the first time?

I don't know if it has to do with you not liking them already, but this really reminds me of something my sister would say to me & my parents when we mind her kids. Nothing is good enough, and we are just trying to survive because kids are hard work and my parents are in their mid seventies, and i'm working full time, and she's just had nearly a week away, and we just hope that the kids ( who are a lityle bit older than yours) don't out us and tell them that we let them go in a stream with the dog and stay up late and watch the ipads more than they probably should have, and let one of the kids who has injured his ankle run around and play tag at the park.
Maybe they were just trying to survive the weekend with the kids the best they could, and I particularly think that given what your mother in law said about her needing the sleep. People forget how difficult their own kids are because they used to it, but people who don't have to look after youngsters every day can really struggle.

Where does it say it was the first time?

I’ve read that they are a kissy huggy family.

Where does it say that grandad was under the covers?

I'd it wasn't the first time, but normal, why would a 4 year old have mentioned it and why would the mother be upset about it?

It’s so sad to me that some pps say they won’t kiss their young kids on the lips! Come on now. You’re their mum! There’s nothing wrong with that and there’s zero sexual connotation. I find it insane people worry there is!!

But that estimated statistic is irrelevant. I would hazard a guess that the most prevalent sexual abusers of children are the father or father figure. Does that mean we should stop fathers from kissing their children or sharing a bed with their children or bathing their children???

Mum was grilling her about it, so I'm going to guess that among the questions were 'did grandad kiss you?' and 'where did he kiss you?'

You're v lucky. Me and Ds had experience of SA from pervy uncle growing up so we are ultra aware and protective of our own DC now.

She sounded equally upset that MIL had slept in her bed and saw her medication.

If I thought that something had happened with my child? That would have been so down my list of priorities that it would not have been mentioned.

The OP said she asked if grandad kissed her. The child said yes and where. Most children are blunt and to the point.

?? Lack of response to this question tells me alot, assuming its all a new issue you have with you pil

I totally agree, right now, whilst I sort of got her initial concern, its now like a witch hunt - poor grandparents.

Sleeping with family was quite the norm when I was a kid, heck I even bathed all 3 of my nieces and nephews in my bath when they were toddlers, on my own. That would be outrageous now. But basically, you do not leave your kids for even one moment with someone you do not trust - simple as!

Grandad asked to share a bed alone with his four-year-old grand-daughter? WTAF!!!! That's not so much a red flag as a convoy of shrieking sirens! JFC. There can only be one reason for that. Up to you whether to confront or not, but you should never, ever leave either of your children alone with them again. Ever. Literally make sure he's in view of you at all times.

Have you posted before? There was a thread a few months ago about a grandfather wanting to "play" upstairs with his little grand-daughter in her bedroom with the door shut.

Haven't read the whole thread but this is horrible. It reminds me of when I was about six and my mum made me sleep in a bed with my uncle who was an alcoholic.
Just horrible

There actually aren’t any modern, population‑level statistics that show “10% of intrafamilial CSA is grandfather–grandchild”.

That figure comes from very old, very small clinical case series that looked only at reported incest cases in specialist treatment centres. They weren’t national studies, they weren’t representative, and they didn’t include the huge number of cases that never reach services. So you can’t generalise those tiny samples to “10% of all intrafamilial CSA”.

Current large‑scale research (NSPCC, ONS, Home Office, WHO) doesn’t break perpetrators down into specific family roles like “grandfather”, “uncle”, “cousin”, etc., because the numbers become too small to produce reliable percentages. The broad pattern is that most intrafamilial CSA is perpetrated by fathers/stepfathers or mother’s partners. Grandparent perpetrators do exist, but they’re not identified as a distinct 10% category in any credible modern dataset.
So yes, I will agree one case is too many but the “10%” figure isn’t an established statistic. Try running that through Google!

Grandad didn’t ask to share a bed with the 4 year old….
The 4 year old asked for her Grandad, Grandad co slept with her to help her settle as his wife needed to get some sleep because of her medical issues.

Not the best of ideas from them but I’m sure it was all completely innocent. I know when my son (age 3) has slept over at my mum and dad’s house he has sometimes snuck into their bed with them as he does at home with me. Iv never thought twice about it

Yep, the replies are limited and not answering questions that could help, if they may differ from the view point portrayed.

I feel like people are inventing things as the thread goes on.

As I understand it, grandad ended up sleeping with granddaughter as she wouldn’t settle. At some point, there were some kisses/a kiss.

This has been turned by some posters into ‘pedophile grandfather forced a situation of sharing a bed with granddaughter and kissed her in bed on the lips’.

Please stop inventing things and making inflammatory comments. Personally I don’t understand the outrage. If you had a trusting relationship with the grandparents I don’t think it would be an issue, but you don’t seem to trust or like them, so leaving your children overnight with them was perhaps ill advised for all involved.

Im so sorry to hear you are in this scenario. That is absolutely crazy to think in this day and age any safe adults would consider this arrangement to be in the best interest of any child . I would be In a complete rage throw them out and as per another message response get child examined and go to a specialist for advice. Thats appalling for a grandfather to insist to sleep in same bed as a child and grandmother to not be suspicious. I feel for ye all being put into this predicament by your inlaws.

This.

Same! I kiss my kids on the lips. Its mental on here

If you are so concerned then contact child protection! It all sounds truly innocent and your children have caring,hands on grandparents . I think people get carried away with what they read online TBH . Anything that gets grandchildren asleep within reason is normal 🤦‍♀️ it’s a very tiring experience.
edited to say that we just end up sharing different beds with ours to get sleep.

The 4yr old didn’t mention it. The OP asked the child the specific question of did grandad kiss you on the lips? The child said yes.

You’re wrong. The OP did not specifically ask her DD if her FIL had kissed her on the lips.

This is what the OP wrote:

“I asked her if Grandpa kissed her. She said ‘yes on the lips’.”

Weird. In my household, both grandparents would share a bed with a child that is not settling. And nobody would blink twice or think anything of it. Why did your MIL not spend the night with them?
We do not kiss children on the lips.
And if it is not done usually between them, as some family do kiss on the lips, then why on that particular night?
I would not risk a repeat of this. I do npt like it at all.