In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

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I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

I'm relieved you had the conversation and everything seems to have been above board - though I'd object to kissing on the lips, frankly. However she may have been moving her head about, doubt he did it deliberately.

It's just as well they won't be staying with grandparents again, at least not until much older.

I remember mine getting in with my mother and also going into my in-laws' bed when very small and staying over, but granddad got up and went into the spare room. Not all little ones like sleeping away from home but sometimes there's an emergency. We only did it twice when ours was small. Later on it was easier.

I'm sorry grandma has health problems, are they serious? That's something we all have to face as they grow older, they will need your help in time.

I hope you are all OK now.

It's really not irrelevant and similar to my questions about how they have been as GP for previous 9 years which op has ignored

This 100%. I cannot believe some of the hyperbole spouted on this thread.

So much life changing and life destroying advice given by strangers who don’t know your in laws or your children. Jesus. Please don’t act on any of the, frankly, terrible advice that has been so casually dished out by drama lamas.

Your FIL kissed his grandchild on the lips and slept in the same bed? And what? He’s their grandfather, not some random off the street.

^^^

See, if this was my parents or in-laws it wouldn’t bother me. My 4 year old often hops into bed with DH and I in the night, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the same happened while the grandparents were in charge. I wouldn’t be pleased about my bed being used, but presumably MIL felt unable to sleep with all 3 of them in the same bed and took drastic action.

The difference is that I trust my parents and in-laws implicitly, and it’s clear from your posts that you do not trust your in-laws. (Which begs the question of why they were allowed to look after the DC overnight in the first place but I suppose that ship has sailed). Only you (and your DH) can tell if that mistrust is well-founded. I really hope that it was all perfectly innocent.

If the OPs daughter had mentioned this at school or nursery it would have been looked into by their safeguarding leads and the same conversations would be occurring.

Sadly schools are daily logging and looking into these issues affecting so many children all around the country and from all different backgrounds.

No. Just…no. All sorts of levels of ick and red flags. I’d be sick to my stomach

Some families (not mine but more than not) kiss their parents and grandparents on the lips. In some families it's totally normal. I thought I was the odd one when I found out how normal it was.

Didn't change me not kissing my parents on the lips but I can appreciate that someone that is that comfortable with their family is not, in fact, a nonce.

What I did do is share a bed with my grandparents, either/or/often both until I left home. Honestly I hopped in with my grandad when I was over 30 so not that weird.

I am surprised at the focus on the kissing on the lips here. People are seeing it as a red flag in its own right. I wouldn't see it that way, some people are lip kissers, some aren't. I'm not, but i don't think it would bother me if a grandparent kissed a child on the lips. That's just my initial thought OP.

Weird. But not much that can be done now. Not sure why you let them stay with GPs that you don’t like. I know you said it was for unrelated reasons but I do find there’s a reason why they’re disliked.

My kids GF is a weirdo - it’s always been a no from me.

No this is not ok
your father in law slept in the same bed as your 4 year old
ok, so the best thing to resolve this issue is to ask mumsnet ??
I truly despair
A 4 year old girl should not be sleeping with her grandad
ffs
why can’t you just parent your child?
guess you are just relishing all the attention from social media?
some people should not be allowed to parent

Apologies long post!

You haven't mentioned when he kissed her on the lips is this a normal thing that his fam do? Does he kiss all the grandkids this way? I know its easy to get caught up in the peado vibes but only you and your DH know if thats a possibility, what does your DH think of your allegations against his dad? Would you react same if it were your parents or would this not cross your mind? As someone said about bunk beds and Grandad sleeping in there. Im presuming 4yrold does not sleep on top bunk as this is dangerous. So grandad would not be able to sleep on top bunk this wouldnt help an upset 4yr old anyway as she wouldnt be able to see him even if he could get to top bunk. Also I am assuming she has a closer bond to grandad than gran? And 2 adults in double bed and 4yr old is a difficult sleep he could've of also have thought easier to get her asleep in double then move her back into her bed(although not easy to place back in bunk bed) and genuinely just fell asleep himself. He maybe said to MIL you go get some sleep in your bed, (as its very tiring when your getting older to keep up the energy when you've not slept well night before as you mentioned in your post) and thats why she was in your bed? Again bunk beds are not comfortable.
I think more context is needed tbh.

Im a grandparent our DGD lives with us as does our DD she works night shifts so DGD will end up in bed with grandad often, he is in work early so is usually in bed early DGD gets put in her own bed stories are read tucked in kissed on forehead before DD goes off to work, all our bedroom doors are left open just incase she wakes in the night. I'll be downstairs clearing up for next days, as I start work later, by time I come to bed most of the time DGD is in our bed fast asleep, shes been with us since being born we have a big bed so its doable when our other grandkids stay over they usually end up in our bed too its where they feel safe whilst they are young and missing parents, our DGS now they are older stay in the kids/guest rooms but still come into our bed on a lazy sunday for cuddles.

Now growing up my grandparents always kissed on lips, my parents never did. We personally dont kiss on lips, for me it started with my own DC, due to the germs we could pass on and vice a versa I did not allow it with any fam members either. Only ever cheek or forehead or top of head and only if they want a kiss goodnight or good bye we taught all ours to only kiss on cheek no matter who is asking, if they wanted to, or do the kiss your hand blow it to person, person pretends to catch it and place on their cheek this is mostly used when saying goodbye..

You must be really careful how you handle this if they are really caring GP you could ruin a fab relationship for you kids. There are a lot of good points on here for you to decide which to use.

Trust your gut only you know if you truly believe somethings off or you just dont like them, I know if I didn't trust someone fam or not with my kids they didn't stay with them alone ever.

I don’t know if you’ll see those OP but when asking questions in relation to safeguarding there’s a way to go about it. You can’t ask young children leading questions as it changes the accuracy of the account/answer.

Anyway look it up before you talk to DD again.

DD2 aged 4 shared a bed with FIL on her first sleepover and it was fine, didn't occur to me to be upset about it. He told us how she turned up in his bed at 1am saying she didn't want to sleep alone, and sprawled across their king size bed and MIL had to go and sleep on the sofa as DD2 took up so much space. We all chuckled because it's very typical behaviour from DD2 and it showed she was comfortable with him.

We don't kiss on the lips but sometimes DDs kiss each other on lips, and I could believe that DD2 might kiss PILs.

Well, I would argue that because of the way people could misinterpret an action like this, most people do everything they can not to appear to be crossing any of those boundaries. So the people who do can’t be trusted.

I know that there could be an innocent explanation, but what’s the harm in safeguarding when innocent people have done nothing wrong? None. What’s the harm in ignoring potential warning signs when someone doesn’t seem to understand normal boundaries? Well we all know the answer to that.

I think only you can know whether this is normal for your family or not. I have 2 children aged 4 and 7. They both bed hop, the 4 year old especially, he climbs in my bed in the middle of the night and if he's sleeping over at a grandparents (who are divorced, so he goes to each house seperately) he wants to share a bed with them. My 7 year old was similar till she was 6 (all her choice, and at 7 she asked her nanny could she share a bed with her last week because she wa scared) both will kiss us on the lips (again they will choose to do that) and I imagine they will instigate kisses and cuddles with grandparents. I know in my household it's not something that would immediately worry me. You and your children are entitled to your boundaries though, so if it feels off it is worth addressing.

I’m not sure if I’m the weird one here but my parents and sister always have always kissed me on the lips and I do with my kids.
(so did my grandparents both sides.)
I don’t find it weird, I find it affectionate.

I have a male friend (like a brother to me) he also kisses me on the lips and two elderly clients that do it too (we’re in the north east- I’m not sure if that makes any difference to cultures on this thread but just by way of explanation)

I’m now a 47-year-old woman and still kiss my parents on the lips.
It did feel a bit weird when my elderly clients did it the first time they call me their stepdaughter and are very paternal to me so again I don’t find it weird.
I’m not sure if this is just me.

I was SA by my paternal grandfather, at four year-old so the sleeping in the same bed as your father-in-law is a red flag to me, however, not so much the kissing on the lips for me.

The mother-in-law sleeping in your bed, however is another red flag as that’s why you and your husband are intimate and I wouldn’t like that either

Out of interest, why was it your MIL who went to the sofa and not your FIL? All the men I know would always prioritise their female partner’s comfort and so would give them the bed and be the one to go to the sofa.

Hi, I'm going to go against nearly everyone here and say firstly I have no problem with the kissing on the lips for a 4 year old. I do understand where you're coming from a little with the bed but if you don't think that way (predatory) then you are not going to think anything about getting into a child's bed to enable them to sleep. The FIL is probably innocently thinking he's helping.

Basically if you're completely innocent, it wouldn't even occur to you to think it may be wrong. So if you're not comfortable then by all means speak to them but don't have a go/call the police or anything - at least until you've had a 'conversation'.

Oh I'm so sorry

Nah I think your being damn right horrible, you wanted a reason and now you've got one and by god you're going to beat your husband over the head with it, I still kiss my grandad and my 36 when I was a child I slept in the bed with him all the time because my mum worked and would drop me off to him at 4am, he is nothing but a loving caring grandad, the best actually. Your accusing him of being a nonse and you've said yourself they are cuddling and kissy. It was alright when you were getting free childcare, you didn't mind then. Id never babysit or see you ever again if it was me, take your kids on holiday yourself rather than expecting grandparents you don't like to have them.. They sounds like loving grandparents by your updates who done you a massive favour only to be accused of child sexual abuse.

FIL kissing on the lips and in same bed
this exact thing used to happen to us
Its just wrong 🤢
AND yes I would be furious about anyone in my bed also
Don't ask them again
Absolutely no

Why were you in the bed with your grandfather when you were over 30?

My childhood was at the other extreme, because I never got a single hug or kiss from any of my grandparents and even my parents, so it's very difficult to imagine sleeping in the same bed as any of them at any age.

Yes agree