In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

[Jfhsjdhrhdb]

I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

Bizarre to so confidently state that someone you’ve never met is a paedophile based on absolutely zero evidence.

You have enough evidence to question whether grand-dad might be a paedophile - sharing a bed with his granddaughter and kissing her on the lips. He may be. He may not. Let's hope the latter. You, a stranger on a chat forum, cannot possibly know. To say he 100% is one is totally irresponsible and doesn't help OP in any way. She knows it's a possibility. She doesn't need you telling her it's a certainty.

I’m going to be honest I often have to get up in the night as my other half sleeps like a train. So I may have been tempted by another comfortable big bed.
However, I would definitely let the owner of the bed know!
However, it’s absolutely not on having grandad in bed with a little girl of four. In this day and age, the optics are creepy. I’m not sure how old he is but surely he would understand that?
The best thing would have been for grandma to have had the little one and grandpa to have slept solo.
I wouldn’t actually make that big of a deal if it as it’s done now but I just simply would never, ever let them stay again.

I have asked multiple times now, I realise your stressed but feel it is important not sure why you are not responding to my comments. How have the GP been in last 9 years you have had the children?

No sleepovers. No unsupervised contact and get locks on relevant bedroom doors in case you invite them round again.

Why on earth is anyone sleeping in bed with someone else's child?? I can't understand. And I don't care if you're related. We all know the stats on this.

I think you are being ridiculous tbh. They have been good enough to look after the kids and tired, kids not sleeping etc, you take them into bed with you. And I kiss my kids on the lips as does husband, you seem quite invested in being annoyed with them

Exactly this. OP has admitted that she doesn't like PIL therefore she is not impartial. As for GPs kissing their grandkids goodnight on the lips, this is perfectly normal behaviour for many families. The child asked her GF to help her get to sleep and 3 in the bed was probably too uncomfortable so GM sought refuge in her Son's bed. OP is catastrophising IMO.

What exactly are the stats on the percentage of grandparents who sexually assault their grandchildren?

This and a million more times.

In whose world is that ever reasonable! Outrageous behaviour, as much by your MiL as you FiL

I’ve just read all the OPs posts so I’m sure others have said it. If 4 year old wouldn’t go to sleep without grandpa he lies down on the floor beside the 4 year old’s bed until she falls asleep. Mothers do this all the time and worst case is it takes ages and they fall asleep themselves and wake up cold and uncomfortable hours later.

I’m very close to my DIL and give them our bed when they stay because it’s the only room with enough space for the DGC but I can’t imagine going to sleep in their bed when they’ve given me a different bed. I don’t ever even walk into their bedroom when I stay as I’ve no reason to be in there.

Who gives a fuck? We know they aren't zero.

The world is littered with grandfathers who sexually abuse children.

This was not a child who has not learned to sleep on her own. Did you miss the bit where he kissed her on the lips?

Clearly grandfather has not kissed this child on the lips for 4 years.

Totally inappropriate in the circumstances, nothing ridiculous about the mother's reaction.

I sometimes kiss my grandchildren on the lips (4+2) mostly on the top of their heads now as they're heavy to lift and I can't get down that far these days.

If the child was unsettled by mum and dad being away and wanted comfort and to sleep with GF then I don't see a problem. Kids get upset and we shouldn't assume that every man is a paedophile, some are just lovely grandpa's who adore their grandchildren. As for MIL ... Looking after young children is exhausting as you get older and clearly with DD in their bed that was not an option so she went to a bed she could sleep in. I agree the situation is not ideal but at the end of the day they did you a favour and arrangements do not always go to plan with young children. So they adapted.

I hope MIL stripped the bed and put the sheets in the washer.

@Awkwardisfunny said that we all know the stats. So I'm inviting her to share them, because I don't know them.

I suspect that she doesn't either, but if she does, it'd be good to share so that we can all post with that knowledge.

This is seriously alarming, I am very worried about your children, particularly your 4yr old daughter OP!

Just for context on why this is alarming and similar situations may not be and why you’re not overreacting; My 5yr old son slept in my MILs bed with her when visiting over the summer, but she kicked FIL out the bed and my son told us as I often sleep in his bed with him at his request. My FIL would NEVER. They have never slept in our bed.
nobody in our family kisses on the lips so this would be a huge red flag and my husband would be demanding answers

Very weird! Why wouldn’t she want a clean bed and why on earth did FIL think that was ok?!

Google gives me this. One is too many.

"Historic clinical and criminological subsets estimate that grandfather-to-grandchild incest or abuse accounts for roughly 10% of reported intrafamilial child sexual abuse cases"

Most child sexual abuse takes place within families. Therefore 10% of most child abuse is likely to be grandfather/grandchild.

Don't mention it and NEVER have them back with unguarded access.

I’ve got no doubt it happens although I’ve no idea what the stats are.

Do I think it has happened here? No. Not on what has been said. Although I can’t possibly know.

The thing is, if in the event that nothing untoward happened, these grandparents have been more or less accused of abuse.

There is no way back.

Even if they dare to see the grandchildren again, they will be so on edge and awkward that the grandchildren will pick up on it and wonder what they’ve done wrong.

Abusers deserve everything that comes to them and every accusation needs to cut like a thousand blades.

Imagine that if you were accused when you hadn’t done anything. Imagine the hurt the grandparents will feel.

Imagine how it will be for them when the story gets round.

Because it will.

Utterly deserved if they did anything awful.

Utterly devastating and undeserved if they did not.

You need professional help, someone who knows about sexual abuse. Children will never ever show any signs. Never.
The only sign they show is that they start to play sexual games with their friends.
But they never show upset or embarassment or any other behaviour you might expect.
They dont understand its wrong, they just know its secret.
Hopefuly nothing happened this time. But thats how grooming begins.
What worries me in this scenario is that granny is just letting it happen.
Normally a woman would have a 4yo girl by her side, its typical. Especially at night.

In abusive situations, women just give space to the abuser, pretending they dont know what for. They really block it out.

I would be furious too. FIL may have been completely innocent and well meaning but that would still give me the ick and set off some alarm bells. Some adults do kiss children on the lips. I think it's gross but it can be innocent.

MIL sleeping in your bed is just weird and unnecessary. Did she give a reason why?

I would ask DH if this is how they were when he was a kid and believe it's normal behaviour (which is possible) but I would not ask them to stay overnight to babysit again as this is a disregard of boundaries at the very least.

DH needs the have a word. They are his parents and this is his responsibility.l to sort out.

It's totally unacceptable. Anybody with half a brain would know that.

WTF have I just read?
Get them out of your house immediately as a safeguarding precaution. Who with a sane mind would think, no darling, you share the bed with our 4 year granddaughter whilst I take a snooze in my son's bed, and don't forget to give her a kiss on the lips in bed...eh?
GET THEM OUT!

TBH it’s all become very odd, OP is almost determined to find something wrong.

The explanation of the in laws seems like it makes sense, MIL has health issues and needs sleep to cope with them, she wasn’t going to sleep in a bunk bed.
Granddaughter was struggling to sleep and asked for grandad, he slept in with her so she settled and the 9 year old was in their bunk bed… The kiss on the lips was probably when they were all getting ready for bed and getting kissed good night.
We’ve jumped from this scenario which is from the OPs own updates to some people deciding something awful has happened, he must be abusing his grandchild/ren.

That's not the question I asked though.

What exactly are the stats on the percentage of grandparents who sexually assault their grandchildren?