In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

[Jfhsjdhrhdb]

I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

Nonsense. Also unhelpful and unempathetic.

OP left her DC with her in-laws having made arrangements about who would sleep where. These were communicated to her in laws. Her in laws ignored accepted norms about male relatives not sleeping with female children and basic courtesies when you're in some-one else's house of sleeping in the bed you're given.

OP was distressed by what she found when she returned home. She came her for advice and was given a wide spectrum trump of views and suggestions. At one extreme she is advised to roll with what happened, at the other to contact the police to report suspected sexualnabuse. Logically, she could not have done both. She has chosen her approach and carried it out: having a difficult conversation with her in laws and making the decision they will not be left in charge overnight again.

Posted in solidarity with OP.

My DD seemed fine yesterday. Her normal self. I need to chat to her at a time when she’s calm and on her own. While I’m sure nothing happened, of course I absolutely need to probe it further with her.

Probe what? You've already spoken to her about this, she said that nothing happened other than the kiss, you're sure nothing happened. Yet you're going to try to dig deeper? That's really not in your child's interest.

You seem to be determined to damage the relationship between the grandparents (who you don't like) and the grandchild. Not just by upsetting the grandparents, but by making DD feel that there's something unsettling about her grandfather.

I agree with this. I feel very sorry for the grandparents and child in all this.

I’m very sorry for all the PP’s who were abused as children but the vast majority of children are not abused by their grandfathers.

How deeply upsetting for the grandfather to be accused of behaving inappropriately. And to then insinuate the same thing to the poor 4 year old by continuing to “probe” is very sad.

For those who say but you never know… so what is the answer? Never let your child be alone with a male family member? Because abuse can happen anywhere at any time. What about their father? Should children never share a bed with their father because some dads abuse their daughters?

Asking again, is this the first time in 9 years they have looked after the children?

Oh my word. Weird and bang out of order.

No way would I let them look after my Dcs again.

And I would have to ask more questions about the kissing on the lips.

Why did they do this?

How on earth do you know who the vast majority of children are abused by?

The vast majority of children are in fact abused by family members. Not the stranger on the street corner.

And yes, the gps absolutely should be very careful about sleeping arrangements etc. They were presumptuous and inappropriate

The safety of children is paramount of course.

I don’t think it will be a problem in the future.

No-one in the family will want to go round in case they are accused of anything untoward.

We don't know how old the GPs are but there really is no excuse for not being aware of sensitivities around dealing with small children. 30 years ago, a 5-year old girl who was the daughter of some friends I was staying with told me that her bottom was sore when it was my turn to put her to bed. Without hesitation, I asked if it was OK for me to tell her dad (her parents were separated) so he could have a look. That was because I knew things could look very bad for me, even as a woman, if she said something at school and it got distorted.

The vast majority of children aren’t abused, by their grandfathers or anyone else. The majority of men are not pedophiles.

To say that most children who are abused are abused by family members is correct but that’s not what I was saying.

This.
Absolutely do not probe further. You have already had a discussion with DD, so no need to raise it again.

OP did you address the lip-kissing or is that something they've always done and did with your DH?

Why do you need to probe further? She isn't acting strange and she hasn't given you any reason to believe there is anything more to this?

Agreed!

Not sure why you feel the need to probe further, you need to be very careful when questioning your daughter not to ask leading questions or make her think that her first answers were wrong and you are waiting to hear something else.
You’ve spoken to your IL, you won’t allow them to look after them again and you are now aware that they can’t physically cope with doing so.
Does your DH think your 4 year old needs to be questioning?! Surely he can confirm if they usually kiss children on the mouth/co sleep from his own childhood….

Please stop questioning your dd...suggestive questioning is damaging to dd and IF anything untoward comes tonight your quizzing her would go against any case.

Ime.

Sadly.
The fact dd suggested it likely means nothing bad has happened previously..and if anything happened this time trust me in reflection you would know.

Again ime.

I don't think this man needs to be condemned to abuser status, from what you've described here, but you don't have to feel comfortable about it and can take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Is your 9 year old a boy or a girl? I might have missed it. If a girl, did you ever have any concerns when she was younger? I’m wondering if maybe you’ve had nagging feelings for years that you couldn’t quite place until now.

I agree with this, @lessglittermoremud and @Macarena1980

OP does seem intent on carrying this on and its not to the benefit of anyone now.

While I’m sure nothing happened, of course I absolutely need to probe it further with her.

That makes no sense to me.

I you are sure nothing happened then what is there to "probe".

If you think that what she has already said needs further "probing" then surely a professional is needed?

Her MIL has health issues and needed sleep, that's why it wasn't her.

How old are they? I'd say I'm a 60s baby and we never had the thoughts you do today. My Grandad was the best person in the world to me I was closer to him than my parents and remember sharing a caravan bed with him mainly because there wasn't other space when I was primary school age, these thoughts never crossed our mind. So sad the world has gone so perverted and pornified.

I am a 60s baby too. On balance, it's better that there is greater awareness of sexual abuse than there was when we were children. It has had the undesirable consequence of 'safe' fathers questioning whether they should be caring for their small daughters.

Either you believe it his man is a sexual predator or you don’t. If you do, why leave him to care for your child unsupervised by you? Sharing a bed with her at night makes no real difference to the access he had to her while you were away in that regard.
Seems to me you dislike them and now suddenly this same grandfather you felt was safe enough to leave her in the care of is now “dangerous”

What a gigantic leap?!