In-laws shared beds with 4 year old DD and used my bedroom while babysitting

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I’ve changed my name because I’ve told a couple of people in real life about this and don’t want the link.

My DH and I have been away for a couple of nights without the kids (9 and 4). His parents looked after the kids the last two nights. We have 3 double bedrooms and then one kid’s bedroom with bunk beds.

We had one of the doubles set up as the spare room that the in laws always sleep in, with the usual fresh bedding etc. The second double has my 9 year old in. The third double is mine and my husband’s bedroom, the bedroom with bunk beds is where my 4 year old sleeps.

On the second night my DH parents (my children’s grandparents) decided that my 4 year old should sleep in the spare room with Grandpa (my FIL). My MIL got into my and DH bed (our bedroom not ready for guests, no clean bedding, things like medication left out).

I’m furious. Partially because I don’t think it’s appropriate for a grandfather to decide to sleep in a bed with his granddaughter who is 4. I’ve asked her whether it was ok. She understands the PANTS rules. She said that grandpa kissed her on the lips.

Secondly my MIL getting into my bed is a massive breach of privacy.

I don’t like my PIL so that may be clouding my judgement, but how they acted isn’t ok, right? What do I (my DH) do?

this is a major safeguarding flag, as has been mentioned.

Don’t allow any further contact at all between FIL and DD unless you are physically present in the same room and involved in conversation.

Let DH speak to his parents, I wouldn’t get involved in that conversation and I wouldn’t go nuclear now in fact I’d say as little as possible to him in case this needs to go further and what you say is twisted somehow.

I’d plan to be very low contact with them in the future regardless of how the conversation ends up. I’m sorry - but be prepared for more to come to the surface here; historic stuff I mean, not with regards to your child.

Not ok AT ALL 🚩🚩🚩

I'd hate these things happening too. But I think it's worth adding that it is of course possible at least (even probable) that there is no question of SA. E.g. I hate it but some people do kiss children on the lips. I would thread carefully while at the same time going to proper lengths to figure it out. But what you need right now is distance from your dh's parents. If you make a serious allegation now that turns out wrong, serious and lasting damage could be done. Could you make up a reason to leave with the dc now? Then your dh could talk to his parents alone and you won't say something in the heat of the moment you might regret later

Did your in-laws kiss their own children on the lips as young children? Not really appropriate from grandparents IMO, but between parents and children it's definitely within the realms of normal.

It is also possible that one of the reasons FIL was relaxed about the bed-sharing is because he knew they would be safe? I just mean that there are things I wouldn't do with other people's children (like share a bed) that I know in actuality they'd be perfectly safe doing. Also just to slightly balance out the 'FIL is definitely a paedophile' posts.

Do they usually sleep in seperate bedrooms at home ?
Would you have been ok if MIL slept in bed with 4 year old ?
I would never kiss anyone on lips whatever the relationship is.
Just trying to work out the context .

Umm I’m a grandparent and have babysat and holidayed with the grandkids and it’s often a case of musical beds.
I’ve commandeered the main bedroom, living room and generally consider any flat sleeping surface okay.
Dh doesn’t like sleeping with kids and although may settle them will sneak out to a couch.
Kissing isn’t our thing.

I don't understand why MIL slept in your bed instead of the guest room set up for them?

Nope don't have a problem who sleeps where since our wee kids chop and change when we are there to...for someone who says they don't like this family but quite happily made use of them for childcare says it all tbh. Kissing on the lips at that age our girls do it all the time age 3 and it didn't affect our teens who gave up doing it from 5, just random for goodness sake

Because FIL was in there with my 4 year old.

Thanks. This is the reason I need opinions because I don’t know if I’m being clouded by my feelings about them. They looked after the kids because they wanted to, I didn’t force or asks. I do appreciate the break though.

No non-predatory grandad chooses to sleep in a bed with a 4yr old girl and kiss her on the lips. Zero.

Did he kiss her on the lips in bed?

I wouldn’t hate anyone in my bed when we’ve not agreed. But sleeping in the same bed is not ok and especially not kiss on the lips. Does he usually do that? I know for some families it’s seen as ok.

Are the beds just a double size and they thought it would be too small for 2 adults and a 4yr old?
What was the reason MIL gave for sleeping in your bed? bizarre.

Is your DH concerned too?

The kissing on the lips can be completely ok. My Dad used to do this in a completely. It weird way. He stopped when asked though.

Some people are very casual about sharing beds. My husbands family are and I am usually although wouldn’t ever want to share a bed that the in-laws have slept in. I guess it could have been an unplanned thing.

I think it’s crazy to let people you don’t like watch look after your kids for a few days. That’s going to guarantee drama and bad feeling.

If i were you I'd be asking your 4yo dd a lot of questions. But open questions, and not all at once. Create time and space for her to tell you absolutely everything that did and did not happen in bed with grandad. Try to make it clear that you won't be cross checking her story with Grandad's version.

Do not bother to confront Grandad. It is what she says that matters. Do not leave the kids alone with him again until they are much older.

Also emphasise to her that she can tell you anything, and that she can tell her class teacher anything.

Thank you all for the advice. It’s really appreciated. Especially about how to handle it with her.

Medicine should always be locked away from kids. How does your DH feel?

We kiss on the lips. My kids are three and five. When they stay at grandparents one or both often end up in bed with them. It's different and unsettling being looked after by someone else, and if everyone had already had a disturbed night's sleep I think that arrangement made sense. It's a bit awkward about the unmade up bed but the medication situation is something you've been lucky to get away with for so long - it needs storing properly.

If 4 year old was upset/unsettled in the night, why didn't:

A) MIL sleep in double bed with her
B) one of them sleep in the other bunk bed, so nearby but not actually the same bed?

Don't know what to make of the kissing that sounds very weird. Does FIL kiss the kids in front of you?

How is your 4 year old behaving since you've come home?

This also gives me the ick - my 5 year old son has recently started kissing me (his mother) on the lips and I'm trying to shut it down. I've asked him to kiss me on the cheek instead but he sneaks one on the lips whenever he can.

He only started doing this after they had a PSHCE sort of session in school that I know covered the PANTS rule and not lifting up girls skirts/dresses - which he has also started to do since then (just my dresses as far as a I know!). I wonder if kissing on the lips was covered in that session too. Unfortunately the session seemed to plant the idea to do these things in the heads of children who weren't previously doing these things!

Hi op
Sometimes where little kids are involved things don’t always go to plan. Maybe not ideal that mil slept in your unwashed bed but not really the end of the world.
Fil sleeping in bed with your daughter, again not ideal, but not the end of the world. I’m assuming you trust this man.
Could it be that he lay beside your daughter to get her to go to sleep then he fell asleep, mil didn’t want to wake him incase they disturbed your little one ?
If this happened to me I would be cringing inside that mil had slept in my unwashed bed sheets but really it’s no big deal.
Sounds like loving grandparents trying their best to make sure everyone had a good nights sleep.
No one has ever looked after my child overnight because his grandparents are too old and at 3 years old he still doesn’t sleep through the night. If you trust your in-laws to look after the kids then thats a great thing that they will do it for you.

Has FIL ever kissed the kids on the lips before? I suppose if he did it regularly in front of other adults that suggests that his intentions are not malicious (i.e. he doesn't feel the need to hide it because, in his mind at least, he's doing nothing wrong).

If however he's never done it before and waited until he was alone with your child to do it for the first time, that suggests to me that his intentions very much are malign.

(FWIW I don't think anyone needs to kiss kids on the lips ever but I know different families are a bit different).

The OP didn’t say her husband was downplaying it in her first post? She didn’t mention what he thought at all