I am going to cancel my holiday - friends think I am silly.

[Willowcosmos]

I had the most wonderful friend since schooldays sadly she died suddenly. I saw her every week and I will miss her so much. Her elderly father has arranged the funeral - he did it in a rush without consulting her siblings and friends. It is right in the middle of the week I am on a solo coach trip to Portugal
I have made the decision to go to the funeral- I can’t bear the thought of not being there and I just wouldn’t enjoy the trip.
My other friends think I am crazy - they say I will lose all my money as insurance won’t cover it ( about £800) and that my friend would want me to go and that it’s just for a few hours and what’s the point …but I know it’s what I really want - I am not religious - I know my friend won’t know but just deep down - I want to be there -
I guess what most people will think but would anyone do the same.

I was also in a very extreme state of grief, (and still am). I wasn’t thinking particular clearly and was unable to make decisions, hence asking if she needed me.

I didn’t know what the right thing to do was, back at that time. The idea of going away had been my focus and had been keeping me alive for the previous three to four months. But yes I should have cancelled it . I think about it often.

Do what you need to … you don’t want to live with regret, and probably won’t enjoy your holiday anyway. Can you move it?

Go to the funeral x

A relative of mine lives abroad and whenever there has been a funeral they couldn’t attend back home they’ve gone to a local church and lit a candle and sat and sent a pic. Maybe this is something you could do. If you think your friend would want you to still go speak to her dad and mention this and that you will do that. Also a lot of funerals not you can watch on a stream: just because you’ve not been there for the funeral it doesn’t mean you haven’t been there for them in life x

Two years ago an old friend died, she was only mid 40’s and it was such a shock, we had everything in place to go to her funeral, but the night before almost all my family came down with a sickness bug, it was just impossible to go. I still feel really sad about this.

If they had streamed it online that would have felt much better, is this an option for your friends funeral? You could offer to pay, watch from abroad, still go to Portugal light an candle in a church for her and be around friends during this really terrible time…? Sending love to you.

I would wonder at "friends" calling you silly.

I cried solidly for a week, the first time in my life. Neither my husband of 30 years, nor my children had ever seen me even a fraction as upset.

The combination of the shock and the suddeness of a fit woman dropping dead was too unbelievable for me to compute.

Thankfully my other dear friends were incredibly supportive....for a long time afterwards.

Funnily enough one of my other dear friends lost her bestie of decades in a similar manner a month later.
She too was in a fog for a long time.

Never under estimate just how dear a female friendship can be.
For many women they are emotionally closer to their girlfriends of decades than their husbands.

In Ireland, people wouldn't think twice about cancelling. Making time to celebrate lives of the people we love, gathering together, grieving together is valued and considered as essential part of the grieving process. Trust your gut.

I think funerals are an important part of the grieving process. I would go to the funeral.
The £800 is spent now and you're not getting it back whether you go on holiday or not, it was money you had already decided you were able to afford to part with for something non essential. Perhaps you will be able to change the dates if you ask.
Very sorry for your loss.

You do what you feel is right OP. Portugal will always be there. You go an pay your respects to your dear friend. I'm sorry for your loss 💐

Dm and df had booked a month's holiday to USA with my aunt (dm's sister). It had actually been booked for 2020 but was obviously cancelled and it was rearranged eventually for July 2022. My uncle hated flying so wasn't going. Anyway my uncle died unexpectedly of covid just before they were going away. The funeral was whilst they were away. Obviously aunty didn't go on holiday but my parents went. Yesterday dm was saying she wished they hadn't.

It’s not too late to maybe write to her? If she was important to you, which it sounds like she was

Have you talked to your holiday provider to ask if they might let you move the dates given the sad circumstances?

Was there lots of drama and arguments between you and your friend @Willowcosmos ? Hence your other friends thinking it odd to cancel a much wanted holiday for someone that you used to tell them lots of stories of arguments and drama?

Presuming not, then you need new friends

Do what’s right to you. Sod the opinions of others, you would regret not going to the funeral but I don’t think you’d regret not going away.

I am estranged from my grandparents, I found out my grandmother died on my wedding day through a fb post my cousin posted. I rearranged my honeymoon to attend the funeral even though I hadn’t spoken to her in years, for no other reason that I didn’t want to regret the opportunity. I had a nice conversation with my grandfather but there isn’t any love lost between us. And I’m glad I was able to pay my respects.

There's no right or wrong answer, only what feels right or wrong to you and your grief.
If you know your grief needs this closure and goodbye, then there will always be another holiday.
If you know that pragmatically, your friend won't know either way if you are physically there, then perhaps go on holiday but do something to honour her that day for your own closure and grief process?

Really? Omg. If you were my granddaughter with whom I wasn’t close to - I’d have feel distraught at the idea my GD had upended her honeymoon plans for my sake or to make small talk with her GF!

were you even wanted? If no contact and had only heard via a FB post

Thanks for your encouragement, @Hotcurrent, maybe I will?

I couldn’t have gone again a month or two or three months later as I’d booked when it was slightly out of season (and therefore within reach). I was really struggling (financially) then in a way I’m not (so much) now. Now, I could let it go with a shrug. But maybe even more than this - the thought of it was a real chink of light that had been keeping me going through an exceptionally dark time.

none of which excuses the fact that I made the wrong call.

sorry to hijack your thread, @op. Don’t he like me!

I’m so sorry. You sound like a lovely friend. I do think funerals matter and I
would cancel also.

This was a friend who dropped everything and came to you the weekend your husband died. This isn’t a run of the mill friend. Definitely write. If she doesn’t respond, at least you’ll get some kind of “closure”

It was a bit after he died, but yes, she did. I don’t think my apology would cut any ice with her though. Another friend of mine who met her a couple of times described her as ‘quite a hard person’ last weekend, which she is (very unforgiving).

The friend (I’m now estranged from) is very confident and yes, a little hard, but these were the things I really liked about her! I suspect the damage is irreversible.

Shame, so you won’t

I would definitely go to the funeral. But instead of losing the money could you see if you can switch the days and fly out after the funeral? I think that would be lovely too and get you away.

sorry for your loss.

@Willowcosmos I’m sorry for your loss, and I’d go to the funeral, but is it too late for a date change to your holiday, you may not lose the whole cost if you can amend it

I think he appreciated me there. We weren’t close because of my grandmother. As a child he would visit us in secret behind her back.
she never acknowledged us as my fathers children (only ever interested in my cousins, my aunties children) both my dad and my auntie committed suicide when I was a child (my dad when I was 14months, my auntie when I was 5) my mum tried to maintain our relationship but she was vile to us all- including my cousins if they tried to talk to us. So my mum removed us from it all, my grandad would always come in secret, and she’d always let him in. She was estranged from her own mother and siblings all of which we remained in contact with. so I think I went for him, but our relationship was not recoverable. I hear he’s happy and traveling something imhe couldn’t do because of her. So that brings me peace.
i rearranged it by a day. We cut our loses on the cheap flights, booked some more, and the hotel were very kind and altered our booking. We missed 1 of our 3 day adventures around Barcelona prior to boarding a cruise. My husband supported my decision to do this because he understands me and my desire to find peace in my life