I am going to cancel my holiday - friends think I am silly.

[Willowcosmos]

I had the most wonderful friend since schooldays sadly she died suddenly. I saw her every week and I will miss her so much. Her elderly father has arranged the funeral - he did it in a rush without consulting her siblings and friends. It is right in the middle of the week I am on a solo coach trip to Portugal
I have made the decision to go to the funeral- I can’t bear the thought of not being there and I just wouldn’t enjoy the trip.
My other friends think I am crazy - they say I will lose all my money as insurance won’t cover it ( about £800) and that my friend would want me to go and that it’s just for a few hours and what’s the point …but I know it’s what I really want - I am not religious - I know my friend won’t know but just deep down - I want to be there -
I guess what most people will think but would anyone do the same.

I cancelled a holiday this year to go to a friend's funeral. I don't personally set much store by funerals, but my friend's widow (also a friend) organised a traditional service, so I knew it was important to her. And I wanted to support her.
I also felt that I would enjoy my trip if I had gone.
I love my holidays, but sometimes we just have to suck it up and do what we think is best. The money side is annoying but, ultimately, irrelevant.

Good for you, I agree with your decision. I can't image saying "my dearest best friend died but I didn't go to their funeral because it clashed with my holiday." Quite surprised to see people saying that. At least now you know what you can expect from your other friends if you die!

Some things are more important that holidays and money.

I do understand people who can't handle funerals for other reasons.

Sorry for your loss.

I don’t think you’re being silly at all. There’s no right and wrong answer to this, you’re not putting anyone else out. I’d guess you’d probably be very unhappy on the funeral day alone on a coach full of strangers - holidays are for pleasure and if they’re more likely to bring pain or stress than not going then don’t go!

Some funeral services are broadcasted live over the internet... Could this be an option instead?

I am sorry for your loss. I would go to the funeral
too. It would be very important for my grieving process, especially in a sudden loss like that, to be able to talk about my friend with others who loved her.
you might be able to change your holiday to another time.

Too late to edit my mistake..... should say "I wouldn't have enjoyed my trip if I had gone"!

I totally understand. I’d rather loose the money.

It’s always worth asking the travel company if you can change the date. Explain the situation and you never know they might be kind. Sorry for your loss.

can you ask for it to be streamed?

I can't imagine going on a holiday when a close friend had recently died, I would 100% cancel and attend the funeral.

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope the friends that are questioning your plans are otherwise being supportive in your time of grief.

Id do the same as you OP. it’s not about religion, it’s about being part of a formal event to say goodbye to your friend and to give support to her family . They will be touched to see how much she mattered to so many people.

Please check the details of your travel insurance policy - unless you’ve done so you can’t be sure what it will or won’t cover.

Have you seen the film Stand by Me? There is a line where the narrator says

"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"

You grow up together you, it’s very different. I had my closest friend ever from school die 6 years ago. She was only 54. It was a shock and also a life changing moment because that was one of the main reasons both DH and I decided to retire early so we could have actual time together.

People talk about soulmates in the romance sense you can have them as friends.

I would have done the same and sending my best to you at such a sad time.

The only context that I could remotely understand your “friends” calling you silly you this Op is if you had loads of drama with this friend who has passed and your other friends knew all about it because you’d tell them at length

In your granny’s shoes, I would have actively not wanted you to come.

I know you've made up your mind, so just adding that I also think you should attend the funeral - it will be important to her dad to see you there.
Am very sorry for your loss x

Your friends have a point but ultimately it's up to you. If you want to go to the funeral to such a degree you won't enjoy the coach trip to Portugal, then go to the funeral. There's no right or wrong if that's what you're worried about it. Can you play for time for a bit and see if you feel the same in a week or so?

Hopefully your friends just want to let you know it would be 'ok' if you decided not to go to the funeral, but if you want to go and cancel your holiday, you should.

I don’t think it’s any of your friends’ business. Don’t assume you’ve lost all the holiday though, hotels are sometimes willing to move the dates to a bit later, without bothering the insurance. We managed to do this one year when we lost a passport.

Something similar happened to me. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. My friend travelled 50 miles to spend a weekend with me. I was enormously grateful to her.

Shortly afterwards, her father died. Unfortunately, I’d arranged a week away to recover from my own loss when it was his funeral. His funeral was either day one or day two of my holiday. I tried to rearrange it but the cost of shifting days was almost as expensive as the holiday. At that point in time, I had little money, no savings and a low income. But it wasn’t just that: I’d arranged annual leave (which was a real faff where I was working) and if i’d cancelled the holiday, I’d have had to spend a whole week of my leave at home, (not in summer) doing nothing. I cared about my friend but wasnt close to her dad at all. I told her the situation, and she said (I think, but it was a difficult time for both of us, so it’s hazy) to go on the holiday, which I did.

She then ghosted me and never spoke to me again. I often think of it and wonder who was most unreasonable, me or her? I think both. I should have cancelled, but my god, I was sooo looking forward to that holiday and I’d had a terrible time.

You know what you need to do. You only get one chance to say goodbye and may regret it if you don’t. This is about you not your friends opinions.

I told her the situation, and she said (I think, but it was a difficult time for both of us, so it’s hazy) to go on the holiday, which I did.

It could have been this part to be honest, you put the decision of whether you attended the funeral or not squarely on her shoulders, and at a time where she really needed you, she would also have felt incredibly guilty making you miss the holiday for her, and she may have thought you would hold it against her, you gave her no choice basically.

I wouldn't have minded either way what decision you made off your own back, especially if you had tried to change the holiday but couldn't, but I'd have resented a friend putting me in such an awful position of being the 'good guy' or 'bad guy', you had obviously made the decision to go on the holiday, but you essentially forced her to say it was okay so you could go off on your holiday guilt free.

Sounds like a horrible time for you both, but I'm not surprised she re-evaluated the friendship after that.

I know. I should have cancelled. I did make it very clear to her that if she really needed and wanted me there, then I’d be there. But she suggested I go on the holiday. Her family are extremely well connected and well supported by an extensive and wide range of people. If they’d been isolated, with few mourners, i would definitely have cancelled, but it was standing room only in the crematorium. It was very well attended. Rightly or wrongly, this influenced my decision.

If it had been reversed, I’d have said, ‘please, if you can manage it, can you be there? I really need you’, but that isn’t what she said.

Even so, you’re right. I should have gone. It can’t be salvaged now, so it’s another loss to the increasing tally.

I had a similar dilemma when my mum passed last year. We brought the funeral forward so I could take some of her ashes back to her country of birth and scatter them with her mum and brothers. I would have found it very hard to cancel my hols or miss the funeral. Taking her ashes with me helped a lot.

Oh to ask the grieving whether you should cancel your holiday to attend the funeral of their loved one is not on. In any scenario whatsoever.

You should do exactly what you want to do and ignore everyone else. I can absolutely imagine cancelling a holiday for the funeral of a very close friend. You can take the holiday any time. It's only money. Some things are more important.

Not to say that anyone who would take the holiday instead is wrong. I think it is very personal. Some people would feel no huge pull to be at the funeral and that doesn't make them a less good friend.