I am going to cancel my holiday - friends think I am silly.

[Willowcosmos]

I had the most wonderful friend since schooldays sadly she died suddenly. I saw her every week and I will miss her so much. Her elderly father has arranged the funeral - he did it in a rush without consulting her siblings and friends. It is right in the middle of the week I am on a solo coach trip to Portugal
I have made the decision to go to the funeral- I can’t bear the thought of not being there and I just wouldn’t enjoy the trip.
My other friends think I am crazy - they say I will lose all my money as insurance won’t cover it ( about £800) and that my friend would want me to go and that it’s just for a few hours and what’s the point …but I know it’s what I really want - I am not religious - I know my friend won’t know but just deep down - I want to be there -
I guess what most people will think but would anyone do the same.

So sorry for your loss.

You do, whatever you feel you need to do.

I would still go on holiday then come back and see her to pay my respects.

On the thankfully few occasions I have been bereaved I’ve always felt very powerfully about “one of the last things I can do” for the person I am grieving.
funerals are for the living - if it’s something you really need to do for your own grief, then there is no need to justify yourself to anyone else. Portugal is not going anywhere.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I am fortunate to have a very strong friendship with my oldest friend who is like a brother to me. There is nowhere I would be other than his funeral should he pass before me.

It sounds like it is also important to you to say goodbye, you are doing this for yourself which is important xx

It's entirely up to you, you don't need permission from anyone else to lose your own £800 if not being at her funeral would always be a deep regret for you.

But you should only do it because you feel an emotional need to be there, to help with your own grief and your own closure. Not because you feel a sense of duty, or that you owe it to her or her family to be seen there. Or that you fear you'll be judged as uncaring if you don't go.

You need to do what's best for you. No one else. I'm sorry for your loss xx

My granddad died right before my husband and I were due to go on our (£5k) two week honeymoon to Japan. We went on the holiday as that’s what he would have wanted. I didn’t feel great about it but my mum (his daughter) insisted. On the day of the funeral we visited a shrine in Kyoto to say some prayers for him.

Is there any chance of just taking a day out of your coach trip and going back to rejoin it later?

I missed my ex boyfriend's funeral (motorbike accident) because I was away in France with DH and our young baby - I still feel really bad about it 17 years later. I didn't want to mess up the holiday for DH and I didn't want to travel home alone and be parted from my baby, so I chose to stay in France, but I felt dreadful about it. You are doing the right thing. Go with your instincts. There will be more holidays, but never another chance to attend your friend's funeral.

Absolutely it’s the right decision for you. The money really wouldn’t bother me that much. You can only say goodbye once and you will always regret it if you don’t. Your friends won’t get it. One day they might understand when it’s their cherished friend.

It’s just money at the end of the day, I would do the same as you. Sorry for your loss.

100% this. I’m culturally Catholic, I don’t know if that’s playing into my thought process, but I definitely would go to the funeral. I don’t think you’ll enjoy being away and I think funerals are a really important part of the grieving process.

But as @IAMFLUFFsays, I’d spend some time trying to speak to an actual human wherever you booked your holiday to see if you can move it. It might be a case of spending £100 more or so to change the dates, for example, which I think would be worth it. And I think you’ll welcome the break after the funeral.

But all those things you mention - a sense of duty, owing it to her family, not wantng to be seen as uncaring - ARE perfectly legitimate reasons for going too. We can't and shouldn't make decisions based solely on how we feel about something. I have never regretted doing the right thing, which as a member of society, as someone who has and who values a web of connections with other people, how can you always just suit yourself?

Technically you've already paid for the holiday so you've not lost anything by not going other than the experience of the trip. But see if they will move the dates, and go to the funeral. I lost a friend suddenly earlier this month too, even though we weren't close in the last five years, she was always there on facebook and it was a shock as we weren't expecting it at all.

I’d probably do the same as you. So sorry for your loss x

I’d do the same. Nothing would prevent me from attending a close friend’s funeral apart from being too ill to travel. I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐

I agree with this. Call the company and see if there is room for discretion.

What a lovely supportive thread OP. So sorry for your loss but hopefully you feel a bit less alone with your decision?

I’d absolutely do the same in your shoes @Willowcosmos Im so sorry for your loss.

I do actually have faith and in my mind I couldn’t not go to the funeral. I just asked my adult daughter what she’d do ( she’s a non believer) and without skipping a beat said she’d cancel the holiday too. I think it’s around respect for the living as well as the deceased

I think this is the right and best thing for you. You won't regret it. But if you stay in Portugal, you might always wonder and wish you'd been there.

Sending love 🩷.

I’d do the same.

Your money, your choice. However, have you considered flying back for the day? Might actually not be all that expensive and at least you can still enjoy the rest of your holiday.

I'm sorry for your loss.
If you were my friend, I'd want you to stay on holiday, have a toast to me and maybe light a candle or something and have a bloody brilliant time.
But there is no right or wrong answer and you need to do what is right for you.
It sounds like you are there with multiple people so you dont need to think about them.

Also Irish and agree it would be unthinkable not to go.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Losing a close friend is so hard, you're not in the immediate family where the sympathy is, rightly, aimed, and so are left almost floating around not knowing what to do with your own grief and a lot of times people don't understand.

She was a dear friend, of course you want to be there, I totally get it. Do what is right for you xxx