Engagement rings - "classic" or not?

[Cheeseandolivesplease]

I was talking to my husband tonight about engagement rings. He said that "most" women prefer the classic style of a solitare, or at least a solitare-like setting synonymous with a traditional engagement.
He said I was a (in a kindly teasing way) a "nightmare" as I insisted nothing would displease me more than a classic ring "similar to that of most other women" - hence why I chose my ring myself (tbh he was correct!!)
But it got me thinking - do "most" women really opt for this classic style?
Subsequent to that, I also pleasantly surprised him with retaining my Ms MyName and having a home birth, but I do like to do "me"! 😀

I changed to my husband's surname because I'd spent years being bullied over my maiden name. My husband's name is nothing amazing but I was free of unhappy memories.

@RevengeOfTheDirtyLaundry Could you have changed your name before marriage rather than waiting?

So what did he propose with if it wasn’t going to be your actual engagement ring?

Was it one he liked and assumed you would have it as your engagement ring but then you didn’t like it so you chose another one?

Or did he always know you’d want to choose your own engagement ring and so he just proposed with a random ring?

Sounds like you only care about challenging the patriarchy if it makes you look good and puts other women down. You realise that by dismissing other women as less than you then you are perpetuating the patriarchal view that women have weak minds?

Empowering women to happily be themselves is far more effective.

@ScaredButUnavoidable He just proposed with a "random" ring (not expensive) as he knew I'd want to chose my own and it wouldn't be in an "engagement" ring in terms of description or style.
It was lovely to go shopping for them together.

@CatamaranViper I don't agree that becoming a Mrs HisName is challenging the patriarchy at all.

Did I say that?

I think to suggest you chose that username ironically is quite a stretch yes. Why the heck would I assume you’re a Mrs? All I’m trying to kindly point out as others have done is that you come across quite sneering, as if by not taking the most popular choice you are superior. In fact the most popular choice is usually that for a good reason, that others have considered and are not just following the crowd. And I also would assume many of your life choices are as predictable as everyone else’s and you’re not quite as fascinating as you think you are.

@samantha9
So the reason most women still become a Mrs HisName upon marriage is because...? A good reason?

So many of these posts are so unnecessarily acerbic - classic mumsnet 😂

Not really - my sister wanted to change hers for the same reason, and our dad got really, really upset - the idea of changing it because we didn't like it hurt his feelings very much - so she didn't in the end (and she's never married so still has it).

My dad was quite a conventional person, and my mum had taken his name, so I knew he wouldn't get upset at my changing it for the reason of marriage, he'd expect me to.

@lightningatmidnight I agree. And I have given a reason as to why I think that might be?

@RevengeOfTheDirtyLaundry But in a way that's my point; changing (or not) changing a last name in order to keep a man "happy."

But he proposed to you. So that's still patriarchal. Surely you should have just discussed getting married and agreed to do so.

Well, my sister and I cared about our father's feelings - I make no apologies for that. We'd have done the same if it had been our mum's name.

I’m just baffled that you’re talking about fighting the patriarchy but your original post

• describes a conversation where your husband is teasing you about not being like “most women”
• you reference two of your supposed patriarchy fighting choices as “pleasantly surprising” your husband…a man

It’s just all a bit ironic. It seems like your original point was to point out how chuffed you and your husband are that you’ve made some choices that could be perceived as unconventional, you’ve been called out on looking down at other women’s choices and now you’ve turned it into a conversation about the patriarchy 😂

@ElegantlyDressing Well he didn't get down on one knee or anything like that so I wouldn't say it was really a proposal as such; we just agreed to marry. Chose our rings together soon afterwards.

Some people want to have the same surname as a whole family, whereas others don't mind.
I had my son before I married DH and we agreed that if DS was a girl they'd get my surname and if a boy, his. It just seemed like a fair roll of the dice. I hadn't realised how much it would bother me to not have the same surname as DS so once we married I took their name.
And before someone suggests it, our names did not work together.

Had it been the other way around and we had a DD, then it would have been DHs choice whether he changed his name to match us or not.

There are many reasons why women taken their husbands name other than just cos

@Guacattack My point is that the traditions of patriarchy tends to be an ingrained standpoint in many men. Yes he was surprised when I said I didn't want to be a Mrs Hisname, or have what he perceived to be a "classic" just hers only engagement ring. But not in a negative way.
Would most men be OK with also wearing an engagement ring or taking their wife's last name? I'm not sure?

@CatamaranViper We too all share the same family name.

I’m not sure anyone I know has a solitaire. And I’m not sure why it matters what people pick if it’s what they like. What on earth does home birth have to do with it?

I think most people take their husbands last name so they create a family name for them and their children. I think that’s a very good reason. For women who feel taking his name negates their past or identity many hyphenate. Some women take their husbands name to create that unit name but keep their own name professionally, to retain their identity and reputation. Less commonly couples agree to make a brand new name or both have the women’s maiden name to create a family name. Just because you wanted to keep your name on marriage does not mean everyone else has put no thought into it, they knew they had a choice and made
a different, thought out and more popular choice than you. I stand by that the most popular choices are made for good reasons. To insinuate everyone else walks blindly through life, getting a ring everyone else has, taking their husbands name ,asking for a c section , just because they’ve put no thought in to these decisions and you’re the
only deep thinker is incredibly arrogant.

You will have to explain it better
You have kept your name but share a family name?
Im confused

@x2boys We are all dbd. So MyFamilyName plus HisFamilyName. My daughter was born before we married and she was always dbd.

He proposed with a ring is what you said earlier. Patriarchal.