A Mumsnet Story

[HowDairy]

(Please humour me, I'm ill and thoroughly fed up of being ill!)

It was a dark and stormy night.
The wind was howling and it sounded menacing.
In the distance I could see...

That fed my extended family, who’d all arrived uninvited and

I shall be boiling up the old carcass soon, making my house smell —like a tannery— delicious. We can huddle round our delicious broth tonight by lamplight, playing our favourite October game of hide from the hiding from the Shein-decked kiddies begging for Halloween sweets. I was only saying to Joyce at the corner shop the other day…

I don't know what the world's coming to, I really don't.
Going around knocking on people's doors and asking for treats.
It's akin to begging that's what.
It were never like that in my day.
Me mam would've clipped me around the...

…”Ere”, said Joyce from the corner shop, “don’t knock it! Those multi bags of mini Haribo are paying for my new villa in Portugal!”

Portugal, I ask you…

well it's all very lovely and that, very sunny, but sometimes I worry about the....

fireworks going off ALREADY 🤷‍♀️and our poor pooch Hugo had to dash under our Christmas tree to escape the noise and

I'll log the issue with 101 after all they have nothing better to do I saw them queueing up in (the obviously local naice independent) coffee shop the other day.

And they snatched a table before ordering i mean what is

Becoming very obvious is that you don’t have a MIL problem you have a DH problem, and although it makes my teeth itch when

.... people call their dogs "fur babies"...

…but getting the story back on track, how is it possible that the clocks have gone back and another Summer has flown and gawn. T’was only yesterday I was railing about BBQ’s spiking my washing and the heat chaffing my (slender than a gazelle) thigh and now I’m considering “partywear” (which is an odd word) and how long after 12th might Janice up the road will keep her tree up this year.

As I am pondering, there has just been an almighty explosion from Jean next doors utility room…

Which was obviously Jean’s bowels after too much UPF and a second KFC in six months…

And I know this because of jeans frequent visitors, what could she be doing answering her door to..

The Avon Lady.

We all know she doesn't like to...

...wear make up since she started identifying as non binary. Perhaps the Avon lady is her...

Cover herself in that cheap muck. What would the school mums think, if she didn’t turn up sprayed in Chanel…

And dressed from head to toe in Cos ...

and wearing the school run dress and a pair of heeled ankle boots

Take parcels in for the neighbours but on the ring doorbell she can be seen with a full…

...bladder, hopping up and down because the Amazon man's in the loo...

....she thought the best thing to do was to log it with 101 because no-one should go to the toilet in the working day....

other than that horrible builder person who left an awful deposit in one of the three en-suites, that wouldn’t flush…the trauma, of course it was ‘logged’ with the police. They suggested l ltb (leave the bathroom) but what if the cleaner sees it tomorrow, she might…

...tell the neughbours that our towels are from the John Lewis basic range and that our hand soap is Bayliss and Harding..

...and she might wonder why we don't have a poo knife in the bathroom, but never mind...

Well I do mind,I don't have a poo knife in my canteen of cutlery I feel so