Ye Olde Worlde Mumsnette

[Sharrilanda]

Share some historical MN dilemmas and stories.
What kind of posts do you think we would be reading if MN was around in the good old days of yore?

Thy haffe been informed thy is to be blessed withe a female fruit.

And how could anyone know that without recourse to the Dark Arts? I fear the Witchfinder General must be notified eftsoons.

My sister's eldest girl is nigh on fourteen and still eating her head off at home. I think it high time she were wed, but my sister saith let children be children. Hath anyone a clue what she be talking about?

Yes indeede ! I showed your proclamation to my neighbour and she wished to pass on her praise for your comments. She would have given a large 👍 thumbs up but had both of hers chopped off at 4 years old for stealing a raisin on market day.

Haste ye not Mistress Larry!
Thy consulteth Mother Agatha up yonder, and she obliged thy to piddle on her toade which in due course turneth puce, thus she proclaimeth thy haffe been indeede blessed with female fruit!

Praise be.

I bow to thee. Your toad piddling beats my bluebottles and donkey dribble ... no question 😁😁😁😁

In truth, it it possible the young maid hath not as yet been troubled by Eve's Curse and not begun her monthly courses. I hath heard it can happen that some wenches do begin later than others. Your good sister could well be right that she is still a child and not yet ready for the marriage bed.

Do ye not be so quick to judge.

I mis-wrote my parchment, and did mean to quote @Larrythebloodycat

I wish someone would invent a bigger byrde that could serve for several meals. I roasted a peacocke last Yuletide but there was nothing left for ye Boxing Day currie.

Woman, be thee possessed?! I fear thou must be, for to reverse the glorious name of Heaven is a demon's trick, i'truth! As thy childe shall be a female, extra care must be taken to straiten her route in life - I suggest Had-Christ-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned. Though many other girl-children in ye Sunday School may be of that common name...

Aaah, but Mistress @Compash !
In thy haste to consulteth thee, thy did indeede forgeteth to inform thee the suggestion cameth forth from myne own Lord-Protector-Guardian-of-Thy-Loins-Deareste-Husbande-Myne.

Thus forth the female fruit shall be nameth Nevaeh Forbid and all shall rejoice in celebration at this here night's All Hallow's Knees Uppe at Olde Mother Brown's Barn.

Yea, mayhap, but the maid needeth to crack on with it if she is to fulfil the Lord's plan by pushing out a dozen babes and burying half of them before she perisheth in childbed at eight and twenty.

O wantons! How ye strut and crow, e'en as the cock crowed thrice to herald St Peter's betrayal, at the 'blessings' of thy girl-childern!

Knoweth thee not that the only true blessing be a fine, upright boy who shall grow to man's estate, and not the weak and silly daughters of Eve and all her guile?

(I doubt not that thee knoweth not, for thee do not pay right attention when thy husband or priest readeth to thee from the Good Booke...).

Eight and twenty? Why, the maiden shall be a crone by that age and have no business producing babes...

I'm due my first child in the spring (not sure of the exact date, but the baby quickened some time ago and spring makes sense when I count on my fingers).

DH has announced he wants to go on a pilgrimage to Canterbury with his mate Geoffrey in April. He will be away some weeks, and says spring is the time to do it, as that's the best time of year for the atmosphere.

AIBU to say he can't go on this lads jolly, or shall I just suck it up and accept childbirth is women's work that he has no part in?

Thy will not telleth falsehoodes Mistress @Newnametoday5 thy did indeede findeth the taske a tricky one but Mother Agatha's brethren was forthcoming with encouragement to directeth thy aim at the toade forcefully.
(Thy am afeared thy mayeth been too forceful , for the little fecker was all but washeth away in thy torrent of piddle 😳
Thy blameth the goode cydere that was free floweth at the previous nighte's shenanigans at Mistress Mildred's taverne).

I wouldn't risk letting him get anywhere near that Wyfe of Bathe. It's well known that she is a fast piece and is on the lookout for a sixth husband.

Thanks for the tip-off Mistress Larry. That settled it then, he's not going. He will have to find another means to save his immortal soul. Maybe I'll suggest he looks into indulgences - I've heard they are a good insurance against eternal damnation.

You are so right! These trips always start off in that Tabbard place! I warn you, it is a den of debauchery. They will tell you it’s just tales and stories, they are liars.

Ah to coddle one's offspringe: alas t'is an afflictione of wretched souls cursèd with male fruit only in these quarters of Mumsnette. My mother-by-legal-decree hath such afflictione and hath raised a 'man folk childe' in her sonne, my DH (Detested Hosbande).

I am with child again. This keeps on happening and we only have a small house. Can anyone explain how those babies get in there?

Fantastic Idea for a thread OP. Replies are brilliant! 👏

Forsooth! My idiot son of 13 summers hath now decided that it is against his principles to wash. I have always prided myself on my health and hygiene and insisteth that my family doth have an annual dip in the river, whethereth we are dirty or not!
Would it be unreasonable of me to insist of my lord and master that he throweth our son into the river to ensureth that he keeps up to our standards.
Especially as this giveth me the opportunity to seweth all our family into the new winter clothes that I have been busy in spinning, weaving and sewing.
Nothing is as pleasurable as a new set of clothes each year, worn after a refreshing dip in the river. Seeing also the many ducks, pigs, dogs and cows that also sporteth in the glorious, shining water.

Sin. 🤨

Seconded. Well done OP. Just read through it on the stage coach, late again and standing room only.

And some of the stories be but filth and lewdness and not suitable for the ears of anyone, let alone men of the cloth and ladies...

It is oft said that many of the male members have brains in their breeches.