DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

@mathanxiety are you asking if my children know when I’m menstruating? I doubt it. They also don’t know if I have a spot on my shoulder, am constipated, have a bladder infection or wax in my left ear. Why would they? I mentioned “the man I'm sleeping with” because I was going to say nobody knows particularly but then realise dh obviously does. I’m not much of a bodily function sharer and while I don’t particularly care if others are I’m irritated by the implication that it’s something I should change. Men shouldn’t be in womens spaces and women shouldn’t be in mens (and I am regularly massively impacted by this).

It’s so interesting how much more comfortable so many people are in telling women to reconsider their boundaries and feelings of dignity and safety because telling a man “no” is so much harder

Only on MN is it preferable for 3 year old girls to see a strangers penis than for said 3 year old girls to be in a locked cubicle with their dad...

Oh for god’s sake. You’re missing out a huge chunk of the problem here.
It is preferable for a three year old girl to go in the men’s toilets supervised by her dad than for a fully grown man to enter the women’s facilities even when accompanying a little girl.

My parents separated when I was a baby so my dad regularly had this dilemma, never went in the female toilets. We’d use the disabled loo tbh because he didn’t want to drag me in the mens either for the same reason as your DH.

As a PP said, why are they seeing penises in the male toilets? Unless the dad is lifting them over the side of the urinal to have a gawp they're highly unlikely to. The girls are safe - they are with their dad.

Surely if you can’t get to the cubicle without a full frontal at the urinals then the timer needs to be remodelled to accommodate all the users? If it’s filthy surely it needs to be cleaned more, you don’t just move into the cleaner space?

So rather than disabled spaces being used, or woman's spaces being used, why not make the space fit for purpose? It’s 2022, men look after children…

I am wondering if perhaps some places have a row of see through urinals just as you walk in?

@Hadjab Are you projecting your own feelings about penises here?

I am tired of reading that a penis is a 'shocking' sight for a toddler girl.

Why is a stranger's penis worse than one her dad or brother has? Where is your thinking coming from there?

These are (some) adult emotions being transferred to children.

A penis is a penis. It's bit of dangly flesh. A young child does not have any awareness of the sexual nature of one (we can assume.) And many will have seen their dad's or brother's .

AND I've seen men's loos when they are being cleaned. I've also been to France where the men's urinals are alongside the women's cubicles, so there is no choice other than to walk past a row of men, peeing.

But the men have their backs to the cubicles, There are solid screens down the sides of urinals. You'd be pushed to see a penis.

As PPs and me have said, this father needs to get his act together and take his girls to family friendly loos when he's out for the day, and find ways of going to the loo himself that don't involve using the women's!😡

In France many loos are unisex so the cubicles are right next to a row of urinals. I never saw a penis when using those loos.

And even if they do get an accidental glimpse, in the appropriate context it's not some dreadful thing.

I remember going in to the men's toilets with my dad when I was about 4 or 5. I remember the urinals, but it's just a memory, I'm not scarred by it, it was traumatic for me, I don't have negative conations because of it. It was just a toilet with men in there using them appropriately.

So, make it clear to such stores that you are not happy with that.

Until people do, and start voting with their purses and their feet, and choosing stores that provide a family bathroom, this encroachment into spaces fought for by others WILL continue.

Why is a stranger's penis worse than one her dad or brother has? Where is your thinking coming from there?

I completely agree with the final paragraph of you post and I think the risk of a child seeing an exposed penis in a gents loo is low but it is a significant safeguarding issue for children to think it is normal for them to see the genitals of adults they don't live with and are unrelated to. This is not about adults projecting but making sure children recognise that an adult stranger exposing their genitals to them is behaving inappropriately. One would hope that even in the home the exposure is incidental and unselfconscious rather than exhibitionist in nature.

I don’t think this man has put his convenience above every other woman and child needs, don’t be over dramatic.

it is a man who felt that the disgusting state of the mens toilets and the way these were been used by the inconsiderate males in there was not suitable.

i would rather my husband or any other man did this rather than wipe piss off a toilet seat or ask a complete stranger to accompany a small child to attend this task.

I am tired of reading that a penis is a 'shocking' sight for a toddler girl.

are you for real??? No child should be exposed to a grown man’s dick!! What planet do you live on…

But it's not the man using the ladies toilets it's his two 3yr old daughters!

I honestly couldn't get so worked up about this! Does he really pose as any threat while he's balancing his daughter on the loo? Would you prefer the little girls experience lots of strange men weeing in front of them?

They aren't "lots of strange" men. They are just men they don't know, they are fathers, sons, brothers and grandfathers and 99.9% will be respectful of a young child in the room. They are not "weeing in front of them", it is perfectly possible to take a child into a gents and all they will see if the back of a man peeing which is not traumatising for a young child in any way.

I would much rather that than they think a man in the women's toilets is normal.

are you for real??? No child should be exposed to a grown man’s dick!! What planet do you live on…

@Whataworldwelovei I am in the real world, unlike you it seems.

Do you have kids?

Has your child seen their dad's willy? Or their brother's?
Or gone to school and had sex education yet? (Okay that will be pics.)

You do realise that many families are really okay about nudism and walk around in the house, after a shower, and allow their children to see them naked?

Or are you just objecting to the 'dicks' as they are not in the family?

what is so scary about a flaccid penis? (not that an child would see one in the urinals anyway. men take out the least amount they need to pee, and they have their backs to the cubicles.)

Give your head a really good wobble. Human bodies are not disgusting or scary. Your idea of raising girls to think willies are scary, and something to be frightened of is actually far more shocking.

So a dad should take his boy to the ladies too? Or are you saying that you can't see the penis of a man at a urinal.

Your idea of raising girls to think willies are scary, and something to be frightened of is actually far more shocking

Isn’t that the rationale behind objecting to the mere presence of a man in women’s loos?

Thanks you for advice on giving my head a wobble, I am fine thanks.

I will stick with my opinion and would rather keep the dicks away from kids regardless if they belong to family members or strangers!!

you argument of comparing your adults family members walking around naked, although very odd but hey ho, in front of children is not comparable.

Maybe the poster of this comment should give their head a very hard wobble….

Yep, and weirdly dads of boys manage not to lift their children over the urinals, how very odd.

Sorry, that was not directed to Blossomtoes

So boys who go swimming or use public toilets should use the womens until their 18th birthday?