DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

I hope you're ok, it's horrible isn't it.
On this occasion mine was due to a clumsy waitress, but I can remember being a teenager and having an unexpected period whilst wearing a pastel blue skirt, and at least two of my friends have had similar issues during peri-menopause.
Elderly MIL had to help her friend in a ladies loo when she couldn't quite get there in time, since then they both always carry a spare pair of knickers.
I don't think it's that uncommon really and I would always be sympathetic to another woman trying to clean/ dry herself in a public loo.

So he doesn't even need to ask??

Fuck off with that!

What would he do if you had two little boys rather than two little girls and the men's toilets were grim?

He doesn’t need to ask or announce because he doesnt need to enter a women only toilet .

Maybe I would have the courage to speak up if there were other people in the toilets and not just me and entitled man

How to respond - I'd like to think that I'd speak up & say that I mind and ask him to leave. The reality is that I'd probably be too scared to - the kind of man who thinks it's ok to use the female toilets is probably the kind if man who isn't going to take kindly to a woman telling him no.

I don’t know how I would react, but I know that if I was sat on the toilet - you know, having a wee, changing my tampon, taking a shit maybe as you do when you’re in there - and some random man started shouting in asking/telling me he’s coming in, I would feel very uncomfortable and awkward. That’s despite having no past traumas or experiences with violence or abuse - so I can’t even imagine how a woman who has been through these things would feel. Way beyond just uncomfortable I’m sure!
And what if it’s a woman who doesn’t speak English?
Imagine you were on holiday abroad and some man started shouting in the local language at you from outside the cubicle mid piss and you didn’t understand what they were saying. Not a pleasant experience. It’s not fair to put women in that position.

I just asked DP what toilets he uses when he takes our daughters to the toilet and he gave me a weird look and said "the mens of course because im not a bloody woman" 🤣👏

He ushers them in, straight to a cubicle and cleans the seat if needed he says he does usually skip hand washing and uses sanitiser when they get outside.

DS age 7 has SN so if hes with us we use the accessible toilets. The looks we sometimes get is unbelievable though because we obviously look like we shouldnt be using them as he has a hidden disability and ive had many 'discussions' with people about it.

18 yo ds has been using the mens toilets alone for the past 11/12 years. He said he’s never seen another mans penis in all that time.

It seems odd to me to diminish and dismiss women's well-founded fears about men. But I hear the Met Police are hiring.

A man with a young child honestly wouldn’t bother me. As for trying to get hold of a radar key when a small child really needs to go, all I can say is, you might well need spare pants, and possibly trousers, too.

Not long ago I took my Gds (5) into the men’s loos in John Lewis - the ladies was closed for cleaning - we only just made it. ‘Granny, I really need to do a poo NOW!’

1. Lots of people protecting women’s facilities.
2. Lots of people not protecting disabled facilities.
3. Accessible facilities does NOT mean accessible to all, it means accessible to those with disabilities.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER your relaxed feelings about finding a man in a woman's space are irrelevant.You cannot give away other women's rights.

Unfortunately they are increasingly becoming to go to for everyone’s problem making the issues for people with disabilities even worse.

it has been explained over and over on this thread but people are happy to ignore the needs of disabled people if it inconveniences them

OP asked a genuine question that many people have wondered. What to do when the men’s loo is too dirty for a small child to use - particularly a girl who can’t stand up to use it.
“Wipe the seat” wasn’t a good enough answer if the toilet and floor were covered with shit. No point getting sniffy - it just didn’t adequately address the question.

@Thereisnolight I answered your question to me in a thoroughly adequate manner as did others. I even told you what I would do in the instance of finding a toilet awash with snit like in Trainspotting.

We can't help it if you have never progressed beyond the four-year-old stage of asking: "But why Mummy?" It's understandable in a small child but in an adult it gets on your tits and you start to think people are being dense or deliberately annoying.

Sometimes you have to work things out for yourself.

OP asked a genuine question that many people have wondered. What to do when the men’s loo is too dirty for a small child to use - particularly a girl who can’t stand up to use it.
“Wipe the seat” wasn’t a good enough answer if the toilet and floor were covered with shit. No point getting sniffy - it just didn’t adequately address the question.

I think because it’s a bit of a non-issue. Unless you are frequenting very questionable places with your DCs, why would you keep coming across toilet floors covered in shit? It’s like saying ‘what would you do if the men’s toilet had an escaped lion in it?’ It’s not a situation many have to ever deal with. So it doesn’t readily need a solution. I’ve got 4 DCs, both me and DH have managed fine taking them to the toilet on countless occasions and have yet to encounter this level of shit covered, cocks on display disaster zones.
OP wasn’t talking about a one time occurrence. Her DH is doing this on a regular basis. If he’s regularly encountering shit covered floors and men freely waving their dicks about then I’d be concerned about where he keeps taking those poor children. If he really must frequent these places or is just exceptionally unlucky in his choice of cafés, restaurants, soft play centres etc where he keeps encountering shameless men and apocalyptic diarrhoea explosions, maybe take an extra bag of anti-bac floor wipes, bleach and a toilet brush so he can clean up these lavatorial disaster zones that are forever in his path.

This is brilliant

You just didn’t come up with a good enough answer. I’m sorry.

What to do when the men’s loo is too dirty for a small child to use - particularly a girl who can’t stand up to use it.
“Wipe the seat” wasn’t a good enough answer if the toilet and floor were covered with shit

I mean that’s a massively exaggerated and unlikely situation but it NEVER EVER EVER EVER gives ANY man the right to just go and use the ladies. Ever. If he was on his own, he would put up with it. Presumably he wouldn’t take twin boys to the ladies. So to be blunt - the kids have to put up with it. They aren’t going to die or be traumatised from a dirty toilet. I don’t understand this weird fear of children having to face a few moments of inconsequential unpleasantness.

I think what you have to do is think, what would YOU do (assuming you’re female) if you went to the Ladies and it was filthy? I really struggle to believe you would use the Gents as an option. Why is this any different? If the agents are always unusable in this establishment then why would you take your children somewhere without adequate toilets???

you're not really sorry are you? I bet you're saying it with your fingers crossed behind your back like a four-year-old

I think the idea that the gents is always filthy is a bit strange. Probably in a pub or city centre not so strange but in a restaurant or theatre etc they're probably cleaned same as the ladies. I don't know if its still goes on but on evenings out if there was a queue for the ladies it was not uncommon for some brave soul to check the gents and then if clear women would use the gents.

From what I remember they weren't so much filthy as pretty basic.

Sometimes the answer is as simple as ‘suck it up, buttercup’ (and fuck off out of single sex woman’s only spaces).

He has no place in the ladies toilets. It’s totally inappropriate.

He needs to plan ahead with regards to toilets.

He should use the accessible toilet (it shouldn’t be called disabled toilet, as it needs to be used by anyone with issues with using the other facilities, E.g. me with a couple of toddlers, as we don’t all fit in a regular cubicle).

Yes, limitedperiodonly came up with very good and perfectly adequate responses for an adult with expected levels of intelligence.

I have in mind that saying about 'wrestling in the mud with a pig...'