DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

Correct - then there is a window where they can use the gents but only until they have children.

It's going to be really crowded in the ladies'.

Certainly explains the queuing issues in the ladies

I find it quite shocking that so many men would do this. My husband wouldn't dream of entering the ladies toilets for any reason, we have a son and a daughter and they go in the toilet of whichever parent takes them.

He would be highly uncomfortable waltzing into the womens loos and he also understand how highly uncomfortable that would make some women in there.

I find it quite shocking that so many men would do this. My husband wouldn't dream of entering the ladies toilets for any reason, we have a son and a daughter and they go in the toilet of whichever parent takes them.

Quite. The 'what-about <insert random scenario>' is really quite tiresome. Men do not belong in women's toilets, full stop. Most men know this and wouldn't want to access female only spaces...stop trying to blur boundaries which have worked quite well for decades. The toilets aren't labelled 'women and dads!'.

If I walked into a female toilet and seen a man I would think he was a weirdo and my guard would instantly be up - if we normalise this then I might think 'oh, a dads in here' - until I realise there's no kid

You never hear the opposite argument, I've yet to hear a woman say 'is it ok if I go into a man's loo if x,y,z?' I wouldn't even go into the mens with my DC if the womens were closed - I would have respect for their privacy, I don't see why that's so difficult to understand?

Is it beyond him to use a antibac wipe?

@lemmein It's strange. Until I looked at sites such as this or others on the internet, I just believed it was an unwritten rule that little kids just don't matter/count when it came to going into the toilet of the opposite sex; definitely children that still need help with their toileting. And that no adult would ever consider going into the one of the child's sex because people just didn't think that little children could violate the privacy or dignity of anyone. Now seeing all these posts asking where the adult should take the child, I must have been naive or underestimated the situation.

To me as long as he calls out/checks first then I wouldn't have a problem. My DH has had to go into the ladies a few times on his own because that's where the baby change facilities are in some places. When told this by staff he always checks with the staff and calls out to make sure nobody minds (usually he waits til they are empty if possible)

Where’s he taking them that the men’s toilets are so bad? Nightclubs and dodgy pubs? This is silly. DH takes DS out all the time and doesn’t use the women’s and when we’re out together never has he come back from the toilets and said ‘you need to take him because everyone is waving their dicks about and some bloke is taking a shit with the door open…’

I don’t understand the argument of “I can’t take my daughter into the mens because she might see men using a urinal”, no one seems to care about young boys being in women’s changing rooms and seeing women completely naked, but god forbid a young girl gets a glimpse of a penis 🙄

Really? I would be furious to find your husband the women's toilets. If there are no suitable facilities, he needs to find one. Or complain!

No, my issue is the risk of either myself or another woman being sexually assaulted in what is supposed to be a womens space. I know someone who this first hand happened to so it is a risk. I no longer let my DSD who is 13 go into the toilet alone.

Yep I'd be furious too - and terrified! Having a female child present is not an access pass to women's spaces! And people are speaking as if it's not possible for a father to also be a predator. Calling out makes not the sllightest bit of difference.
I'm absolutely disgusted that staff are giving the green light for this.

Fellow women - what can we do about this? Kick up an almighty stink if we see a man in the female loos? Complain vociferously to the establishment in which said toilets are located? Some kind of campaign telling men where they should take their daughters to the toilet? (seeing as it seems some really do need it spelled out to them). It shouldn't be down to us to have to protect our own goddamn spaces but it seems like it is.

And people are speaking as if it's not possible for a father to also be a predator

I think some people on here need to reflect on their partners because they seem to have an unhealthy interest in making excuses to go into the womens toilets.

It's not my purpose to facilitate men's lives or those of women who can't say to their husbands: "Why do you want to go in the women's toilets? Take her in the men's and wait inside the cubicle until she's finished and wipe her bum if she needs it. WTF do you think I do most of the time when I look after our kids?"

do you think your average 13 year old girl who was struggling to come to terms with starting her periods would be confident to say “no I would rather you didn’t come in”

You do realise that many families are really okay about nudism and walk around in the house, after a shower, and allow their children to see them naked?. Do you realise many don’t? There are lots of things many families do that we don’t accept them pushing on to the rest of society. It isn’t the case that because you don’t mind you get to invite men into the single sex women’s toilet being used by others.

As a disabled female, your DH is being VVVU and an utterly selfish arse. Why on earth does he think his DD's needs override all women's and disabled people's?

We have DSs but DH wouldn't go into ladies but he has said that men's toilets are awful usually. I don't blame your DH, OP. I understand his logic, he doesn't want his DDs to use manky facilities.

But what if the men’s loos in a particular location are genuinely really filthy? This would not be the case everywhere and a child would be fine to use them. But in a place where they are? Your son could stand up to pee and needn’t touch anything - but what about your DD?

Is this abject fear of coming into contact with a toilet seat one of those ‘only on MN’ things?

So he should leave a cafe with a baby that has done a poonami is uncommfortable and upset and just wonder around til he finds somewhere to change the baby????
He does it in the proper way and checks with staff unfortunately many places are not dad friendly for changing babies and he looks after the baby and toddler on his own. Complaining isn't going to magic a baby change facility in the gents toilets when the baby needs changed!

@Thereisnolight
Your son could stand up to pee and needn’t touch anything - but what about your DD?"

Where this has been the case, I've held my 3 year old over the loo and let her wee. It's not rocket science.

That is true I guess.

The average 13 year old girl isn't going to be alone in the cafes he has had to do it in on the occasion when he's been out on his own and the baby has done a poo.

I mean what do you lot all do when there is a male attendant in operation at toilet facilities do you walk out and refuse to use them????

Why wouldn't 13 year olds be alone in a cafe? My 13 year old daughter is always out socialising with her friends & presumably uses public toilets when she needs to.