I just don't understaaaaaaaand...

[OneMoreForExtra]

... why i don't lose weight. I never eat breakfast and I hardly eat anything else apart from coffee with cream, loads of cheese and no carbs apart from chocolate and wine but that's stress management right?

Aaaaand I always look a scruff but it can't be because I can't be arsed to work out how to style it...

Anyone else similarly baffled about why life isn't going their way?

For PPs suspecting me of being snide, I should just say that I'm a hypothyroid heifer who simplifies out exercise, most days are bad hair days and I've taken being lastminutedotcom to an art form. I was doing my usual evening MN scroll in search of life reinvention inspiration and got annoyed with myself always searching for The Big Secret rather than just sorting myself out. You lovely lot have cheered me right up!

Try eating cheese and chocolate washed down with a glass of wine for breakfast, I guarantee you won't lose any weight but you'll be less inclined to give a shit.

@Meowchickameowmeow

Try eating cheese and chocolate washed down with a glass of wine for breakfast, I guarantee you won't lose any weight but you'll be less inclined to give a shit.

No, this is a recognised weight loss strategy. It’s all about which foods you pair together. This is why you are failing to lose weight op.

Try : burger and chips
Fish and chips
Kebab and chips
Chicken and chips
Cheese and chips
Bread and chips (you’ll find this described as a “chip sandwich”).

I suspect changing your diet like this will have a huge impact on your weight.

@Eckhart

You're drinking white wine, right? It's officially classed as a diet drink because it's served cold, and your body has to use extra calories to warm it up. In fact, if you can drink enough, quick enough to give you hypothermia, you'll be thin by morning. Or have a bath in it?

Sage advice!

Drink as much ice cold wine as you can stomach.

I wouldn't bath in it, because by the time you have finished filling the bath it will be tepid, and lose its weight-reducing properties.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

You have to put ice in the bath first. It's quite the most refreshing way to enjoy wine.

And you have to take a straw, or wear your snorkel upside down...

If you close your eyes when you are eating, its tricks the body, what you don't know 'n' all that. BUT you have to be careful because it is DANGEROUS for the body to not have any calories, so you must open your eyes when eating vegetables and apples. THAT LAST BIT IS V.IMPORTANT.

[quote Eckhart]@SchadenfreudePersonified

You have to put ice in the bath first. It's quite the most refreshing way to enjoy wine.[/quote]
Thank you Eckhart - I just wasn't thinking outside the box.

I never used to lose any weight.

Then I started using my fitness pal and was shocked at the amount of extra calories I was eating. Turns out that my healthy lunch of hummous with pitta was not very healthy at all as I was eating 700 calories worth!

Don't worry, OP. It's not your fault!
It's all Boris's fault. Him and the rest of the nasty Tories. He's making you eat all that lovely fattening cheese and chocolate and drink all those bottles of wine.
And yes, you're perfect the way you are, hun.

And don't forget , OP. Marilyn was a size 16!

*checks Amazon for anti calorie plug in

@hoitytoit

It's in the first sentence...you never eat breakfast....

You MUST eat breakfast it is important to get your metabolism moving. It will be sluggish otherwise!!

Do you exercise?

This is pretty much rubbish, by the way. You'll lose weight if you burn more calories than you eat. The only reason people tend to struggle if they DON'T eat breakfast is because if you're absolutely starving later in the day you're more likely to binge or eat bigger portions than if you'd had something to eat first thing. Differences in metabolism whether you think you have a fast or slow one, or whether you've eaten breakfast or not, are negligible. It's the kind of comment people throw around because they read it in a magazine once, but it's not really true.

Bloody hell, how did this whoosh over the heads of so many people?! Really, how??? Are they actually this bloody earnest and humourless in real life?

Calorie counting is your friend

They're what is making this thread comedy gold @OneMoreForExtra

Sorry, I pressed something and @'d the wrong name. It changed. I was trying to @BigBadVoodooHat

Sorry. I'd blame fat fingers, but they're thin now I've been frantically following the advice on this thread

@hoitytoit

It's in the first sentence...you never eat breakfast....

You MUST eat breakfast it is important to get your metabolism moving. It will be sluggish otherwise!!

Do you exercise?

Proven not to be the case.

I don't eat breakfast and have lost over a stone and a half. I eat twice a day plus have a snack. Eat well. Don't starve. Have chocolate or sweets most days as my extra. Eating too little will stop you losing weight.

You aren't eating enough chocolate

Eat stood up, everyone knows there's no calories in food you eat while vertical.
Also Bailey's in your coffee to get that sluggish metabolism moving. And up your wine intake, 1 glass = 1 of your 5 a day.

In the spirit of the original post, I can personally recommend a flexible diet like mine. I come off it at mealtimes.

@slothtrot, toffee apple cider!!!!!

I need to seek that out😲

I'm on the lard and fried bread diet and have astonishingly put on 4 stone. I'm utterly baffled how this has happened as I've stuck to it religiously.

@FlouncerInDenial

If you hold wine glass in your left hand when you are right handed (and the other way around for lefties), your body can't absorb the calories. True fact.

I think the ambidextrous are fucked though

Well that’s me sorted them, wine glass in left hand, while MN’ing with right hand. 👍

Happy to help, appropriately named poster