I just don't understaaaaaaaand...

[OneMoreForExtra]

... why i don't lose weight. I never eat breakfast and I hardly eat anything else apart from coffee with cream, loads of cheese and no carbs apart from chocolate and wine but that's stress management right?

Aaaaand I always look a scruff but it can't be because I can't be arsed to work out how to style it...

Anyone else similarly baffled about why life isn't going their way?

@frumpety, sod that, order a takeaway, the walk will burn off the calories.

Okaaay.... I think it's because you are eating too much processed food, you need to go organic. Perhaps you need to start with some organic crackers to accompany the cheese?

@BilboBercow

You need to switch out wine for vodka and soda. Also take up smoking.

Yes that would work 😀

Some tips -

Anything you eat off someone else’s plate doesn’t count, so enjoy.

If you stretch out a leg at least once per episode during a Netflix binge that’ll burn off anything you’re eating at the same time.

If you drink wine quickly enough your body won’t notice and you won’t store the calories

Best of luck!

@stovetopespresso

I ate loads of malteasers yesterday but they're really light right so it doesn't count right??

Ballet dancers eat maltesers* and they are tiny. *I saw this on an advert once so it must be true

Of course it's a spoof

It's very simple.

There are calories and then there are empty calories. Calories make you fat but empty calories are like ghosts and pass right through you.

Examples of empty calories are:

• birthday cake (doesn't have to be yours)
• food bought for you as a treat by other people
• alcohol
• food eaten when nobody is watching
• other celebration food (cc Christmas)

Any food eaten while you're standing up doesn't count. If nobody sees you eating it, it's actually negative calories which consume themselves.

@im5050

You need to eat stuff that belongs to other people Other people food won’t count 😂😂

Your mistake is eating while sitting down or reclining on the couch. All food and wine must be consumed standing up. Calories then fall directly to your feet and go out your toenails. A monthly pedicure will keep you in shape!

Genuinely concerned for people who actually thought a reasonable response to your post was to point out where you’re going wrong with your diet 😂

Similarly, I don’t understand why I don’t lose weight. Right now I’m eating strawberry ice cream from the tub - fruit and milk... surely I’ll be thin by morning?

If you drink wine quickly enough your body won’t notice and you won’t store the calories

It is actually genuinely true that your body can't store any alcohol calories at all, so you can just rest while you're watching Netflix. None of this modern 'leg stretching' fad that some fools are putting about as fact...

Also calcium is very important for weight loss because it binds to fat. SO the following foods are very good:
cream
cheese
chocolate
If you are not losing enough weight its possible you are not having enough of those things - try upping the amount of cream in your coffee by 50%

[quote Magpiecomplex]@OneMoreForExtra I have a similar problem - cheese and chocolate are cornerstones of a balanced diet, right?[/quote]
Of course they are!

You need strong, heavy cornerstones . . . .

😂 your post reminds me of a colleague, who couldn’t understand why she wasn’t losing any weight, when she ate salad everyday for lunch, I did wonder if the fact she was adding a huge quantity of mayonnaise, may have had something to do with it.

Calories are tiny little creatures that come out at night and shrink your clothes. I have no idea why people think walking around/standing up while you eat. You just need to buy an anti calorie plug in.

@yetanothernamitynamechange

Also calcium is very important for weight loss because it binds to fat. SO the following foods are very good: cream cheese chocolate If you are not losing enough weight its possible you are not having enough of those things - try upping the amount of cream in your coffee by 50%

Excellent advice namechange*

I don't need to lose any weight, as I am a svelte 12st 6, but I shall follow your recommendations so I don't get any heavier and retain my sylph-like figure.

I bet you are similar to me and have really big heavy bones within your meant-to-be tiny frame?

@MikeUniformMike does the walk to the fridge to get more wine count ? I am sure it does as it must be at least 2,000 fairy steps ?

No. But you should not exceed one unit a day. One glass is one unit but one bottle is one unit, so drink it straight from the bottle.

Take away ! Pfft ! I am a deep fried from scratch kind of gal

Kid's food doesn't count of course we all know that one. Ooh and food from waitrose.

I don't need to lose weight as I am only a size 12, which we all know is tiny.

@MikeUniformMike

No. But you should not exceed one unit a day. One glass is one unit but one bottle is one unit, so drink it straight from the bottle.

😀😀