I just don't understaaaaaaaand...

[OneMoreForExtra]

... why i don't lose weight. I never eat breakfast and I hardly eat anything else apart from coffee with cream, loads of cheese and no carbs apart from chocolate and wine but that's stress management right?

Aaaaand I always look a scruff but it can't be because I can't be arsed to work out how to style it...

Anyone else similarly baffled about why life isn't going their way?

Have your bones grown?

Some golden tips on here. Upping my cheese and wine portions forthwith. Never been keen on crisps but organic crackers are a must. Anti-calorie plug-in is going to be on my Xmas wish-list

@yetanothernamitynamechange Would those ultrasonic mouse scarers work? I knew my husband was wrong to unplug them...

Metalbolism, gentics & hormones are a big player in this game. If you are 45+ normal life freedoms really mess around with where your calories come from and the multiplier effect on they have on shape of your shadow.

You're not doing it right. You need to wiggle your toes while eating the cheese and chocolate, to burn it off.

What are you actually eating? We need a typical day's food

**I am not really a size 12, but if I were I would need to lose weight. I'm not very tall and have a smallish build.

* Please don't drink a bottle of wine, It would be about 9 units.

I don't understand either OP. I don't eat meat so why have I put on weight when all I eat is toast with peanut butter and jam, and healthy vegetable lasagne with garlic bread and chips .

It's also very confusing that as the numbers go up on the scales I start to look more and more like a little barrel and even my stretchy leggings are too tight .

You're drinking white wine, right? It's officially classed as a diet drink because it's served cold, and your body has to use extra calories to warm it up. In fact, if you can drink enough, quick enough to give you hypothermia, you'll be thin by morning. Or have a bath in it?

Oh @MikeUniformMike bless you , a 12 , which means you are probably at least a 22 in Topshop if they did such a thing, vanity sizing and all that. I think it is marvellous and super that you love your body, but are you not a teensy bit worried that people will point and laugh at you when you walk down the street and your health and shit. I say this as someone who is a size 48 and a half in Bodyshop.

You need fruit in your diet!
Terry's chocolate orange.
Those foamy sweet bananas
Haribo happy cherries
Wine is basically just grapes.
2 bottles of that and that's your five a day right there

you don't have to have much of a caloric excess to gain weight. I gained 3 kgs in 3 months when I went from run/walking to work to riding a bike - I was burning on average 200 calories a day less than before. This equated to 4000 calories of effective overeat per month. 1kg of pure fat is 8000 calories and weight gain isn't pure fat. So you need to monitor your caloric intake and your output.

I tend to monitor my caloric intake in terms of week - so I aim for 17000 calories per week and hence a target burn of >17000 per week for maintenance.

i am the same, healthy fruit and yoghurt for breakfast, salad for lunch, followed by a chocolate biscuit,
copious tea and coffee with sugar and cider in the evening!

@Qwertywerty3

Sluggish metabolism? Are you sure that’s a thing?

Skipping breakfast is actually a very effective way of losing weight (for people who aren’t eating chocolate and drinking wine the rest of the time) - it’s effectively daily fasting. But it works best if you’re not eating your evening meal really late. I lost loads of weight by just skipping breakfast for 3 weeks. I couldn’t maintain it though sadly. I just like breakfast too much.

OP I think your diet is just a bit crap. You don’t need to stop eating chocolate and drinking wine entirely but they should be occasional treats if you want to lose weight (says me as I tuck into a Gü chocolate cheesecake).

(laughs hollowly in Fat Bastard who hates chocolate, doesn't drink and hasn't had breakfast in 30 years)

Seriously, though, this is a dig post at people who aren't as wonderfully slim and well presented as the OP.

Quick tip for losing weight. Leave a little bit of food on your plate at mealtimes so that you have room for a bag of crisps or cream cake a bit later.

@OneMoreForExtra

Glad I'm not the only one... also very miffed about why I'm always swamped - its not like I don't put off all the shit jobs till I feel like doing them so I'm at my best when I do do them...

I used to have this problem too, until one day I discovered that instead of actually doing the things I was putting off I could spend hours at a time on Mumsnet feeling crap about avoiding them. Changed my life, that did.

Quick tip for losing weight. Leave a little bit of food on your plate at mealtimes so that you have room for a bag of crisps or cream cake a bit later

It all started off so sensibly!

Age is terrible for putting on weight. I kid you not,I went to bed on the eve of my 40th birthday and by morning I put on 2 st all around my middle.

Are you suffering from depression?

I used to have this problem too, until one day I discovered that instead of actually doing the things I was putting off I could spend hours at a time on Mumsnet feeling crap about avoiding them. Changed my life, that did.

I might be choking on the little bit of food I should have left on my plate

If you make sure you break a biscuit the calories fall out

And if I put food in the freezer it reverses the Use By Date .

@yetanothernamitynamechange

Calories are tiny little creatures that come out at night and shrink your clothes. I have no idea why people think walking around/standing up while you eat. You just need to buy an anti calorie plug in.

I also heard they are afraid of heights, so store all chocolate up on your highest shelf and the calories will climb down, leaving you with the perfect food.

Well I’ve just have my five a day in the form of white grapes, moving onto red soon as for some reason the white grape bottle is empty 🤷‍♀️

I don't like white grapes but I've had a toffee apple cider, as it's liquid the toffee has no calories so just leaves me with healthy apple.

I'm not surprised you're struggling. Carbs are a necessary source of energy. On a diet like that you'll need to make small changes. So first, you need to start including biscuits with the cheese. Not some organic or rice cake shit. Start small and work your way up to at least half a packet of digestives as the basis for your evening cracker selection.

Then, start having a nice doorstep sandwich for lunch. Gradually, you can include bacon and move it earlier to 11am, thus incorporating breakfast. Jacket potatoes with cheese are a side dish for a meal, and pasta a light snack, unless accompanied by substantial quantities of garlic bread. Be sure to only include rice if you're having a naan bread. Double carbs are a must, they absorb the white carb poisonous toxins of each other.

I'm sure that sooner or later all that energy from the carbs will compel you to exercise excessively, thus resulting in weight loss.

I know this will work, because at my thinnest and fittest I consume huge amounts of carbs. Currently I'm eating a normal amount of carbs and I'm not at my thinnest. Therefore eating more makes you thinner. (although by mumsnet standards my normal amount probably classes as excessive gluttony and possibly deadly)