I just don't understaaaaaaaand...

[OneMoreForExtra]

... why i don't lose weight. I never eat breakfast and I hardly eat anything else apart from coffee with cream, loads of cheese and no carbs apart from chocolate and wine but that's stress management right?

Aaaaand I always look a scruff but it can't be because I can't be arsed to work out how to style it...

Anyone else similarly baffled about why life isn't going their way?

@orangejuicer

I assumed this was required

Too many carbs.

You need to eat more chocolate.

Chocolate is cacao which is a bean.

Therefore it is good for you and you should eat more of it.

It also counts as one of your five a day.

I am with you OP , I must have burnt off all the calories in this glass of wine just googling the easiest to clean deep fat fryer ?

@orangejuicer

I assumed this was required

Mmmmmm donut

Log the calories you eat against exercise. Double cream has loads of calories. Measure your portions. Ensure you have a deficit. Yes, low carb is good but once you are fat adapted (how long have you been low carb?) you can utilise dietary fat very efficiently for energy. So you are less likely to go into ketosis so easily.

@sunsshineshowerss

I'm on the same diet op I just don't understand where I am going wrong.

Side note - slightly worried people don't get it's a joke

Possibly because jokes are funny.

YABU to start such a bitchy pointless 'ironic' thread.

@hoitytoit

You MUST eat breakfast it is important to get your metabolism moving. It will be sluggish otherwise

Was this a joke too?

OP, nice thread, I like your style!

@feistyoneyouare

YABU to start such a bitchy pointless 'ironic' thread.

What was 'bitchy' about it? The OP wasn't having a go at anyone else.

Whereas that post....

@feistyoneyouare

YABU to start such a bitchy pointless 'ironic' thread

YABU for posting on it...

You need to have a diet coke with every meal. It cancels out the calories.

I ate loads of malteasers yesterday but they're really light right so it doesn't count right??

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

You need to balance the cheese with a couple of family sized bags of crisps, I think I read somewhere that they cancel each other out

I can't stop laughing at this

@OneMoreForExtra, men always treat me like shit yet I treat them like princes, Where am I going wrong?

Why do I look like a bag lady, surely my natural beauty should shine through?

People who eat dark chocolate are said to have low blood pressure. Now, where’s my bar of Bournville? 🍫

If you hold wine glass in your left hand when you are right handed (and the other way around for lefties), your body can't absorb the calories. True fact.

I think the ambidextrous are fucked though

@OneMoreForExtra

... why i don't lose weight. I never eat breakfast and I hardly eat anything else apart from coffee with cream, loads of cheese and no carbs apart from chocolate and wine but that's stress management right?

Aaaaand I always look a scruff but it can't be because I can't be arsed to work out how to style it...

Anyone else similarly baffled about why life isn't going their way?

Your diet is appalling. I can talk, mine is probably worse.

I had a friend a few years ago who was trying to lose weight, and found her one day eating an enormous bowl of roast potatoes. I asked her what had happened to the diet. She told me that only eating one roast potato was virtuous. So, logic dictates that doing it repeatedly is increasingly virtuous, the longer you do it for.

@hoitytoit

It's in the first sentence...you never eat breakfast....

You MUST eat breakfast it is important to get your metabolism moving. It will be sluggish otherwise!!

Do you exercise?

Can't figure out what's funnier, the OP which was clearly a joke, or this total nonsense about getting 'metabolism moving' - oh yes that would be because a human being's metabolism stops overnight, along with their digestion, immune system and circulation of course.

I suggest you buy some bigger clothes OP then you'll need to eat more cheese to stop them falling off you.

Did I post this last night whilst drunk!?? It's me.
No breakfast.
Sandwich, crisps and lots of diet coke for lunch.
Chocolate if it's on offer.
Nice dinner but healthy ish.
Wine.
I just don't understand why I can't lose the weight!

Get your thyroid checked

OP, have you made sure only to eat the best vintage cheeses? The cheaper, less tasty varieties are surely not as healthy.

Wine is made from grapes, so those glasses of wine count towards your five a day.

In fact, the more you drink, the more nutritious it is.

Facts only.

You need to switch out wine for vodka and soda. Also take up smoking.