My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

[LocalNetter]

My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

I don't know why but this pattern has repeated my entire life so far. At school, in my house-share, at uni, at work.

There will be no argument, no fight, no disagreement. I would have maybe spoken to them once or twice and suddenly they'll be all cold (but some will pretend to be nice to my face) but will gradually stop the ones who do talk to me from talking to me. It will always be those most closest to that girl/woman who will firstly start acting off with me and then eventually most people get converted to that way.

Whilst the others wouldn't necessarily be my bestest friends, I know they'd like me enough to make pleasant talk with me etc and over time they almost start becoming a bully towards me.

Is this how some people bond? By talking about someone else negatively to build their own friendship?

The saddest thing is I would have had no fight or disagreement or done anything remotely unkind to deserve that hate. Fine if she's not interested in being friends with me but to actively dislike me for no reason and turn others against me is horrible. Sometimes, the girls who do this are initially much less liked by others than I am and yet they miraculously turn it around completely.

I'm just sick of being the butt of it for other girls to bond with each other and I don't know why it happens to me every time :( :( I always try and help people, have never been disloyal or even rude, even these girls themselves will often say I'm super nice, etc. - it's almost like that film "mean girls".

Have you seen people treated this way? Do you know what seems to make a particular person a target for this kind of behaviour?

I hate being a victim of this any longer :(

How many times has this happened op?

Op this happened to me at uni and a bit after uni too. It's gotten a lot better since I had a child.
University was awful for me.

Are they jealous? That is usually the reason in my experience. Difficult but you just have to tell yourself that you are worth more and deserve better so good riddance x

I’ve had this at work over the years.

If you ask me the ringleader is jealous of you. It’s a classic Mean Girls strategy.

Can you just stay away from who ever is doing this to you just now?

I had a good friend who this happened too from a very young age. I could never understand it - she could be a little annoying but nothing that warranted some of the awful bullying she got. I used to visit her alot at uni as her housemates were vile.

Thanks everyone for your kind messages. I know statistically they say that no matter what, there'll always be someone who dislikes you but what I can't handle is that the woman who dislikes me makes it her mission in life to as many other people as possible dislike me too.

You may be right about the jealousy thing as I've never had any drop dead gorgeous women do this to me - usually it's the runt of the litter type girls who do this (mean way to put it but someone who seems so unremarkable at first glance)

I may not be everyone's cup of tea but I really know for sure I don't deserve this as I just mind my own business, never talk about people behind their backs, quite often even do favours for these girls when they switch to fake nice mode for a day to get what they need from me (e.g. to copy my homework as I do well academically) as I'd think they misjudged me as horrible so if I do X, Y, or Z for them, they'll change their mind about me but it never ever works.

I've had girls refuse to train me in their area of work when we've need to collaborate, even my only female housemate (who seems nice on the surface) but we've had about 5 guys come and go as housemates. They'd all be super chatty and friendly with me. One day she'd see them being friendly with me and then like clockwork, a few days later, they'd be avoiding me, not asking me how I am, etc. when before they couldn't wait to have a friendly chat every evening. Each time it happens after the girl notices our interaction. She will offer the new guys drinks, food, invite them to her parties, whilst leaving me. Whoever the guy is, within a week of them moving in, yet never to me despite me living with her for over a year now.

Thanks for your post @Aworldofmyown annoying in what way?

@AllsortsofAwkward at least once in every life chapter - school, uni, work and houseshares. I still remember, just before starting uni, I was adding people from my course on facebook to befriend and get to know them a bit before we started our course. I had not met any of them before. Most accepted friend requests except one - I thought nothing of it but noticed that girl accepted everyone else's friend request. When uni begun, she ignored me, formed her own cliques and all her clique members who were neutral or friendly with me gradually started giving me the cold shoulder for no reason. She'd have parties and not invite me and all sorts. Yet, me and her have barely spoken beyond small talk.

Jealousy. Are you very smart, or attractive, or both? It'll be something. I got this at school. I was very academic, top of the class, always getting prizes. I was also quite pretty, on the sports teams, and artistic. My art was on the walls and in the school magazine. School destroyed me mentally, as the bullying was awful. It took me about 30 years after leaving to really find my feet and confidence again. It's such a shame. I never really progressed in my career as I doubted myself so much.

Something about you threatens these girls. I have no advice as I wasn't able to deal with it myself. I hope someone wiser is able to help you.

Is there any chance you’re coming across as a bit intense?

How do you know who added who on FB? Are you always offering to do do things or help people? I’m wondering if you are coming across to people as a bit much, while projecting onto one other member of the group.

Maybe try and let friendships happen more organically? Flat shares and classes are a minefield for this sort of thing.

This happened to me at uni. In my halls this girl was cold with me from the off, literally day one I introduced myself and suggested going to the union welcome party and she turned me down and stayed alone in her room instead and then slowly turned the whole halls against me. I had done nothing and i'm pretty sure it was jealousy. By final year one of the others had seen it for what is was and apologised to me but by then it was too late, it had ruined my university experience.

And because I had nobody to live with (after halls you were all going to get a flat together but they wouldn't have me) I moved in with my boyfriend and settled down at 19 years old and feel I missed my youth, really.

@lockdownmisery thanks for your post. That makes me feel a little better. They do say bullies can be very loud and confident seeming but it's often a mask for insecurity.

I did do well at school (All A*grades at GCSE and A-levels (highest in the school) and went to a top uni. I was even awarded "most likely to become a member of MENSA" award by the teachers at school at the end of A-levels. With regards to looks I have days where I look like a tramp (2) and days where I look like a 9, so it varies lol. Pros about my looks are: I'm a size 8, with DD chest, long thick curly hair, big eyes, plump lips BUT also a bit spotty and have a big nose.

I guess overall, from what I've been told by men, I'm above average in looks and academic smarts but not very sporty, like you are. Reading what you wrote resonates with me extremely. Even now (10 years on from school), I still suffer some sort of PTSD from all the vile bullying.

.. but I still wonder why some girls who are very pretty and smart can sometimes become very popular

I mean well but perhaps you come across a little superior? Calling people ‘runt of the litter’g the need to point out You’re academically able?
If I’m brutally honest I’ve met plenty of people who bemoan this happening to them, there is always a reason

@Ofitck sorry to hear that. That sounds so like my experience. What do you think she was jealous of in your case? I don't even know how they manage to collect such power to be able to turn others against us for no reason or maybe it's a case of whoever bitches about the other first is automatically seen as the truth teller and "wins"?

@FelicityBeedle I know someone would pick on the runt of the litter comment. I will clarify that I wouldn't call anyone that nor did I think it when I met them but now stepping back and grouping the girls who did this, they were all of one kind. I can list girls who I objectively found inspiring (great personality, looks, kindness etc.) after a year of knowing them (not just to me but to anyone) and none of those girls ever behaved this way.

I find it weird that I can be hated on for no reason and made my life to be miserable by these girls who I tried to befriend yet I call them the runt of the litter (after being subjected to years of actual bullying from them), and I'm the bad guy...

"You may be right about the jealousy thing as I've never had any drop dead gorgeous women do this to me - usually it's the runt of the litter type girls who do this (mean way to put it but someone who seems so unremarkable at first glance)"

Maybe they can see through what you are thinking about them.

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets I think I've had certain moments of intensity where I'll be too friendly with people but I don't think I impose myself on people too much 24/7. If they don't initiate contact after I have a few times, I'd let it go. I'm fairly independent and in some ways fairly introverted so can enjoy alone time. If I'm invited to someone's house, I always leave within a few hours not to overstay my welcome, I don't keep suggesting days out etc. if they decline with a "I'm busy on friday" type comment.

@Crimsonnightlotus I don't think that on first impression obviously. I more meant, observing their behaviour, personality, etc. They're always the very loud, overconfident, people have to earn being treated nicely by them, won't say thank you when the door is held for them, type people. Which is not apparent on first impression obviously so there's no way I'm subconsciously modifying my behaviour at first meet.

It js quite confusing about the male housemates and the girl.

It all sounds miserable for you. I'm sorry.

I am sorry they bullied you, that shouldn’t have happened. It’s just interesting that I’ve never considered whether someone being pretty or their ‘great personality’ as a key factor to friendship. But it keeps cropping up on your posts, and instead of Just saying ‘I think I’m nice and I’m quite good looking’ you list that you have great tits and you’re a 9.
I don’t know you, and I don’t pretend to just from this post, but if you’re coming cross as slightly superior and judgemental in a handful of posts, it seems likely to me too sometimes do in real life as well.

A fault of my own is perceiving a slight against me (real or imagined) then becoming cold towards the person. I wonder if your past experiences are also giving you that tendency?
I only replied because someone once told me that I could be quite up my own arse, and it really helped
Anyway, I hope you manage to find a solid and stable group of friends, and a workplace which suits you

I agree OP that for some weak people who don’t know who they are this is a form of bonding.
I once witnessed it at work and called the Mean Girls out, and I got the cold shoulder.

I had a nightmare in a houseshare with girls at Uni, couldn't be arsed with their BS and left to house with a more mixed dynamic, but had to leave their after a friend was pushed out by the other house’mates’ this was instigated by a girl,but as she dated one of the other boys, his mates also sided against my friend. They got her kicked out and I couldn't bear to stay any longer.

If you are not liked by nasty people, then there's nothing to lose. You say it's never done by good looking people. Just assume they are jealous of your beauty.

@Crimsonnightlotus It's not necessarily a person disliking me that I have an issue with but more that they make it their mission in life to turn every person we both know in common against me. I'd understand it if we'd have had a massive row or a disagreement but nothing of the kind would have gone on. Some such haters, I'd never even had a conversation with before they decided they'd hate me.

@SilverLiningSearching thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear that happened to you too. I guess it's some sort of comfort that I'm not the only one this has happened to.

When you make friends, do you do that on an individual level or by creating a group at work, uni, school etc?

I am wondering if you make friends with one person and then a group naturally forms or if you’re rushing in to creating a group and somehow mis judging it?

There are always going to be some woman who are threatened and will work someone out of a group? They’re typically alphas. It probably is not you, but them. I believe the term is to be “Wendy’d”.