My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

[LocalNetter]

My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

I don't know why but this pattern has repeated my entire life so far. At school, in my house-share, at uni, at work.

There will be no argument, no fight, no disagreement. I would have maybe spoken to them once or twice and suddenly they'll be all cold (but some will pretend to be nice to my face) but will gradually stop the ones who do talk to me from talking to me. It will always be those most closest to that girl/woman who will firstly start acting off with me and then eventually most people get converted to that way.

Whilst the others wouldn't necessarily be my bestest friends, I know they'd like me enough to make pleasant talk with me etc and over time they almost start becoming a bully towards me.

Is this how some people bond? By talking about someone else negatively to build their own friendship?

The saddest thing is I would have had no fight or disagreement or done anything remotely unkind to deserve that hate. Fine if she's not interested in being friends with me but to actively dislike me for no reason and turn others against me is horrible. Sometimes, the girls who do this are initially much less liked by others than I am and yet they miraculously turn it around completely.

I'm just sick of being the butt of it for other girls to bond with each other and I don't know why it happens to me every time :( :( I always try and help people, have never been disloyal or even rude, even these girls themselves will often say I'm super nice, etc. - it's almost like that film "mean girls".

Have you seen people treated this way? Do you know what seems to make a particular person a target for this kind of behaviour?

I hate being a victim of this any longer :(

If the same thing keeps happening to you over many years with many different groups of women, it’s not them it’s you.

You don’t happen to work in medicine, do you?

How is/was your relationship with your mum/siblings/female relatives?

It's only recently that i realised my expectations experiences and choices in friendships have been so badly affected by the fact I can't trust my mum and she's never been in my corner. So that's what i've gone out into the world with.

Well, unless you did something to allianate these people, then they are sheep!

There comes a point where being super nice can become cloying - adding people from your course before you've even met them would be one. You don't know who you will become friendly with so randomly adding people could be a bit much.

Also, being super intelligent and then acting insecure can come across as annoying.

I don't know what age you are but after a certain point nobody cares about school awards or GCSE results.

I'm a size 8, with DD chest, long thick curly hair, big eyes, plump lips BUT also a bit spotty and have a big nose.

This just comes across as very #menwritewomen. Plump lips? Big eyes?

Btw i'm not blaming you - i'm saying we often attract what we've been brought up to expect of people. Because we're vulnerable to it.

I don't know what age you are but after a certain point nobody cares about school awards or GCSE results.
’This just comes across as very #menwritewomen. Plump lips? Big eyes?’

Spot on

I only mentioned school grades as this issue was far worse during my school years than now and a previous poster asked if I was academic sporty etc.

Over time it’s fortunately not as bad as in high school (no physical abuse etc anymore) but still happens subtly.

The girl I hired did it to me recently and tried to create an in-group with me excluded from it even though she seemed nice to me on her interview day (!) and I’m not directly supervising her so not like I’ve bossed her about or anything. Yet, all the people she chose to be in her inner circle turned against her quite publically (she was very loud, had an opinion about everything and thought everyone wanted to hear it even when not asked for and would often disagree with people about things that don’t matter e.g if someone said they liked tea, she’d pipe in with the fact she can’t stand tea and much prefers coffee and lists the reasons why despite no one asking). Now, knowing the others have turned their back on her, she tries to befriend me again but I feel very cold internally towards her because of what she tried to do initially. I had kept out of her way since she started excluding me and now she’s back with her tail between her legs.

I get along well with my mum (in fact we’re probably too close) and I don’t have any sisters.

The girl I hired did it to me recently and tried to create an in-group with me excluded from it even though she seemed nice to me on her interview day (!) and I’m not directly supervising her so not like I’ve bossed her about or anything.

I don't understand the exclamation point. Are you surprised that someone was nice to you on her interview day? Are you thinking that she was nice to you when you had the power to hire her that meant she was going to be your friend?

Now, knowing the others have turned their back on her, she tries to befriend me again but I feel very cold internally towards her because of what she tried to do initially. I had kept out of her way since she started excluding me and now she’s back with her tail between her legs.

OP, are you talking to lots of people, seeing who you like/have things in common with and then becoming friends or are you trying to become friends with everyone? Could you be seeing some people just being closer with others as a rejection of you and then backing off?

Not convinced it's entirely jealousy if this is a recurring theme. People, adults in particular, tend to be drawn towards 'beautiful, clever and kind' folks and want to be their friend. I think you need to find someone in real life to give you some clues about who you are and how you come across, it is very unusual for one individual to be able to turn everyone against you time and time again.

Could it be you in the most gentle way?

I'm pretty & have always been popular, never had an issue with making friends.
At uni I shared halls with 4 other girls & 5 boys. One girl was such hard work, said she was a "boys girl", etc. We never excluded her but after a while I couldn't be bothered. When she did want to spend time with us girls it revolved around her talking about herself or moaning about something. The group (except her) became really good friends & 2 of us started dating 2 of the boys which seemed to tip her over the edge. After about 6 months she moved out (told us on the day). Heard later that she told people we were mean girls & jealous of her which was rubbish. She was attractive but so boring. Even my now dh who was one of the boys said he's never met someone who's so self absorbed.

Yes I don’t disagree it’s something in me that makes me an easy target/victim.

You misunderstand, it's not about you being an easy target and a victim.

The point is if everyone is really ignoring you then it's because of you, and something you are doing to upset or irritate them not because a bully is getting everyone to gang up on you.

School, university, work, wherever, if a group of people don't like you then there is always other people and other groups you can be friends with, 1 person cannot get everyone to dislike you.

I've known many people over the years who on the surface seem nice, polite etc but also seem to just rub people up the wrong way, usually just by silly things like butting in conversations, or ignoring people in the group who they perceive as not being as worthy or just being totally self absorbed and knowing fuck all about other people's lives. And then they are surprised when they get gradually dropped from the group, and like you OP try to blame it on someone else rather than realising they are the problem.

I agree with @happinessischocolate dc1 started school last yr & I very quickly realised which school mums were on my wavelength. I exchange pleasantries with all but I know which ones to avoid at parties, fairs etc. Likewise with work.

I don't think you realise how you come across.
Things like you've put how uncertain you are and you "start every sentence with I think".
You don't here. You have used "I know" and "I always" a lot, but not "I think".

I think the pattern is: you meet new groups of people, everyone’s friendly at first while sussing each other out and then they all start to distance themselves from you.
There may well be one person in that group who distanced from you much faster than the others, and that’s the person you fixate on and blame.
If this had happened once or twice then your theory may hold water, but consistently throughout your life, over and over and over? No.
There is something in the way you come across that causes people to want to keep their distance from you.
As others have said, it’s comforting to believe it’s jealousy and that the majority of people want to be your friend if only mean girl would let them. Believing that will not help you though, you need to some sort of outside help to get to the bottom of it, someone professional who knows how to help you help yourself.

@DCITennison but if everyone in that circle dislikes me then why are they all friendly and initiate conversation with me when the ring leader isn’t at school/work?

I had similar experiences at school and in my early twenties though all stopped now and I think it was a combination of things. I was and to some extent still am a somewhat intense person. I get loud when I'm enthusiastic, I like to share my opinions and I can be overeffusive. I once scared off a now-friend by telling her I thought she had amazing skin like a porcelain doll on first meeting her (CRINGE). In my case, it was a handful of things. I could be too much and some of that, especially as I was academically strong, definitely came across as showing off. I was too keen to be everyone's friend despite differences in taste and personality - you really can't be in everyone's 'group'. And some women I just really strongly rubbed up the wrong way and they reacted strongly against me - with hindsight - me and some of those women were probably quite alike and reacted negatively to seeing our own insecurities in each other.

So i learned to try less hard with friends, to button it a bit and to try not to call attention to myself/my achievements and only to full uncensor myself with trusted people - certainly not at work. It took me awhile to stop paranoidly looking for the signs of confrontation but my life massively improved.

Oh, dear. How on earth could one person singlehandedly manage to turn everyone against you in each school/university/housing/work situation? Everyone else in each one of these places is so weak and easily influenced that they meekly obey one individual? That strikes me as quite an unusual dynamic. It seems bizarre to the point of unbelievable that it repeats itself with such consistency.

It seems far more likely that your co-workers, housemates, etc. are initially polite and friendly but decide independently that they would prefer not to be friends with you. I agree with PPs that therapy may help you unravel why this pattern occurs in your life, as well as why you have chosen to (mis)interpret it as jealousy.

I think it would benefit you to read the other thread that a PP mentioned. You use exactly the same turn of phrase to describe yourself so maybe some helpful advice will be in there.

I think you need to let go of what happened at school. You are letting it colour your experiences and it is not helpful.

@DrowsyDragon Wow I felt such comfort reading what you’ve written. You sound identical to me! Especially the trying to be everyone’s friends (I hate the in-group out-group mentality, even if I was part of the in-group). In ways did your life improve? What kind of changes did you implement?

Even the porcelain skin compliment sounds like something I’d say..! Although I don’t have the self awareness yet to know that’s cringey

but if everyone in that circle dislikes me then why are they all friendly and initiate conversation with me when the ring leader isn’t at school/work?

Because they're 2 faced, who knows, but my question is, if this "circle" dislikes you and don't talk to you then why have you not gone off and made friends with other people? Why are you anywhere near this group who have previously ignored you and treated you badly?

@LocalNetter mostly I just realised that I didn't have to try all the time. I had 'friends' and colleagues where i felt like I was always trying to win their approval or deflect them getitng cross with me and it was EXHAUSTING and we never really felt like friends. Plus it was awkward which probably aggravated them too. So I just stopped trying to be friends. I'd be polite, hello, how are you, but i didn't try to share anything with them and the same thing at work. I have a couple of friends at work and then a lot of colleagues i get on with and some i don't.

The key thing for me was just keeping things back. Like the porcelain skin thing, I meant so well but it was too much, nobody really wants to be commented on by someone they don't know well. So now I might just say Hi nice to meet you and skip the compliment. Given relationships more time to breathe. I also found it useful to concentrate more on the friends who it felt easy to be with.

I also stopped volunteering information, I went to Oxbridge for example but that;s a thing that comes with a lot of stereotype so I just became more wary of mentioning it. "at uni i did x, rather than at Oxbridge". It made a difference. I must have come across as such a show off! (obviously if you are applying for a job, show off your achievements but the rest of the time you don't need to. I think it's what some commentators are picking up on about your descriptions of yourself. All of that is true I'm sure but it can read boastful even if that's a million miles from your intention or how you feel)
and honestly, sorry, i just grew up a bit.It's easier in my skin without feeling a need to befriend everyone or defend myself in my mid thirties than it was in my mid twenties. The last thing I'd say is you can be nice and polite without trying to befriend people and that's such a useful thing to learn.

Tbh OP I think you have a bit of victim syndrome going on. There would have instances were people may have been mean but not in all circumstances.

Eg the uni situation. How did you know that this girl had accepted e wry one else with out having to go through peoples friends lists. That’s being over invested and getting upset and hurt at a person you’ve never been had a conversation with. You already had the mind set that she didn’t like you before you had even met her. That would have come across in any situation you were around her even if she wasn’t aware of it.

She might have just been indifferent to you and there is a big difference between that and some one not actively liking you.

Don’t buy in to the ‘every one is too faced’ mentality as hundreds of people you meet cannot be out to get you - unless your doing something that causes while groups of people to go off you ( which I doubt)

I think sometimes people will always struggle in social situations which are actually borne from child hood Insecurities and low self esteem

but if everyone in that circle dislikes me then why are they all friendly and initiate conversation with me when the ring leader isn’t at school/work?

I wonder if you act differently when the 'ring leader' isn't there?

Wow I felt such comfort reading what you’ve written. You sound identical to me! Especially the trying to be everyone’s friends (I hate the in-group out-group mentality, even if I was part of the in-group). In ways did your life improve? What kind of changes did you implement?

But not being friends with everyone doesn't mean that there are in-groups and out-groups. I have close friends at work, I'm polite and friendly to other people but that doesn't mean there are groups. I have close friends outside of work who are close fiends with other people, that is not a rejection of me.

Even the porcelain skin compliment sounds like something I’d say..! Although I don’t have the self awareness yet to know that’s cringey

It's too intense and I wonder if you come across as being too much. Do you go from zero to wanting to BFFs immediately?